Read Online Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas - Free Book Online

may give your partner a lot of pleasure. In the process of giving, you may get a lot of pleasure. But sex is a lot more satisfying when your intention— either to give or to receive—is clear.
    Some readers might say, “But I thought the whole point of sex was to give and receive pleasure simultaneously.” Well, think about it. How successful has that been for you? I know for me, the messiest, least satisfying sexual situations have been when I was trying to give to my partner who was simultaneously trying to give to me. When I was trying really hard to give, I felt that I wasn’t a very good lover if I couldn’t get my partner to lie back and enjoy what I was offering. Then when I was trying really hard to receive, I felt guilty—guilty about taking too long to come, guilty about receiving more than I was giving—guilty about receiving too much pleasure.
    After facilitating more Erotic Awakening workshops than I can easily count, I think I can safely and surely say that most people find it much easier to give than to receive. The popular belief used to be that women were especially prone to overgiving and underreceiving. While there is a lot of truth in that, I don’t think men are all that far behind. Most of us seem to carry some sort of automatic guilt alarm that goes off when we are receiving pleasure. The irony of this is that the vast majority of people love giving to a receptive, willing partner who’s truly enjoying her or himself. So in trying to give back while someone is trying to give to us, we are actually depriving our partner of the pleasure of being able to go totally into the experience of giving. Aren’t we silly?
    In coming chapters, we’ll practice how to go totally into giving and then totally into receiving. Then we’ll practice giving and receiving alternately in shorter intervals. But before we practice, we need to grasp the concepts of conscious receiving and conscious giving.
    Receiving is not a passive activity. Receiving is not lying back, tuning out, disassociating, and letting someone do whatever they want to you. Conscious receiving is about staying awake and completely present in the moment, asking for what you want, and giving your partner feedback along the way.
Asking for what you want is not a demand or an ultimatum. It’s a sincere request that your partner may honor or politely decline .
    Similarly, giving is not about forcing someone to accept things that you want to do, your way, without their enthusiastic consent or agreement. Giving is about asking your partner what she or he would like to receive, and then agreeing on what you are or are not willing to give. Giving is staying present and asking for feedback, such as “Would you like that a little harder?” or “Is that too ticklish for you?”
When you’re receiving, go totally into receiving. Receive it all .
When you’re giving, go totally into giving. Give everything .
    In Tantra, we often speak of surrender. Surrender, even to the Divine, is something our culture does not encourage. Surrendering to the Divine means crossing over from our well-defined roles and worlds into the realm of the gods, where everything is possible and nothing is explained. Scary stuff for many of us. The word surrender has been commandeered by the military and the government; it conjures up images of defeat rather than release. In Tantra, surrender doesn’t mean voluntarily submitting to unpleasant experiences. Surrender is not at all the same as “grin and bear it.” Surrender is a conscious choice.
    Some people find it much easier to surrender when that surrender is explicit, such as in S/M and bondage. Other people find that kind of explicit surrender brings up all their control issues. Everyone’s path to surrender is different. Do not judge yourself for your preferences. You don’t have to do things that feel wrong in order to “grow.” As you develop your particular Tantric path, you may feel drawn to try new things.