actually board but took our own food: screws of tea, packets of sugar and corned beef cushioned by shirts and socks and bathing-costumes, all packed in a bulging cardboard box, cat’s-cradled in string and fetched on the train from Leeds. So when we were on holiday there was no romance to the food: we ate exactly what we did at home. Come six o’clock, while the rest of the clientele at The Waverley or The Clarendon or The Claremont would be wiring into ‘a little bit of plaice’ or the ‘bit of something tasty’ which the landlady had provided, the Bennett family would be having their usual slice of cold brisket and a tomato. It was home from home.
( Reception desk .)
GUEST: Can we just register, please?
( Lobby .)
GUEST: And she’s lovely legs, beautiful legs and lovely face, hips like that, she shows you, you know; it’s just like a leg of pork.
So, what’s on the agenda for today, then?
( Hotel notice-board: ‘Dr Barnardo’s Fashion Show ’. Ballroom: two girls practise modelling .)
Although these are amateurs, fashion shows seem brisker than they once were. Gone the languid elegance of Barbara Goalen – not even a name to Janet and Tina, cavorting on the cat-walk.
( Grosvenor Room .)
ANDY: … because York has this lovely sewage problem that we all know so much about, and in fact Tracy’s … Tracy’s got more to spend on sewage than you have, Mike.
TRACY: Well, they wouldn’t have delivered any toilet rolls as yet.
What is new in hotels is the meetings. In the Grosvenor Room the manageresses of some roadside eateries are being grilled by Andy, the local representative.
Tracy has sewage problems, which Andy will want to talk her through before reporting back to District, where he will be grilled in his turn – another meeting.
ANDY: OK, because the budgets are out but they’re not out in computer form at the moment, so, in order to help you …
( A table of customers’ complaints on the blackboard. Top of the list (with o) is Thirsk. Bottom (with 9) is Rainton North .)
Steer clear of Rainton North seems to be the message. Discerning diners go to Thirsk.
ANDY: It doesn’t need an awful lot doing to it, so consequently he’s paying the money for other restaurants to benefit …
Yes, but then eventually there’ll come a time when Tracy needs special maintenance – probably on drainage – in which case she doesn’t pay for the drainage, you see, it comes back …
( Melbourne Room .)
LECTURER: Of these volunteers, at least one half – and it can be more if you can do this – are going to be what we call ‘starters’; that is, they have not been using hormonal contraceptives in the previous two months.
In the Melbourne Room the doctors wrestle with birth control.And the topic is not confined to the Melbourne Room either. In the lobby begins a muted saga from the same department.
( Lobby .)
GENTEEL WOMAN … she wouldn’t tell me where it was she thought he might be, and I said, ‘You just pass this message on to him and tell him that’ – I’ve a bit of experience because I’ve gone through this – I said, ‘that you can’t be haemorrhaging like that.’ He says, ‘You’ve got a very good friend, Mrs Birmingham.’ So that was nice, wasn’t it?
FRIEND: That’s her about the … wasn’t it?
GENTEEL WOMAN: And he said, ‘I’m glad she did.’ He was going to leave it while Monday.
Anyway, he’s coming now so he’s made a fourth. And, you see, the receptionist – you don’t listen to these receptionists. I mean, they’re … always so … I don’t know.
The coffee’s not very hot.
( Lobby .)
My parents liked this side of hotel life, and they would have liked this kind of hotel: weddings, dinner dances, functions galore. Not that there’d ever be anything in which they’d dream of participating, only there’d be more to see, more types, more going off. They’d station themselves on the sofa and watch what went on, other people leading their lives,
( Reception desk .)
GUEST: Can we just register, please?
( Lobby .)
GUEST: And she’s lovely legs, beautiful legs and lovely face, hips like that, she shows you, you know; it’s just like a leg of pork.
So, what’s on the agenda for today, then?
( Hotel notice-board: ‘Dr Barnardo’s Fashion Show ’. Ballroom: two girls practise modelling .)
Although these are amateurs, fashion shows seem brisker than they once were. Gone the languid elegance of Barbara Goalen – not even a name to Janet and Tina, cavorting on the cat-walk.
( Grosvenor Room .)
ANDY: … because York has this lovely sewage problem that we all know so much about, and in fact Tracy’s … Tracy’s got more to spend on sewage than you have, Mike.
TRACY: Well, they wouldn’t have delivered any toilet rolls as yet.
What is new in hotels is the meetings. In the Grosvenor Room the manageresses of some roadside eateries are being grilled by Andy, the local representative.
Tracy has sewage problems, which Andy will want to talk her through before reporting back to District, where he will be grilled in his turn – another meeting.
ANDY: OK, because the budgets are out but they’re not out in computer form at the moment, so, in order to help you …
( A table of customers’ complaints on the blackboard. Top of the list (with o) is Thirsk. Bottom (with 9) is Rainton North .)
Steer clear of Rainton North seems to be the message. Discerning diners go to Thirsk.
ANDY: It doesn’t need an awful lot doing to it, so consequently he’s paying the money for other restaurants to benefit …
Yes, but then eventually there’ll come a time when Tracy needs special maintenance – probably on drainage – in which case she doesn’t pay for the drainage, you see, it comes back …
( Melbourne Room .)
LECTURER: Of these volunteers, at least one half – and it can be more if you can do this – are going to be what we call ‘starters’; that is, they have not been using hormonal contraceptives in the previous two months.
In the Melbourne Room the doctors wrestle with birth control.And the topic is not confined to the Melbourne Room either. In the lobby begins a muted saga from the same department.
( Lobby .)
GENTEEL WOMAN … she wouldn’t tell me where it was she thought he might be, and I said, ‘You just pass this message on to him and tell him that’ – I’ve a bit of experience because I’ve gone through this – I said, ‘that you can’t be haemorrhaging like that.’ He says, ‘You’ve got a very good friend, Mrs Birmingham.’ So that was nice, wasn’t it?
FRIEND: That’s her about the … wasn’t it?
GENTEEL WOMAN: And he said, ‘I’m glad she did.’ He was going to leave it while Monday.
Anyway, he’s coming now so he’s made a fourth. And, you see, the receptionist – you don’t listen to these receptionists. I mean, they’re … always so … I don’t know.
The coffee’s not very hot.
( Lobby .)
My parents liked this side of hotel life, and they would have liked this kind of hotel: weddings, dinner dances, functions galore. Not that there’d ever be anything in which they’d dream of participating, only there’d be more to see, more types, more going off. They’d station themselves on the sofa and watch what went on, other people leading their lives,
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