Read Online Words Can Change Your Brain by Andrew Newberg - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Andrew Newberg
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encountered, and any unique variations or new strategies that you have found useful. We’ll try them out and test them, and share them with our growing community online. Our aim, as always, is to help people bring a little more peace into their lives and to bring that peacefulness into their conversations with others. In that way we hope, with your help, to bring a little more peace into the world.
PART 3
The Application
Practicing Effective Communication with Others
C HAPTER 10
Compassionate Communication with Loved Ones
I n this chapter we’ll share with you how different people have used Compassionate Communication to initiate dating, deepen intimacy, build empathy with strangers, and handle conflicts in their personal lives.
Every brain processes language in a different way, and this results in a communication style that is unique to each individual. Thus every conversation has the potential to unfold in a creative and original way. Normally, we try to standardize our language and the way we use our words, but as far as the research is concerned, this is nearly impossible to do. Different people continue to apply different meanings to the same words, and everyone uses a different style of vocalization. Some people like to speak as little as possible; others like to chatter away. Some prefer to talk superficially; others like to delve into the most personally revealing issues. These differences are what cause us to misunderstand one another, and the misunderstandings can lead to hurt, anger, and disappointment.
Compassionate Communication levels the playing field with the primary assumption that every conversation—indeed every sentence we speak—is filled with verbal and nonverbal messages that we frequently overlook. By bringing our awareness into the present moment, we can approach a conversation with an open perspective, the explicit intention to not impose our opinions or judgments on each other, and an honest desire to better understand the other person.
Compassionate Communication is not just about the dialogue. It’s also about the space two people create during a conversation. You are practicing how to be with another person, in conversation, and in silence. When you honor this shared space, the relationship can take on a numinous quality that brings with it a heightened sense of awareness and aliveness.
A First Date
The best time to apply the twelve core principles of Compassionate Communication is when we first meet someone. They help us to suspend our inner speech and the natural anxiety that occurs when we meet a stranger or someone we don’t know well. And they encourage us to feel open and relaxed enough to avoid putting the other person on guard. This is a moment when we need to be particularly observant so we can see if trust is even a possibility. Here’s how a young man used Compassionate Communication when he began dating after his marriage collapsed.
It was a difficult time for George. He was separated and living alone, and he was about to go out on a date. He hadn’t felt this vulnerable in years. A thousand voices were arguing in his head: “Am I still attractive? Will I like her? And if I do, will she like me or reject me? What should I say? What should I do? Oh God! I feel like a teenager in a middle-aged body.” The voices went on and on.
He cringed at the idea of playing the dating game, but the notion of being alone for yet another weekend was just too much to bear. The woman he was about to meet was also going through a divorce, and they had been introduced through a local dating service.
George drove to the community park, where he and Marcy had decided to meet. He stepped out of the car and braced himself for the initial exchange. The inner voices were raging, and his heart was pounding in his chest. From head to toe, adrenaline filled him with fear.
In the past, dating had never been a problem because George used to be a player. He knew how to tease, and he knew how
PART 3
The Application
Practicing Effective Communication with Others
C HAPTER 10
Compassionate Communication with Loved Ones
I n this chapter we’ll share with you how different people have used Compassionate Communication to initiate dating, deepen intimacy, build empathy with strangers, and handle conflicts in their personal lives.
Every brain processes language in a different way, and this results in a communication style that is unique to each individual. Thus every conversation has the potential to unfold in a creative and original way. Normally, we try to standardize our language and the way we use our words, but as far as the research is concerned, this is nearly impossible to do. Different people continue to apply different meanings to the same words, and everyone uses a different style of vocalization. Some people like to speak as little as possible; others like to chatter away. Some prefer to talk superficially; others like to delve into the most personally revealing issues. These differences are what cause us to misunderstand one another, and the misunderstandings can lead to hurt, anger, and disappointment.
Compassionate Communication levels the playing field with the primary assumption that every conversation—indeed every sentence we speak—is filled with verbal and nonverbal messages that we frequently overlook. By bringing our awareness into the present moment, we can approach a conversation with an open perspective, the explicit intention to not impose our opinions or judgments on each other, and an honest desire to better understand the other person.
Compassionate Communication is not just about the dialogue. It’s also about the space two people create during a conversation. You are practicing how to be with another person, in conversation, and in silence. When you honor this shared space, the relationship can take on a numinous quality that brings with it a heightened sense of awareness and aliveness.
A First Date
The best time to apply the twelve core principles of Compassionate Communication is when we first meet someone. They help us to suspend our inner speech and the natural anxiety that occurs when we meet a stranger or someone we don’t know well. And they encourage us to feel open and relaxed enough to avoid putting the other person on guard. This is a moment when we need to be particularly observant so we can see if trust is even a possibility. Here’s how a young man used Compassionate Communication when he began dating after his marriage collapsed.
It was a difficult time for George. He was separated and living alone, and he was about to go out on a date. He hadn’t felt this vulnerable in years. A thousand voices were arguing in his head: “Am I still attractive? Will I like her? And if I do, will she like me or reject me? What should I say? What should I do? Oh God! I feel like a teenager in a middle-aged body.” The voices went on and on.
He cringed at the idea of playing the dating game, but the notion of being alone for yet another weekend was just too much to bear. The woman he was about to meet was also going through a divorce, and they had been introduced through a local dating service.
George drove to the community park, where he and Marcy had decided to meet. He stepped out of the car and braced himself for the initial exchange. The inner voices were raging, and his heart was pounding in his chest. From head to toe, adrenaline filled him with fear.
In the past, dating had never been a problem because George used to be a player. He knew how to tease, and he knew how
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