Read Online Your Ex-Boyfriend Will Hate This by Blue Sullivan - Free Book Online
Authors: Blue Sullivan
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don’t get off that easily. Unlike most bad relationships, which leave you with just a vague, inexpressible sense of loss, it’s all too easy to add up the receipts for your time with The Lazy Asshole. These debits include—but are in no way limited to—rent, utilities, car and student loan payments, credit cards, electronics, travel, groceries, and every single restaurant, bar, or movie you ever went to. If this guy had even a shred of decency, he’d encourage you to form a corporation at the beginning of your relationship called “Shit Boyfriend, LLC.” At least then you could write off all the money you wasted on him as a business expense.
The Lazy Asshole can take many forms. He can be a starving artist, a college student, a trust fund kid whose parents have cut the leash, or a failed entrepreneur who refuses to acknowledge that his idea/start-up is unfeasible or just plain dumb. (See also “The Deluded Asshole.”) All the various incarnations of this guy share an unearned sense that the world owes them a living, and since the world seems not to be kicking in its share, you’ll do quite nicely.
In the beginning, The Lazy Asshole usually feigns interest in picking up a check, or at least offers some “temporary” reason he’s unable to do so. Once the fact that you’re paying for everything has been set as the default position, he’ll cease to exhibit even the pretense of putting up his fair share. (See Chapter Eleven, “Writing the Rule Book.”) He may even have the gall to insist it’s his natural right not to contribute, on the basis of some other contribution he made—like the four times he actually cleaned the house while you were at work, or those increasingly infrequent occasions when he can peel his Cheeto-stained ass off the couch long enough to provide you with an orgasm.
These are five of the (relatively) benign types of Asshole to avoid. In the next chapter, we will examine a few that are more than just a waste of your time, love, and energy. They’re the kind of men that can leave bruises—both figurative and literal—that don’t heal so easily or so well.
Chapter Nine
Rescuing Normal
In the last chapter, we covered five types of common assholes you want to avoid, in an honest but tongue-in-cheek way. A lot of this book is written in this particular style, since I know a healthy dose of sardonic wit is missing in most (if not all) dating books—thus the wonderful tome you now hold in front of you.
This, however, is the one chapter that won’t be presented in this way. There is very little that’s funny in the next few pages, so if you’re here solely for entertainment value (which is perfectly acceptable), you may want to skip ahead. Before we get to the really heavy stuff, let’s start with a basic truth about men:
The majority of them are okay.
I’m not saying that the majority of men out there will set the world on fire, treat you like a goddess and with absolute care, sensitivity, and compassion. I’m saying that most men, at their core, are decent, kind, and desirous of giving and receiving love. They may not all be right for you, but they don’t warp your desire for future male companionship.
Like anything else in life with a huge sample size (more than 140 million men in North America alone), men generally cleave to an average, a norm. Take, for instance, these national averages for a man in the United States:
The average man is about thirty-four years old.
He earns about thirty-six thousand dollars a year and has about three thousand in savings.
He is about 5’9” tall and weighs about 175 pounds.
He is at the height of his athletic fitness and personal health at about twenty-three.
The majority of men consider themselves to be “physically fit” (69 percent). The actual percentage who are fit, according to standards set by the U.S. government, is 13 percent.
The average male life span is currently about
The Lazy Asshole can take many forms. He can be a starving artist, a college student, a trust fund kid whose parents have cut the leash, or a failed entrepreneur who refuses to acknowledge that his idea/start-up is unfeasible or just plain dumb. (See also “The Deluded Asshole.”) All the various incarnations of this guy share an unearned sense that the world owes them a living, and since the world seems not to be kicking in its share, you’ll do quite nicely.
In the beginning, The Lazy Asshole usually feigns interest in picking up a check, or at least offers some “temporary” reason he’s unable to do so. Once the fact that you’re paying for everything has been set as the default position, he’ll cease to exhibit even the pretense of putting up his fair share. (See Chapter Eleven, “Writing the Rule Book.”) He may even have the gall to insist it’s his natural right not to contribute, on the basis of some other contribution he made—like the four times he actually cleaned the house while you were at work, or those increasingly infrequent occasions when he can peel his Cheeto-stained ass off the couch long enough to provide you with an orgasm.
These are five of the (relatively) benign types of Asshole to avoid. In the next chapter, we will examine a few that are more than just a waste of your time, love, and energy. They’re the kind of men that can leave bruises—both figurative and literal—that don’t heal so easily or so well.
Chapter Nine
Rescuing Normal
In the last chapter, we covered five types of common assholes you want to avoid, in an honest but tongue-in-cheek way. A lot of this book is written in this particular style, since I know a healthy dose of sardonic wit is missing in most (if not all) dating books—thus the wonderful tome you now hold in front of you.
This, however, is the one chapter that won’t be presented in this way. There is very little that’s funny in the next few pages, so if you’re here solely for entertainment value (which is perfectly acceptable), you may want to skip ahead. Before we get to the really heavy stuff, let’s start with a basic truth about men:
The majority of them are okay.
I’m not saying that the majority of men out there will set the world on fire, treat you like a goddess and with absolute care, sensitivity, and compassion. I’m saying that most men, at their core, are decent, kind, and desirous of giving and receiving love. They may not all be right for you, but they don’t warp your desire for future male companionship.
Like anything else in life with a huge sample size (more than 140 million men in North America alone), men generally cleave to an average, a norm. Take, for instance, these national averages for a man in the United States:
The average man is about thirty-four years old.
He earns about thirty-six thousand dollars a year and has about three thousand in savings.
He is about 5’9” tall and weighs about 175 pounds.
He is at the height of his athletic fitness and personal health at about twenty-three.
The majority of men consider themselves to be “physically fit” (69 percent). The actual percentage who are fit, according to standards set by the U.S. government, is 13 percent.
The average male life span is currently about
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