Read Online Amends: A Love Story by E.J. Swenson - Free Book Online

folded square
of paper, but I let it drop to the ground. I thought I'd be
terrified like I was at Mom's funeral, but I'm not. As I stand
before the motley mourners, I realize I'm not nervous at all.
    "As you all know, we're here because my
father got drunk when Mom died, and kept on drinking, day after
day, until he passed out and choked to death on his own vomit." I
look pointedly at his casket and try for sarcasm. "Thanks, Dad."
The silent faces before me ripple with concern. Maggie's eyes grow
wide, and Gran's mouth is twists into a wry grin that could mean
anything. A bird whistles a happy, fleeting little tune. I take a
breath and continue.
    "He was a great guy when times were good. He
loved my mom. Most of the time. He taught me how to fish and build
a computer from old parts. He never forgot my birthday." My breath
catches as I remember riding the fancy girl's bike with the lemon
yellow seat, the best birthday present ever. I shake my head and
blink back tears. I seize my anger like a shield.
    "When times were bad, though, he got drunk
and did stupid things he always regretted later. Buying an orange
fishing hat on QVC was one of them. So was drinking himself to
death instead of attending my mom's funeral."
    As soon as I say the words, an image of my
father's plastic, lifeless face pushes itself into my
consciousness. His sightless eyes are half open, and his mouth is
frozen into a never ending scream. I close my eyes and try to
visualize something neutral. An apple. A loaf of bread. Tennis
shoes. I pinch the skin on the back of my hand. I can't afford to
soften into grief. Anger, I remind myself. Anger.
    "I loved him. And I hated him. He was my dad.
That's all I have to say."

    /////////////////////////

    Want to see a movie? Get out
of the house? texts Maggie.
    Gran's a basket case, gotta
keep her company, I reply.
    Alright, girlie. Love you. Stay tough.
    I put my phone back into my purse and watch
Ethan drive. He's so calm and sure of himself, zipping in an out of
traffic. His phone is blinking, but he's ignoring it. I bet it's
his girlfriend. She's been out of town for a week, but she gets
home tomorrow. I shake that thought out of my mind and put on my
best happy-girl voice. "So where are you taking me?"
    "Kid, it's a surprise. You'll love it."
    We pull into a large parking lot outside
something called the Kat Club. Another dance club, I assume. We
stand in line for a few minutes, then Ethan works his magic with
the bouncer, and we're in.
    As my eyes adjust to the dim
light, I realize I'm not in any ordinary club. Chairs and tables
are scattered around a long, narrow runway leading to a small,
circular platform. Akon's Dangerous is playing at high volume. A woman, naked except
for a sequined thong, wraps herself around a pole. She has large,
rounded breasts and long, slender legs. She looks otherworldly in
the red-tinted stage lights. I gape at her while Ethan gets us
drinks.
    When Ethan comes back, I follow him to a low
table by the platform. The stripper continues her routine. The
almost exclusively male audience is rapt. They lay money and roses
at her feet. I wonder what it would be like to be the stripper, to
have that much power over men. I imagine it would be the opposite
of being me.
    "You move like she does," whispers Ethan.
"You could do that. You'd be awesome."
    I shake my head. My mom would have been
horrified that someone—some man—brought me to a strip club. I
imagine her scolding me and struggling to express the strength of
her disapproval while simultaneously avoiding profanity. I wonder
what the fuck I'm doing here. My eyes sting and then water. Ethan
notices.
    "Kid, what's wrong?"
    "I was just thinking of my mom. This is not
the kind of place she would have wanted me to go."
    He smiles widely. Red light strikes half his
face, so he looks like some kind of poorly lit demon. "Well, she's
dead, right? So there's nothing to worry about."
    I gasp and then sob. I feel like I've been
punched in the