Read Online Until There Was You by J.J. Bamber - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: J.J. Bamber
Tags: Contemporary, gay romance
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from sucking his thumb.
"Do you trust me?"
"What does that mean?" Bailey asked, nestling closer.
"Trust means… Do you think that I will always protect you, that I will always do things that will make you happy and safe?"
"Yep, I do. Now go to sleep," Bailey said, a hint of irritation in his tiny voice. Instead of authoritative, it just came across as cute, and Nate smiled towards the ceiling.
"Why do you trust me?" Nate said.
"Because you are very smart and you always do everything well and your heart beats really hard all of the time."
"What do you mean?"
"Your heart is very strong. It beats really well—Papa's heart feels slower. And Grandma's and Grandpapa's and Cecily's and Uncle David's. They all have heartbeats, but yours is better. Yours is like a drum, it always makes me feel safe to hear it like bump, bump, bump, bump. Now go to sleep, because if you don't get enough sleep you will be grouchy, like Oscar the Grouch." Bailey gave a final yawn, his mouth making a wide 'O'.
"Okay, Bay, I'm going to sleep now. I just wanted to tell you that you can always trust me. Kind of like we're on a team and I'm a really good team member who always catches the ball, or whatever." Nate knew that he could capture Bailey's attention with any kind of sports reference. He had learned more about the worlds of tennis, football, and basketball from Bailey than he ever had in gym class.
Nate moved Bailey's body slightly so that Bailey could snuggle into the mattress and create a comfortable groove. Bailey held out his hand and gripped Nate's thumb tightly. Nate looked at his son's peaceful face, the way it was growing more defined as he was growing up, the way that the light cast shadows over his caramel skin. He already had so many of what Nate thought of as Joshua's best qualities: he was strong and supportive—he already wanted to take control of situations and to make sure that everyone around him was doing okay.
As Nate watched the blanket rise and fall with his Bailey's breathing, he knew that he had made the right decision to have a child with Joshua. Even with this heartache, he wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Because the child next to him was perfect: gentle but determined, caring but heroic. Nate had spent such a long time thinking that fatherhood was a pleasure that he could not be afforded, that he would never be able to have children—that he would spend his whole life feeling like something was missing.
Sometimes Bailey looked so much like Joshua that it took Nate's breath away. He was a constant reminder of what he had lost, but he was also a reminder of the love that he had once felt. Nate had wanted to give Bailey a solid family unit so badly; he had promised himself that his child would feel loved and stable. It broke his heart that he couldn't give Bailey that stability, that there was nothing he could do to give him both parents back.
Nate closed his eyes and tried to imagine what the future would be like. What form it would take, where they would live, what they would do, how he would explain Joshua's absence to Bailey. But the image of his last night with Joshua kept lodging itself in his brain. He remembered the touch of his skin, the warm smell of him, and the safety Nate felt in their embrace. Nate shook his head as if he could somehow dislodge thoughts of the past. He knew that something was beginning to shift inside of him, that he was growing a little bit stronger, that he could show up for his son a little bit more. At the same time, he would still do anything in the world to speak to Joshua, to have him back, to have his family in one place.
He couldn't help but think about Cecily's journey, about how she brushed off the rubble of the past and dared to live a new life. He tried to take comfort from that, from knowing someone who had been in his position and came out the other side better and stronger. Nate squeezed his eyes shut and tried, once again, to conjure up an image of his
"Do you trust me?"
"What does that mean?" Bailey asked, nestling closer.
"Trust means… Do you think that I will always protect you, that I will always do things that will make you happy and safe?"
"Yep, I do. Now go to sleep," Bailey said, a hint of irritation in his tiny voice. Instead of authoritative, it just came across as cute, and Nate smiled towards the ceiling.
"Why do you trust me?" Nate said.
"Because you are very smart and you always do everything well and your heart beats really hard all of the time."
"What do you mean?"
"Your heart is very strong. It beats really well—Papa's heart feels slower. And Grandma's and Grandpapa's and Cecily's and Uncle David's. They all have heartbeats, but yours is better. Yours is like a drum, it always makes me feel safe to hear it like bump, bump, bump, bump. Now go to sleep, because if you don't get enough sleep you will be grouchy, like Oscar the Grouch." Bailey gave a final yawn, his mouth making a wide 'O'.
"Okay, Bay, I'm going to sleep now. I just wanted to tell you that you can always trust me. Kind of like we're on a team and I'm a really good team member who always catches the ball, or whatever." Nate knew that he could capture Bailey's attention with any kind of sports reference. He had learned more about the worlds of tennis, football, and basketball from Bailey than he ever had in gym class.
Nate moved Bailey's body slightly so that Bailey could snuggle into the mattress and create a comfortable groove. Bailey held out his hand and gripped Nate's thumb tightly. Nate looked at his son's peaceful face, the way it was growing more defined as he was growing up, the way that the light cast shadows over his caramel skin. He already had so many of what Nate thought of as Joshua's best qualities: he was strong and supportive—he already wanted to take control of situations and to make sure that everyone around him was doing okay.
As Nate watched the blanket rise and fall with his Bailey's breathing, he knew that he had made the right decision to have a child with Joshua. Even with this heartache, he wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Because the child next to him was perfect: gentle but determined, caring but heroic. Nate had spent such a long time thinking that fatherhood was a pleasure that he could not be afforded, that he would never be able to have children—that he would spend his whole life feeling like something was missing.
Sometimes Bailey looked so much like Joshua that it took Nate's breath away. He was a constant reminder of what he had lost, but he was also a reminder of the love that he had once felt. Nate had wanted to give Bailey a solid family unit so badly; he had promised himself that his child would feel loved and stable. It broke his heart that he couldn't give Bailey that stability, that there was nothing he could do to give him both parents back.
Nate closed his eyes and tried to imagine what the future would be like. What form it would take, where they would live, what they would do, how he would explain Joshua's absence to Bailey. But the image of his last night with Joshua kept lodging itself in his brain. He remembered the touch of his skin, the warm smell of him, and the safety Nate felt in their embrace. Nate shook his head as if he could somehow dislodge thoughts of the past. He knew that something was beginning to shift inside of him, that he was growing a little bit stronger, that he could show up for his son a little bit more. At the same time, he would still do anything in the world to speak to Joshua, to have him back, to have his family in one place.
He couldn't help but think about Cecily's journey, about how she brushed off the rubble of the past and dared to live a new life. He tried to take comfort from that, from knowing someone who had been in his position and came out the other side better and stronger. Nate squeezed his eyes shut and tried, once again, to conjure up an image of his
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