Read Online When Gods Fail by Nelson Lowhim - Free Book Online

they would either come for me or
we'd run into each other at the water hole. Then it would be
trouble. Big Lee and Johnny had been right.
    I thought about food, if we ever ran out I
could set traps for insects and rats. "What about the rats, did you
catch any recently?"
    "No."
    "Any reason?"
    "Pa said they're dead too. That soon it
would be our turn."
    Those words struck me harder than they
should've. I grabbed a rifle and two handguns and rustled through
the ammunition boxes for more bullets. Paul and Bill. I opened the
door and looked outside. Nothing. The sky was still covered in a
gray texture. Some rays pierced through. They didn't seem so
miraculous. I turned to her. "You know how to shoot?"
    She nodded; her eyes were once again fixated
on where we had slept the previous night.
    "You have a gun?" I asked.
    She shook her head; she still refused to
look me in the eye.
    "You want one?"
    "No."
    "Why not?" As I spoke I wondered if it was a
good idea to give her a weapon in her state. I could very well find
myself on the wrong side of the barrel.
    "Why does it matter?"
    Her dejection was contagious. In the back of
my mind I knew that she hadn't been like that when I first met her.
"Hey, I'll be back. I'm going to look for your family. Got it?"
    She nodded. But that wasn't enough.
    "Got it?" I said loudly.
    That startled her and she looked up and once
again examined my face with her eyes. "Yes."
    I don't know what I'd expected. For her to
look at me like what happened last night was an amazing event? That
we now had a connection? Yes I wanted that. If she didn't, she was
somehow a fool who couldn't see reality for what it was. I shut the
door behind me and locked it. It was for her own good.
    I approached the cave slowly, hiding behind
rocks until I came to the mouth. I listened for some sign of life.
Nothing. I moved back to the satellite peak behind the cave and
looked in the direction of Paul and Bill's homestead. A line was
traced in the distant flat land. The sleds. Unless I watched this
path everyday there was no way I could get them. I entertained
leaving them alone. No, they were running low on food and would
soon be after me. This was no time to be weak. But I felt weak.
    The land before me was desolate, a cemetery
more than anything else. No wonder Jenny had looked at it once and
stayed in the shack. She was more human than I.
    Please. Don't. The words rang in my head. I
felt the shock of melancholy ripple through my body. Yet I had,
over and over again. Who was to blame? Surely it couldn't be my
fault? But the look Jenny gave me. What was that? I felt Coral's
ghost looking at me.
    Silence. My thoughts got louder. What a
land. What fruits could it possibly bear? I let my hands catch my
face, as my head fell forward. I cried. Sobbed uncontrollably. It
was a pathetic show, but without anyone around it didn't matter. I
needed the release. Poor Jenny.
    Big Lee and Johnny.
    The other family.
    All dead.
    I'd massacred an entire family! Taken the
mother prisoner. She must have thought I was horrendous. A madman.
Taken advantage of a young woman. These thoughts circled around my
head like vultures, each taking their turn to dive. I tried to
shake them off. There was nothing anymore, I reminded myself, there
was no higher power, no group of peers to judge me. I was alone and
free. Besides, the blame could not be laid at my doorstep. I'd been
attacked each time. What else could I have done?
    A weak wind picked up, blew dry air against
my skin. It was chilly, odorless. I wanted to see some weather.
Something other than the bleak everyday-nothing that I'd seen so
far. Then the wind whipped around, and I smelled flesh, body odor.
Not Jenny's sweet smell, but a dirty, grimy, manly smell. I looked
in the direction of the wind and stole a quick glance behind
me.
    I cocked my head; the child of an echo
touched my ears. Someone was nearby. I pointed my rifle in the
direction of the noise. Silence again. My heart beat against my
lungs,