Read Online Ashes of the Stars by Elizabeth Van Zandt - Free Book Online
Authors: Elizabeth Van Zandt
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the Legion truly wash away my memories somehow? If so, then how had I held onto that one memory?
My head felt fuzzy with all of my new questions and dulled the rest of my senses. I tried to keep the façade up as much as possible because I was in front of my team; I, being my team’s leader, could not show any sign of weakness or instability. But my heart hammered painfully in my chest, air never seemed to fill my lungs, and my body felt weak from the internal war I was fighting and lack of sustenance.
Whereas before it felt like there were two parts of myself that were jagged edged and trying to split apart, now I felt as if my entire body was split into two beings. Not the evil versus the good parts of me, but the child I used to be, who may or may not have said something about peace being in the middle ground, and the murderous adult. I tried to block out the images of my victims but they kept bombarding me. My ghosts were finally getting their revenge.
It felt like there was a storm brewing somewhere inside of me and when it finally struck down, it would never stop raining. I fought against it the entire way home. I forced myself to stay awake, only sleeping in small increments. I fought against sustaining my body in case the strength that came from food would only encourage the evil memories to overwhelm me. There was a storm brewing alright. I wished I knew how close it was…
Chapter Five
I met the Commanders with the same dazed feeling that I’d marched home in. The four of them were all too old to lead field missions so now they made and upheld the law. No real decision could be made without their consent. I didn’t want to meet with them or be around people at all. I could barely look at them.
“What happened on your mission, Captain Renault?” One of the sallow, greyed Commanders asked me. As I looked at them, I couldn’t help but wonder, if what Whitestrand had said was true, if any of them were directly responsible for turning me into this monster.
“I found the town in question. After approximately fourteen days of observation, I determined that they were neither foe nor friend. I met with their… leaders,” I took a big gulp of air before I continued. It was hard to speak when all I wanted to do was forget. It didn’t help that my ghosts had followed me to this meeting and were whispering my name. Babies were screaming, children crying, mothers pleading for their children’s lives, and fathers fighting uselessly. I saw blood spraying out into the dark of night and fires destroying the souls of innocent people. I tried to shake the images out of my head. “They wish no one any harm, they claimed. They do not participate in the war. They welcomed us, allowed us shelter, fed us, and let us leave freely.”
“Interesting,” Another elder Commander commented.
You did this, a ghost whispered in my ear.
“That is all I have to report at this time,” I announced. My hands itched to tighten into fists but I couldn’t do such a thing here.
You killed everyone, another ghost hissed.
“You may take your leave now. Rest, Captain. You look as if you haven’t slept at all since you left.”
You’re a monster.
“Thank you, Commanders,” I bowed my head and then spun on my heel. I practically ran from the room, I couldn’t leave fast enough.
Though it only took minutes to reach my house from the Command center, I felt as if it’d taken years. I was exhausted from trying to hold myself back so that I wouldn’t run like a madwoman through the streets. That was the kind of ‘chaos’ that wasn’t acceptable here. When I finally did reach my house and threw my door open, I was surprised to see a light flickering up the stairwell. Perhaps Finn had set a fire and was waiting for me downstairs. I appreciated the thought but conversation would have to wait.
I ripped the fresh white cap off of my head and let my hair flow freely. My footsteps were heavy on the stairs as if my legs were
My head felt fuzzy with all of my new questions and dulled the rest of my senses. I tried to keep the façade up as much as possible because I was in front of my team; I, being my team’s leader, could not show any sign of weakness or instability. But my heart hammered painfully in my chest, air never seemed to fill my lungs, and my body felt weak from the internal war I was fighting and lack of sustenance.
Whereas before it felt like there were two parts of myself that were jagged edged and trying to split apart, now I felt as if my entire body was split into two beings. Not the evil versus the good parts of me, but the child I used to be, who may or may not have said something about peace being in the middle ground, and the murderous adult. I tried to block out the images of my victims but they kept bombarding me. My ghosts were finally getting their revenge.
It felt like there was a storm brewing somewhere inside of me and when it finally struck down, it would never stop raining. I fought against it the entire way home. I forced myself to stay awake, only sleeping in small increments. I fought against sustaining my body in case the strength that came from food would only encourage the evil memories to overwhelm me. There was a storm brewing alright. I wished I knew how close it was…
Chapter Five
I met the Commanders with the same dazed feeling that I’d marched home in. The four of them were all too old to lead field missions so now they made and upheld the law. No real decision could be made without their consent. I didn’t want to meet with them or be around people at all. I could barely look at them.
“What happened on your mission, Captain Renault?” One of the sallow, greyed Commanders asked me. As I looked at them, I couldn’t help but wonder, if what Whitestrand had said was true, if any of them were directly responsible for turning me into this monster.
“I found the town in question. After approximately fourteen days of observation, I determined that they were neither foe nor friend. I met with their… leaders,” I took a big gulp of air before I continued. It was hard to speak when all I wanted to do was forget. It didn’t help that my ghosts had followed me to this meeting and were whispering my name. Babies were screaming, children crying, mothers pleading for their children’s lives, and fathers fighting uselessly. I saw blood spraying out into the dark of night and fires destroying the souls of innocent people. I tried to shake the images out of my head. “They wish no one any harm, they claimed. They do not participate in the war. They welcomed us, allowed us shelter, fed us, and let us leave freely.”
“Interesting,” Another elder Commander commented.
You did this, a ghost whispered in my ear.
“That is all I have to report at this time,” I announced. My hands itched to tighten into fists but I couldn’t do such a thing here.
You killed everyone, another ghost hissed.
“You may take your leave now. Rest, Captain. You look as if you haven’t slept at all since you left.”
You’re a monster.
“Thank you, Commanders,” I bowed my head and then spun on my heel. I practically ran from the room, I couldn’t leave fast enough.
Though it only took minutes to reach my house from the Command center, I felt as if it’d taken years. I was exhausted from trying to hold myself back so that I wouldn’t run like a madwoman through the streets. That was the kind of ‘chaos’ that wasn’t acceptable here. When I finally did reach my house and threw my door open, I was surprised to see a light flickering up the stairwell. Perhaps Finn had set a fire and was waiting for me downstairs. I appreciated the thought but conversation would have to wait.
I ripped the fresh white cap off of my head and let my hair flow freely. My footsteps were heavy on the stairs as if my legs were
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