Read Online All Families Are Psychotic by Douglas Coupland - Free Book Online
Authors: Douglas Coupland
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rinsing that shit off me.'
'It was in a blister-pack. Nothing touched you.' Something clicked: 'Hey, I though t you were gett ing an abor tion.'
'Well, maybe I'm not:
'OK then.' Wade swept items from the coun tertop into his mother's traveling case and said, 'Ready when you are. I'll be down in the car.'
Shw stayed in the shower five more minu tes, then came out only because the hot water had run out. The gun range was a half mile away and Shw, wet as a dog, was quiet for the ride. He dropp ed her off, and she said, 'I'm being a real hag today. Thanks for the ride.'
08
On a hot, sunny August afternoon , 1973, Wade said to Bryan, 'Bryan, don ' t touch the plastic. You'll only screw it up.'
'Wade, be nice to Bryan. He only wants to help.' Sarah turned to Bryan: 'Even still, Bryan, don ' t touch things, OK? Because you probably will muck them up.'
' Maybe I should just go.'
'Don' t go,' Sarah said, 'Just don ' t touch things, OK?'
The trio was out on the baking driveway with a trove of plastic dry-cleaning bags and bent coat hangers. Their mission was to build a hot air balloon by taping the bags into a. large, ligh tweigh t condom attached to a metal ring at the bott om. In the middl e of the ring was a wire X onto which was attached a Miracle Whip lid bearing white barbecue fire-starting bricks. Sarah was a. tiny fern among her tw o sequoia
bro thers — even with Bryan younger than her — but she was defini tely the one running the show. 'I'm thirsty,' said Bryan.
Wade looked at him. 'Bryan, I'm holding a Do-I-give-a-shit?-ometer in my hand and the needle's not moving. Shut up.'
'We'll get a pop later,' Sarah said. 'We're almost ready for li ft off.'
Wade was holding the wispy plastic balloon . Sarah used a Bic ligh ter to igni te the fuel. 'It 'll take a minu te for the hot air to fill the balloon ,' she said, then stood up and watched.
'It looks like a big dildo ,' said Wade, as the balloon began filling with air much hotter than that of the August afternoon .
'What's a dildo ?' Bryan asked.
Sarah looked at Wade. 'He's too young for that stuff, Wade.' 'What, you kno w what a dildo is?'
'Of course I do.'
'What is it then?'
'It 's a plastic replica of a man's dink used by women when they're by themselves.'
'What do you mean " used by"?' asked Wade.
'You kno w exactly what I mean by " used by", Wade. And now Bryan's probably going to use the word in fron t of Mom or Dad — and he'll most likely use it wrongl y — and you'll be the one who gets in shit.' 'No, Bryan's the one who always gets in shit.'
'I do not, Wade. Dad beats you up way more than he beats me up. And besides, I'm not a baby. I'm tw o years younger than Sarah.'
Sarah changed the topic sligh tly. 'Wade, does it hur t when Dad hits you? I've never actually been hit.'
Wade found it hard to imagine never having been hit. 'Hurt? Huh. I never though t of it that way. I
suppose so. But when Dad hits me, it 's not like he wants to hur t my outside. He wants to hur t me on the inside. He thinks he's King Shit, and he wants to let me kno w it.' The bag was almost full enough with warm gassiness to rise. 'Hey — it 's ready.' All eyes watched as the balloon hovered inches above the
driveway.
'Let 'er go,' said Sarah.
Wade let the balloon rise up into the air, silent, clean and jiggl y. There was just enough wind coming
from the west to blo w it towards the Capilano river and over toward North Vancouver. The trio ran to the top of the street, Sarah carrying the binoculars, to moni tor its progr ess.
'I bet it goes all the way into North Van,' Bryan said.
'Unlikely,' said Sarah, payload specialist in training . 'The fuel's only going to burn for abou t fifteen minu tes tops.'
'What if it lands in the forest?' Bryan asked.
'Well then,' said Wade, 'it lands in the forest.'
'But the forest is dried out. It could start, like, a forest fire.' 'Bryan, stop wrecking the fun.'
A car approached from behind — Janet in the station wagon. She
'It was in a blister-pack. Nothing touched you.' Something clicked: 'Hey, I though t you were gett ing an abor tion.'
'Well, maybe I'm not:
'OK then.' Wade swept items from the coun tertop into his mother's traveling case and said, 'Ready when you are. I'll be down in the car.'
Shw stayed in the shower five more minu tes, then came out only because the hot water had run out. The gun range was a half mile away and Shw, wet as a dog, was quiet for the ride. He dropp ed her off, and she said, 'I'm being a real hag today. Thanks for the ride.'
08
On a hot, sunny August afternoon , 1973, Wade said to Bryan, 'Bryan, don ' t touch the plastic. You'll only screw it up.'
'Wade, be nice to Bryan. He only wants to help.' Sarah turned to Bryan: 'Even still, Bryan, don ' t touch things, OK? Because you probably will muck them up.'
' Maybe I should just go.'
'Don' t go,' Sarah said, 'Just don ' t touch things, OK?'
The trio was out on the baking driveway with a trove of plastic dry-cleaning bags and bent coat hangers. Their mission was to build a hot air balloon by taping the bags into a. large, ligh tweigh t condom attached to a metal ring at the bott om. In the middl e of the ring was a wire X onto which was attached a Miracle Whip lid bearing white barbecue fire-starting bricks. Sarah was a. tiny fern among her tw o sequoia
bro thers — even with Bryan younger than her — but she was defini tely the one running the show. 'I'm thirsty,' said Bryan.
Wade looked at him. 'Bryan, I'm holding a Do-I-give-a-shit?-ometer in my hand and the needle's not moving. Shut up.'
'We'll get a pop later,' Sarah said. 'We're almost ready for li ft off.'
Wade was holding the wispy plastic balloon . Sarah used a Bic ligh ter to igni te the fuel. 'It 'll take a minu te for the hot air to fill the balloon ,' she said, then stood up and watched.
'It looks like a big dildo ,' said Wade, as the balloon began filling with air much hotter than that of the August afternoon .
'What's a dildo ?' Bryan asked.
Sarah looked at Wade. 'He's too young for that stuff, Wade.' 'What, you kno w what a dildo is?'
'Of course I do.'
'What is it then?'
'It 's a plastic replica of a man's dink used by women when they're by themselves.'
'What do you mean " used by"?' asked Wade.
'You kno w exactly what I mean by " used by", Wade. And now Bryan's probably going to use the word in fron t of Mom or Dad — and he'll most likely use it wrongl y — and you'll be the one who gets in shit.' 'No, Bryan's the one who always gets in shit.'
'I do not, Wade. Dad beats you up way more than he beats me up. And besides, I'm not a baby. I'm tw o years younger than Sarah.'
Sarah changed the topic sligh tly. 'Wade, does it hur t when Dad hits you? I've never actually been hit.'
Wade found it hard to imagine never having been hit. 'Hurt? Huh. I never though t of it that way. I
suppose so. But when Dad hits me, it 's not like he wants to hur t my outside. He wants to hur t me on the inside. He thinks he's King Shit, and he wants to let me kno w it.' The bag was almost full enough with warm gassiness to rise. 'Hey — it 's ready.' All eyes watched as the balloon hovered inches above the
driveway.
'Let 'er go,' said Sarah.
Wade let the balloon rise up into the air, silent, clean and jiggl y. There was just enough wind coming
from the west to blo w it towards the Capilano river and over toward North Vancouver. The trio ran to the top of the street, Sarah carrying the binoculars, to moni tor its progr ess.
'I bet it goes all the way into North Van,' Bryan said.
'Unlikely,' said Sarah, payload specialist in training . 'The fuel's only going to burn for abou t fifteen minu tes tops.'
'What if it lands in the forest?' Bryan asked.
'Well then,' said Wade, 'it lands in the forest.'
'But the forest is dried out. It could start, like, a forest fire.' 'Bryan, stop wrecking the fun.'
A car approached from behind — Janet in the station wagon. She
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