when they’ve been hijacked by primitives. Perhaps this is why Rick Hanson, in Buddha’s Brain (Hanson and Mendius 2009), refers to ambassadors as “wolves of love” (compared with “wolves of hate,” the primitives). Nevertheless, under ordinary circumstances, namely stress-free circumstances, our ambassadors do their best to help us keep love alive.
Let’s meet the ambassadors and look at how they help us not only avoid war, but maintain peace and love in relationships (table 2.2).
Table 2.2 Your Ambassadors in Action
KEEPING THE PEACE—THE SMART VAGUS
Fortunately, our ambassadors usually do a good job of keeping our primitives in line. Because ambassadors operate more slowly than do primitives, they are particularly successful at keeping peace in situations where time is on their side.
It so happens our dumb vagus has a younger and more intelligent sibling; namely, our smart vagus (aka, ventral vagal complex ). Like its relative, the smart vagus slows us down. However, instead of overreacting and shutting us down, it enables us to hold our head above water and below the stratosphere, so to speak. Stephen Porges (1995) developed what he termed the polyvagal theory ( poly meaning many) to explain how the dual aspects of our vagal system (dumb and smart) switch on and off according to the needs of the moment. He referred to this as part of our complex social engagement system , through which our body either helps or hinders our ability to relate to one another.
For example, taking a deep, slow breath, particularly a slow exhalation, stimulates our smart vagus. Without the ability to calm ourselves down in this manner, physical proximity with another human being would be time limited at best, and romance would be short lived.
If Leia and Franklin had taken a few deep breaths while they were in the car, they might have been able to avoid going to war. Even if their argument had erupted and things had started to get out of hand, pausing to take some deep breaths could have stopped the cycle. If either had been able to appropriately modulate his or her vocal tone and volume, they might have been able to get themselves back on a peaceful track.
Partners enjoying a couple bubble benefit from the contributions of their smart vagus and its ambassador colleagues. They are able to slow down and relax together, to soothe one another, and bond intimately. They learn what to say to one another to dispel potential threats and keep the peace. We will examine this further in Chapter 4.
Exercise: How Do You Sound?
Most of the time, we don’t stop to listen to the sound our voices make as we talk to our partner. We don’t pay attention to the rate of our breathing. We just run on automatic pilot. But when you slow down and engage your ambassadors, you gain a wide range of options.
Next time you and your partner are talking in a relaxed setting, experiment and play with this. See what happens when you:
modulate your voice (louder and softer; slower and faster);
whisper to one another (can you do that?);
take a deep breath each time before you speak;
ask one another which tones you like and which trigger your primitives.
KEEPING THINGS STRAIGHT—THE HIPPOCAMPUS
A harmonious relationship is one in which the partners each know who they are, and also know who the other is. They possess a basic sense of orientation within themselves and within their relationship, and this underlies their communications. They don’t unnecessarily confuse one another. And if confusion ever does arise, they are able to sort it out with relative ease. We could say both that they’re good at keeping things straight and that they know how to be straight with one another.
This is accomplished by another ambassador, the hippocampus . Its shape resembles that of a seahorse ( hippos is “horse” in Greek), and its function is to track important stuff, such as where we are, where we’re going, what just happened, and what happened weeks and
Let’s meet the ambassadors and look at how they help us not only avoid war, but maintain peace and love in relationships (table 2.2).
Table 2.2 Your Ambassadors in Action
KEEPING THE PEACE—THE SMART VAGUS
Fortunately, our ambassadors usually do a good job of keeping our primitives in line. Because ambassadors operate more slowly than do primitives, they are particularly successful at keeping peace in situations where time is on their side.
It so happens our dumb vagus has a younger and more intelligent sibling; namely, our smart vagus (aka, ventral vagal complex ). Like its relative, the smart vagus slows us down. However, instead of overreacting and shutting us down, it enables us to hold our head above water and below the stratosphere, so to speak. Stephen Porges (1995) developed what he termed the polyvagal theory ( poly meaning many) to explain how the dual aspects of our vagal system (dumb and smart) switch on and off according to the needs of the moment. He referred to this as part of our complex social engagement system , through which our body either helps or hinders our ability to relate to one another.
For example, taking a deep, slow breath, particularly a slow exhalation, stimulates our smart vagus. Without the ability to calm ourselves down in this manner, physical proximity with another human being would be time limited at best, and romance would be short lived.
If Leia and Franklin had taken a few deep breaths while they were in the car, they might have been able to avoid going to war. Even if their argument had erupted and things had started to get out of hand, pausing to take some deep breaths could have stopped the cycle. If either had been able to appropriately modulate his or her vocal tone and volume, they might have been able to get themselves back on a peaceful track.
Partners enjoying a couple bubble benefit from the contributions of their smart vagus and its ambassador colleagues. They are able to slow down and relax together, to soothe one another, and bond intimately. They learn what to say to one another to dispel potential threats and keep the peace. We will examine this further in Chapter 4.
Exercise: How Do You Sound?
Most of the time, we don’t stop to listen to the sound our voices make as we talk to our partner. We don’t pay attention to the rate of our breathing. We just run on automatic pilot. But when you slow down and engage your ambassadors, you gain a wide range of options.
Next time you and your partner are talking in a relaxed setting, experiment and play with this. See what happens when you:
modulate your voice (louder and softer; slower and faster);
whisper to one another (can you do that?);
take a deep breath each time before you speak;
ask one another which tones you like and which trigger your primitives.
KEEPING THINGS STRAIGHT—THE HIPPOCAMPUS
A harmonious relationship is one in which the partners each know who they are, and also know who the other is. They possess a basic sense of orientation within themselves and within their relationship, and this underlies their communications. They don’t unnecessarily confuse one another. And if confusion ever does arise, they are able to sort it out with relative ease. We could say both that they’re good at keeping things straight and that they know how to be straight with one another.
This is accomplished by another ambassador, the hippocampus . Its shape resembles that of a seahorse ( hippos is “horse” in Greek), and its function is to track important stuff, such as where we are, where we’re going, what just happened, and what happened weeks and
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