Read Online All Families Are Psychotic by Douglas Coupland - Free Book Online Page B

you on your projects, young lady.'

09

    Wade returned to the hotel to check in Janet, but there was no vacancy. ' Mom, share the room here with me and Beth.'
    'Dear, I don ' t want to be a pest.' Janet was lying on the bed, the curtains drawn.
    ' Mom, you've never been a pest. And it 's a good chance for the tw o of you to get to kno w each other.' 'I suppose I could.'
    Wade sucked in some air: ' Mom, I saw the thalidomid e in the bathroom .' Janet looked up at him. 'Oh?'
    'It 's OK. I kno w it 's for mou th ulcers.'
    'It is.' Janet raised her body and craned her head towards Wade.
    Wade sat down on a chair beside the minib ar. 'What I'm wondering is where does a person even find
    thalidomid e these days? Do scientists have garage sales? It 's — freakish — that anybody's even making the stuff any more. It 's creepy.'
    'I get it from Brazil, through an underground netw ork. Usually it comes FedEx. Or sometimes through Mexico, but Mexico's a disaster, so Brazil's better. They use it down there for treating leprosy.'
    'Leprosy? Seriously?'
    'I kno w. The irony is too rich to ignor e. Now they're using thalidomid e to prevent people from losing limbs and digi ts.'
    'Huh.' The room was quiet. 'What abou t Nickie, then?' 'Her being infected?' Janet asked.
    'It sounds so bad when you say it like that. But yeah.' 'I have no idea what to say abou t it, Wade.'
    He tossed a foil-wrapped complim entary sachet of decaf coffee grind s back and forth between his hands. 'So are you tw o friends now?'
    'Friends? No. But I don ' t hate her any more. She's actually a very nice woman.' Janet slumped back onto the bed.
    'You OK?'
    'Yes, but I need some sleep. The sun here wipes me out. When is Beth returning ?' 'No idea. You rest. I'm going to look at the view.'
    Wade took the phone out onto the balcony. He sucked in some air and made a call he'd hoped he wouldn ' t have to make. He dialed an old business acquaintance.
    'This is Norm.'
    'Norm — it 's Wade.'
    'Wade Drummond ? Well, well — what's up, my man?'
    'This and that. I'm a married guy now, Norm. Pretty soon I'll have a kid and a mini van and the whole works.'
    'You — a family man?'
    'Pffft — all the snowmen in hell melt in a puff of steam.' 'Family's a good thing, Wade.'
    'You should see my family. Every single one of us is psychotic.'
    'All families are psychotic, Wade. Everybody has basically the same family — it 's just reconfigured sligh tly different from one to the next. Meet my in-laws one of these nigh ts. Where are you phoning from?'
    'Orlando.'
    'You're in Orlando? Oh, righ t — your sister's the astronaut. She's amazing.' They caugh t up for a few minu tes and then came an awkward manly silence. 'Norm. I need money.'
    A pause. 'Well, don ' t we all.'
    'I had to get a loan from Tony the Tiger in Carson City, for this fertili ty clinic that cost a bomb. My wife and me had to go to Europe for this new procedure. Fifty K.'
    'Fifty K? What could cost fifty K?'
    Might as well jump righ t in. 'Norm, I'm hiv. This place in Milan takes ejaculate and places it into a centrifuge and the ligh ter viral particles rise to the top, leaving what remains on the bott om clean.' Norm was silent. 'OK. Sure. I've heard lots of stories before. That's a pretty good one.'
    'It 's not a story — it 's the truth.'
    'But the poin t remains that you need dough .' 'Yeah.'
    'You kno w how it works, Wade — the greater the risk, the greater the reward.' 'Like I don ' t kno w that.'
    'How much you need?'
    'The fifty K plus another fifty for Tony's interest.' 'That's some risk.'
    'It 's what I need.'
    There was a long silence on Norm 's end follo wed by 'You've actually phoned at a very oppor tune moment, my man. I could use a courier righ t abou t now.'
    'Courier?' Wade knew that in the underground labor economy, this was the lowest, most dangerous job level. 'Why not.'
    'Tell you what — I'm having a fling with Cheryl. She's in a Pocahon tas dance number on Main Street USA over in Disney