Read Online You Can Date Boys When You're Forty: Dave Barry on Parenting and Other Topics He Knows Very Little About by Dave Barry - Free Book Online

something: That is
exactly
what I am doing. Because the stereotype is true. It is a scientific fact that women talk more than men. This was proven in a study done by researchers at the University of Maryland and reported on the Internet, a leading source of information. If I understand this study correctly—and I think we can all agree that this is highly unlikely—it concerned a protein called FOXP2, which is associated with vocalization, and which is found, among other places, in the brains of baby rats. In their study, the researchers found that if you separate mother rats from their babies, they will bite you.
    No, seriously, the researchers found that the baby rats whose brains contained higher levels of FOXP2 emitted more distress cries and, as a result, the mother rats retrieved these babies first. Iwas surprised by this. Not the protein part; the part about the mother rats retrieving their babies. I don’t think of rats as being maternal. I think of them as being vermin. I assumed that if you separated a mother rat from her babies, she would just shrug * and resume scurrying around and spreading the bubonic plague. But no: She’s a mom! She retrieves her babies!
Aw.
    Then she eats them.
    No, I don’t know what she does with them and I frankly don’t care because—follow me closely here—they are rats. But the scientific point is that the baby rats with more FOXP2 protein in their brains vocalized more than the ones with less. And here’s the thing: It turns out that FOXP2 is also found in the brains of humans, and Sf hic fac
female humans have more of it
. So there is your scientific reason why women talk more. We still don’t know what causes women to wear shoes that hurt, or fill their homes with reeking decorative candles that provide no more illumination than a lukewarm bagel, or watch
The View
, or put small weird-shaped pillows on beds that already
have
pillows, but we assume some kind of mutant brain proteins are also causing these behaviors.
    Anyway, I think both men and women can benefit from the Maryland study—men by understanding that women have a biological tendency to vocalize, and women by understanding that it would not kill them to every once in a while just shut up.
    Kidding! I am kidding!
    But I do think you women can learn something important from this study, which is this: The next time you become frustrated with your husband or boyfriend because you don’t think he’s sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings with you, remember: Talking is not as easy for him as it is for you. Men are more suited to taking action, such as opening a beer, or opening a second beer.
    You should also consider the fact that men, compared to women, don’t
have
all that many innermost thoughts and feelings, and the ones we do have we are not necessarily proud of. Consider the situation of a man and a woman on a first date. I guarantee you they are not thinking the same kinds of things:
    What the woman is thinking:
He’s physically attractive enough, but what about his personality? Is he intelligent? Does he have a good sense of humor? Does he have good manners? Is he self-centered or is he sincerely interested in me? Is he involved in any other relationships? Is he in good physical shape? Does he drink too much? Use drugs? Is he trustworthy? Does he have a good job? Would he be a good provider? What kind of family does he come from? What are his interests? What about his values? Are our backgrounds similar enough that we would be compatible? Does he want to have children? What kind of parent would he be? Am I talking too much about myself?
    What the man is thinking:
She has a vagina!
    Trust me, that’s pretty much all he is thinking. Men have that particular thought
a
lot
. And they think it in a totally positive way. But it’s not something they can
share
. So when you ask us what we’re thinking and we answer, “Nothing,” take it as a compliment. We’re probably thinking about you! Or at least