Read Online An Evening with Johnners by Brian Johnston - Free Book Online
Authors: Brian Johnston
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first half. In the second half, if I may, I would like to talk about a game called cricket.
I’m going to refresh myself and I suggest you do too. See you again in about twenty minutes.
Thank you very much.
INTERVAL
W hile the theatre audience enjoys a quick drink in the bar, we have the chance for a brief interlude with the Test Match Special team. Here, as reported exclusively in Private Eye, is part of the radio commentary from the legendary Test match between England and Australia at Headingley in 1981:
Henry Blofeld: ‘And we welcome listeners to the World Service with the news that the BBC is about to close it down. Meanwhile here at Headingley the position is that the Australians need only seventy runs to win with nine wickets left. Literally a hopeless task for England, Trevor?’
Trevor Bailey: ‘Oh yes, there’s absolutely no way that England can win this game now. It’s a foregone conclusion. Australia have got it in the bag.’
Fred Trueman: ‘I’ll go along with t’that, Trevor – and what’s more, I’ve never seen a worse performance by an England team in all the years I’ve been associated with the game of cricket, and that’s saying something. Wouldn’t you agree, Brian?’
Brian Johnston: ‘Yes, it’s a very sad end to a very disappointing game. As a matter of fact, during the lunch interval I ran into Charlie Badcock, who was over here with Bill Woodfull’s team in 1934, and old Badders agreed that it was the most disappointing game of cricket he’d ever seen. [ Sound of loud clapping from crowd ] On a lighternote, I’d just like to thank a listener in Pershore, Mrs Elsie Salamander – it is “Salamander”, isn’t it Fred? I can’t make it out.’
Trueman: ‘Looks like “Sellotape” to me.’
Johnners: ‘That would be a funny name for someone [ laughter ]. But anyway, we’d all like to thank the good lady in Pershore for sending us a sample of some really excellent shortcake which she’s baked for the Royal Wedding and she’s been kind enough to send us a tin of it.’
[ More loud applause from the crowd ]
Bailey: ‘I played for the Inscrutables once at Pershore. Lovely little town.’
[ More loud applause from crowd ]
Johnners: ‘My wife and I drove through Pershore once on the way to Malvern. I was speaking at the College Speech Day. First-class lunch they gave us, I remember. We bought a dog there.’
Trueman: ‘Did I ever tell what our dog did when t’vicar came to tea?’
Blofeld [ laughing nervously ]: ‘Yes, you did, Fred, and I don’t think it’s entirely suitable for World Service listeners.’
[ Huge roar from crowd and chanting ]
Bailey [ munching ]: ‘Well, I must say that this shortbread is very, very good indeed.’
Johnners: ‘And a very handsome tin it’s come in. It looks to me like an old Jubilee tin of some sort. Isn’t that George V?’
Trueman: ‘And I bet it’d fetch a few bob, a tin like that. People will buy any old rubbish these days.’
Blofeld: ‘Still, Fred, whatever you say about the tin, I think you have to agree that the shortcake is absolutely first-class.’
[ Roaring from crowd now almost continuous ]
Johnners: ‘By the way, should one say shortcake or shortbread?’
Trueman: ‘Up our way, we wouldn’t call it t’neither. We call it Parky Loaf, but it comes much thicker than this.’
Johnners: ‘Well, that’s something for our listeners to write to us about.’
[ Thunderous applause from crowd, giving way to deafening cheers, singing, etc. ]
Voice in background: ‘Mumble, mumble …’
Johnners: ‘Hang on a minute, Fred, Bill Frindall is trying to tell us something.’
Frindall [ for it is he ]: ‘I’m sorry to interrupt, Brian, but I just wanted to point out that England have won by eighteen runs.’
Johnners: ‘Thank you, Bill, for that interesting bit of statistical information. Fred, any
I’m going to refresh myself and I suggest you do too. See you again in about twenty minutes.
Thank you very much.
INTERVAL
W hile the theatre audience enjoys a quick drink in the bar, we have the chance for a brief interlude with the Test Match Special team. Here, as reported exclusively in Private Eye, is part of the radio commentary from the legendary Test match between England and Australia at Headingley in 1981:
Henry Blofeld: ‘And we welcome listeners to the World Service with the news that the BBC is about to close it down. Meanwhile here at Headingley the position is that the Australians need only seventy runs to win with nine wickets left. Literally a hopeless task for England, Trevor?’
Trevor Bailey: ‘Oh yes, there’s absolutely no way that England can win this game now. It’s a foregone conclusion. Australia have got it in the bag.’
Fred Trueman: ‘I’ll go along with t’that, Trevor – and what’s more, I’ve never seen a worse performance by an England team in all the years I’ve been associated with the game of cricket, and that’s saying something. Wouldn’t you agree, Brian?’
Brian Johnston: ‘Yes, it’s a very sad end to a very disappointing game. As a matter of fact, during the lunch interval I ran into Charlie Badcock, who was over here with Bill Woodfull’s team in 1934, and old Badders agreed that it was the most disappointing game of cricket he’d ever seen. [ Sound of loud clapping from crowd ] On a lighternote, I’d just like to thank a listener in Pershore, Mrs Elsie Salamander – it is “Salamander”, isn’t it Fred? I can’t make it out.’
Trueman: ‘Looks like “Sellotape” to me.’
Johnners: ‘That would be a funny name for someone [ laughter ]. But anyway, we’d all like to thank the good lady in Pershore for sending us a sample of some really excellent shortcake which she’s baked for the Royal Wedding and she’s been kind enough to send us a tin of it.’
[ More loud applause from the crowd ]
Bailey: ‘I played for the Inscrutables once at Pershore. Lovely little town.’
[ More loud applause from crowd ]
Johnners: ‘My wife and I drove through Pershore once on the way to Malvern. I was speaking at the College Speech Day. First-class lunch they gave us, I remember. We bought a dog there.’
Trueman: ‘Did I ever tell what our dog did when t’vicar came to tea?’
Blofeld [ laughing nervously ]: ‘Yes, you did, Fred, and I don’t think it’s entirely suitable for World Service listeners.’
[ Huge roar from crowd and chanting ]
Bailey [ munching ]: ‘Well, I must say that this shortbread is very, very good indeed.’
Johnners: ‘And a very handsome tin it’s come in. It looks to me like an old Jubilee tin of some sort. Isn’t that George V?’
Trueman: ‘And I bet it’d fetch a few bob, a tin like that. People will buy any old rubbish these days.’
Blofeld: ‘Still, Fred, whatever you say about the tin, I think you have to agree that the shortcake is absolutely first-class.’
[ Roaring from crowd now almost continuous ]
Johnners: ‘By the way, should one say shortcake or shortbread?’
Trueman: ‘Up our way, we wouldn’t call it t’neither. We call it Parky Loaf, but it comes much thicker than this.’
Johnners: ‘Well, that’s something for our listeners to write to us about.’
[ Thunderous applause from crowd, giving way to deafening cheers, singing, etc. ]
Voice in background: ‘Mumble, mumble …’
Johnners: ‘Hang on a minute, Fred, Bill Frindall is trying to tell us something.’
Frindall [ for it is he ]: ‘I’m sorry to interrupt, Brian, but I just wanted to point out that England have won by eighteen runs.’
Johnners: ‘Thank you, Bill, for that interesting bit of statistical information. Fred, any
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