Read Online Waking Lazarus by T. L. Hines - Free Book Online

Nathan, a warm wave of pride always washed over him; he could scarcely believe he had been a part of something so beautiful. But soon after the pride came the shame. He wasn’t much of a father.
    Frightened, weak, and yes, paranoid. He knew he was paranoid, knew he felt he was being watched more often than he actually was . But he couldn’t just turn off those feelings at the spigot; even if he could, some of the paranoia would still leak through, anyway.
    Tonight, however, another emotion came as well. Call it resolve. Jude vowed he was going to change for Nathan. After Kristina’s confrontation, he somehow felt . . . freed. Soon she’d probably let the world know that Jude Allman lived, ha ha, and he’d have to face the constant hounding once again. But until then, in this brief afterglow, he was free from a chain he’d been dragging around the last six years.
    And maybe, just maybe, this was what he needed to turn the corner. Recently he could feel he was getting stagnant, the paranoia steadily worsening. The blackouts, he felt, were part of a deeper sickness, something he didn’t want to face. When he was younger, he had always assumed mentally ill people couldn’t know they were sick. After all, if you were sane enough to recognize you were crazy, how crazy could you really be? But now he knew that wasn’t the case. He had always been able to feel the paranoia creeping into his own brain. Felt it crawling like a low slug, and yet he was powerless to stop it.
    ‘‘Hey, squirt,’’ Jude said to Nathan. Nathan immediately turned and grinned; he jumped to his feet, then ran over for a hug. Jude was always uncomfortable being touched, but he never stopped Nathan. Never. As they embraced, Jude thumbed through his memory banks, trying to find similar images of his own father. Memories labeled ‘‘father’’ were there, part of the buried trash he’d tried so long to abandon. He knew that much. But he didn’t want to dig deeper and risk launching another headache. Not tonight.
    They heard Rachel call to them from the other end of the home. Jude looked down at Nathan. ‘‘Ready for some chow?’’
    Nathan nodded. ‘‘It’s your favorite, Daddy. I asked Mommy to make it.’’
    ‘‘What’s my favorite?’’
    Nathan furrowed his brow. ‘‘Spaghetti, acourse.’’
    Jude smiled and rubbed the top of Nathan’s head. ‘‘I think that’s your favorite, if I remember right.’’
    ‘‘Acourse.’’ Nathan had recently discovered the term ‘‘of course’’ and found it to his liking for most situations, but he always pushed the two words into one: acourse . Jude wasn’t sure if Nathan heard it as one word himself, or if he just liked the sound of the words together.
    Jude bent down to pick up Nathan, and they made their way to the dining room. As they entered, Rachel froze when she saw them. ‘‘What’s the matter?’’ Jude asked.
    She blinked, then the moment passed. ‘‘Nothing,’’ she answered. ‘‘Sit down, sit down. What do you guys want to drink?’’
    ‘‘Milk, Mommy,’’ Nathan said as Jude put him in a chair.
    Jude looked at her and smiled. ‘‘Me too,’’ he said. She smiled back and disappeared into the kitchen again.
    Jude sat and started to ask something about kindergarten but stopped when Rachel came back into the room with two glasses of milk. As much as he wanted to be gregarious and attentive for his son, he was still a long way from it.
    Rachel sat, then Nathan immediately chimed up. ‘‘Can I say the blessing, Mommy?’’ he asked, the eagerness dancing in his eyes.
    ‘‘You bet,’’ she said.
    They closed their eyes, and Nathan delivered his prayer in an unmistakable singsong cadence. ‘‘Dear God. Thank you for Mommy and Daddy, and for Poppa and Gramma Sanders, and for kindygarden. And bless this food, in Jesus’ name. Amen.’’
    ‘‘Amen,’’ Jude added as he opened his eyes. Both Nathan and Rachel were staring at him. Uncomfortable, Jude