Read Online Volume 2 - The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe by Douglas Adams - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Douglas Adams
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job, Custodian of the Total Perspective Vortex. No one will ever walk on the ground of this planet. Except the victims of the Vortex—they don’t really count I’m afraid.”
“Ah …”
“I’ll tell you the story. Would you like to hear it?”
“Er …”
“Many years ago this was a thriving, happy planet—people, cities, shops, a normal world. Except that on the high streets of these cities there were slightly more shoe shops than one might have thought necessary. And slowly, insidiously, the numbers of these shoe shops were increasing. It’s a well-known economic phenomenon but tragic to see it in operation, for the more shoe shops there were, the more shoes they had to make and the worse and more unwearable they became. And the worse they were to wear, the more people had to buy to keep themselves shod, and the more the shops proliferated, until the whole economy of the place passed what I believe is termed the Shoe Event Horizon, and it became no longer economically possible to build anything other than shoe shops. Result—collapse, ruin and famine. Most of the population died out. Those few who had the right kind of genetic instability mutated into birds—you’ve seen one of them—who cursed their feet, cursed the ground and vowed that none should walk on it again. Unhappy lot. Come, I must take you to the Vortex.”
Zaphod shook his head in bemusement and stumbled forward across the plain.
“And you,” he said, “you come from this hellhole pit, do you?”
“No no,” said Gargravarr, taken aback, “I come from the Frogstar World C. Beautiful place. Wonderful fishing. I flit back there in the evenings. Though all I can do now is watch. The Total Perspective Vortex is the only thing on this planet with any function. It was built here because no one else wanted it on their doorstep.”
At that moment another dismal scream rent the air and Zaphod shuddered.
“What can do that to a guy?” he breathed.
“The Universe,” said Gargravarr simply, “the whole infinite Universe. The infinite suns, the infinite distances between them and yourself an invisible dot on an invisible dot, infinitely small.”
“Hey, I’m Zaphod Beeblebrox, man, you know,” muttered Zaphod trying to flap the last remnants of his ego.
Gargravarr made no reply, but merely resumed his mournful humming till they reached the tarnished steel dome in the middle of the plain.
As they reached it, a door hummed open in the side, revealing a small darkened chamber within.
“Enter,” said Gargravarr.
Zaphod started with fear.
“Hey, what, now?” he said.
“Now.”
Zaphod peered nervously inside. The chamber was very small. It was steel-lined and there was hardly space in it for more than one man.
“It … er … it doesn’t look like any kind of Vortex to me,” said Zaphod.
“It isn’t,” said Gargravarr, “it’s just the elevator. Enter.”
With infinite trepidation Zaphod stepped into it. He was aware of Gargravarr being in the elevator with him, though the disembodied man was not for the moment speaking.
The elevator began its descent.
“I must get myself into the right frame of mind for this,” muttered Zaphod.
“There is no right frame of mind,” said Gargravarr sternly.
“You really know how to make a guy feel inadequate.”
“I don’t. The Vortex does.”
At the bottom of the shaft, the rear of the elevator opened up and Zaphod stumbled out into a smallish, functional, steel-lined chamber.
At the far side of it stood a single upright steel box, just large enough for a man to stand in.
It was that simple.
It connected to a small pile of components and instruments via a single thick wire.
“Is that it?” said Zaphod in surprise.
“That is it.”
Didn’t look too bad, thought Zaphod.
“And I get in there, do I?” said Zaphod.
“You get in there,” said Gargravarr, “and I’m afraid you must do it now.”
“Okay, okay,” said Zaphod.
He opened the door of the box
“Ah …”
“I’ll tell you the story. Would you like to hear it?”
“Er …”
“Many years ago this was a thriving, happy planet—people, cities, shops, a normal world. Except that on the high streets of these cities there were slightly more shoe shops than one might have thought necessary. And slowly, insidiously, the numbers of these shoe shops were increasing. It’s a well-known economic phenomenon but tragic to see it in operation, for the more shoe shops there were, the more shoes they had to make and the worse and more unwearable they became. And the worse they were to wear, the more people had to buy to keep themselves shod, and the more the shops proliferated, until the whole economy of the place passed what I believe is termed the Shoe Event Horizon, and it became no longer economically possible to build anything other than shoe shops. Result—collapse, ruin and famine. Most of the population died out. Those few who had the right kind of genetic instability mutated into birds—you’ve seen one of them—who cursed their feet, cursed the ground and vowed that none should walk on it again. Unhappy lot. Come, I must take you to the Vortex.”
Zaphod shook his head in bemusement and stumbled forward across the plain.
“And you,” he said, “you come from this hellhole pit, do you?”
“No no,” said Gargravarr, taken aback, “I come from the Frogstar World C. Beautiful place. Wonderful fishing. I flit back there in the evenings. Though all I can do now is watch. The Total Perspective Vortex is the only thing on this planet with any function. It was built here because no one else wanted it on their doorstep.”
At that moment another dismal scream rent the air and Zaphod shuddered.
“What can do that to a guy?” he breathed.
“The Universe,” said Gargravarr simply, “the whole infinite Universe. The infinite suns, the infinite distances between them and yourself an invisible dot on an invisible dot, infinitely small.”
“Hey, I’m Zaphod Beeblebrox, man, you know,” muttered Zaphod trying to flap the last remnants of his ego.
Gargravarr made no reply, but merely resumed his mournful humming till they reached the tarnished steel dome in the middle of the plain.
As they reached it, a door hummed open in the side, revealing a small darkened chamber within.
“Enter,” said Gargravarr.
Zaphod started with fear.
“Hey, what, now?” he said.
“Now.”
Zaphod peered nervously inside. The chamber was very small. It was steel-lined and there was hardly space in it for more than one man.
“It … er … it doesn’t look like any kind of Vortex to me,” said Zaphod.
“It isn’t,” said Gargravarr, “it’s just the elevator. Enter.”
With infinite trepidation Zaphod stepped into it. He was aware of Gargravarr being in the elevator with him, though the disembodied man was not for the moment speaking.
The elevator began its descent.
“I must get myself into the right frame of mind for this,” muttered Zaphod.
“There is no right frame of mind,” said Gargravarr sternly.
“You really know how to make a guy feel inadequate.”
“I don’t. The Vortex does.”
At the bottom of the shaft, the rear of the elevator opened up and Zaphod stumbled out into a smallish, functional, steel-lined chamber.
At the far side of it stood a single upright steel box, just large enough for a man to stand in.
It was that simple.
It connected to a small pile of components and instruments via a single thick wire.
“Is that it?” said Zaphod in surprise.
“That is it.”
Didn’t look too bad, thought Zaphod.
“And I get in there, do I?” said Zaphod.
“You get in there,” said Gargravarr, “and I’m afraid you must do it now.”
“Okay, okay,” said Zaphod.
He opened the door of the box
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