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benefits.
    The next time you practice Compassionate Communication you’ll discover that the conversation will again take surprising turns. You can also begin to experiment with speaking longer—say two or three sentences at a time. When you do this, the goal is to make sure that the other person is fully engaged in listening to you. If not, it’s a clear sign to pause and let the other person respond.
    If one person has a tendency to talk longer than thirty seconds, you have several choices. You can simply observe to see if the other person realizes that they’ve engaged in a monologue, or you can watch how your inner speech reacts. This training exercise is a learning experience, and each time you practice, you’ll intuitionally recognize layers of communication that you never noticed before.
    If the person continues to speak too long, you can bring this issue into the Compassionate Communication dialogue. Tell them how you feel but tell them briefly, with a warm tone of voice. Many people have deeply embedded unconscious habits, and you may have to gently pull them into the Compassionate Communication model many times before their habits begin to change.
    Going Deeper
    If both parties want to, you can choose to take the conversation to a more intimate level. We suggest that you wait for about five to seven minutes before doing this, but we also suggest that you talk for no more than another five minutes. Close with a compliment and an appreciative comment. Then share your experience with other. What did you learn? What value do you feel the exercise has? What can you take away from it that you can incorporate into your daily conversations?
    Now you can decide if you feel ready to discuss more difficult issues in your relationship. Often one person will feel ready to jump in but the other person will hesitate. Our advice: don’t push it. Take more time and practice more rounds of Compassionate Communication. In those rounds talk about the concerns you may have, because this is the ideal state in which to establish the necessary ground rules for working through conflicts and problems. Use Compassionate Communication to create a game plan, and discuss how to handle the conversation if one person gets too upset.
    The beauty of this exercise is that it allows you to cooperatively create strategies that are embedded with feelings of mutual trust and respect. If these qualities aren’t present, then the communication process breaks down.
    Usually the conversations that emerge are pleasant and constructive, but sometimes they bring up unexpected anxiety. For example, some couples begin to worry about what the other person might say. If you are conscious of this, then we suggest that you use the exercise to share those feelings, following the rule of not saying anything you think would be upsetting to the other person. It may take five, ten, or even twenty rounds of practice, but eventually progress will be made. If not, then a therapist (or, in the case of a business conflict, an executive coach) can probably assist. Continue to practice the strategies of Compassionate Communication, especially when a third party is involved.
    Sometimes a person’s inner anxiety or irritability will make them say something that interrupts your flow. If this happens, we suggest that you don’t bring it up in the Compassionate Communication format until you’ve become proficient at it. Table the issue and use the “imaginary fight” exercise described in the following chapter.
    Here’s our suggestion for couples who want to make a commitment to this methodology. Decide together how often you want to practice each week. Ideally this would be five to seven times. When the other person isn’t available, you can do steps one through eight in your imagination, and then rehearse what you want to say the next time the two of you talk.
    Keeping a diary of your experience enhances the process, but don’t use your diary to vent. Research has