declared, ‘I teach suffering, its origin, cessation and path’ 2500 years ago, his teachings must be relevant to grieving. Understanding thatlife is suffering, and that much of that suffering comes from clinging to the illusion of permanence, helps. Approaching life knowing that suffering is a non-negotiable part of it, and that nothing lasts forever, has enabled me to get through the days, focused on the here and now, refusing to worry about what will happen in the future, how long my boys will continue to live healthily for, how long Trevor will stay alive. I am learning to accept that anxieties such as these cause me greater pain and to acknowledge that I have absolutely no control over the impermanence of life. As the Dalai Lama has said: ‘The reality of death has always been a major spur to virtuous and intelligent action in all Buddhist societies. It is not considered morbid to contemplate it, but rather liberating from fear.’ 3
Bonanno’s longitudinal research following bereaved spouses also reveals the strong relationship between people’s views on death and how they cope with bereavement. 4 Having interviewed a probability sample of 1532 married men and women from the Detroit area in 1987–1988 on a wide range of variables, including their world views, social support, family, wellbeing and depression diagnosis (prior to bereavement), Bonanno and his team then followed bereaved participants over three subsequent waves of assessment, evaluating their psychosocial adjustment and resilience specifically over the next five years. Participants’ responses to statements like ‘Death is simply part of the process of life’ and ‘I don’t see any point in worrying about death’ predicted how well they coped with grief. ‘People who years earlier said they didn’t worry about death or who generally accepted that death happens were the same people who tended to cope best with the pain of grief when their spouse died,’ Bonanno explains. 5
Feeling a heightened sense of vulnerability (worrying about all the things that might happen), and having the girly future I had eagerly anticipated wrenched away from me, have been two of the toughest aspects of Abi’s death to handle. Understanding that secondary losses are real and warrant my attention has helped. Being aware of them has made me realise how multi-dimensional our loss is and helped me to understand the many different aspects and scope of my grief. Writing about these losses has also helped, forcing me to acknowledge them and consider their impact. And because I like my writings to wrap up in some kind of conclusion, the process encouraged me to make plans regarding ways to cope with them. Secondary losses have a nasty habit of revealing themselves over time, however. Some can be dealt with practically; others are excruciating and have to be endured. They are a work in progress for me.
Exercise in identifying secondary losses
When someone we love dies, we also have to come to terms with other ‘secondary losses’ that occur as a result of the death (the primary loss).
What secondary losses have you got to cope with? Consider which of the following are secondary losses for you. Financial losses or changes in income? Emotional support? A loss of routine? Have you lost specific friendships? What practical things? Your faith? Are there communities or groups you will no longer see as a result of the primary loss? Have you lost your self-confidence? Your identity? Life purpose or sense of direction? What about your hopes and dreams for the future? Your sense of safety? How have your family roles and duties changed?
Circle the three that most resonate with you, or write your own down. Who can you talk to about these losses? Who recognises the importance of them and will support you? What about putting your thoughts down on paper if you don’t want to talk about them, or discussing it in an email with a sympathetic source? Greater awareness brings the
Bonanno’s longitudinal research following bereaved spouses also reveals the strong relationship between people’s views on death and how they cope with bereavement. 4 Having interviewed a probability sample of 1532 married men and women from the Detroit area in 1987–1988 on a wide range of variables, including their world views, social support, family, wellbeing and depression diagnosis (prior to bereavement), Bonanno and his team then followed bereaved participants over three subsequent waves of assessment, evaluating their psychosocial adjustment and resilience specifically over the next five years. Participants’ responses to statements like ‘Death is simply part of the process of life’ and ‘I don’t see any point in worrying about death’ predicted how well they coped with grief. ‘People who years earlier said they didn’t worry about death or who generally accepted that death happens were the same people who tended to cope best with the pain of grief when their spouse died,’ Bonanno explains. 5
Feeling a heightened sense of vulnerability (worrying about all the things that might happen), and having the girly future I had eagerly anticipated wrenched away from me, have been two of the toughest aspects of Abi’s death to handle. Understanding that secondary losses are real and warrant my attention has helped. Being aware of them has made me realise how multi-dimensional our loss is and helped me to understand the many different aspects and scope of my grief. Writing about these losses has also helped, forcing me to acknowledge them and consider their impact. And because I like my writings to wrap up in some kind of conclusion, the process encouraged me to make plans regarding ways to cope with them. Secondary losses have a nasty habit of revealing themselves over time, however. Some can be dealt with practically; others are excruciating and have to be endured. They are a work in progress for me.
Exercise in identifying secondary losses
When someone we love dies, we also have to come to terms with other ‘secondary losses’ that occur as a result of the death (the primary loss).
What secondary losses have you got to cope with? Consider which of the following are secondary losses for you. Financial losses or changes in income? Emotional support? A loss of routine? Have you lost specific friendships? What practical things? Your faith? Are there communities or groups you will no longer see as a result of the primary loss? Have you lost your self-confidence? Your identity? Life purpose or sense of direction? What about your hopes and dreams for the future? Your sense of safety? How have your family roles and duties changed?
Circle the three that most resonate with you, or write your own down. Who can you talk to about these losses? Who recognises the importance of them and will support you? What about putting your thoughts down on paper if you don’t want to talk about them, or discussing it in an email with a sympathetic source? Greater awareness brings the
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