Read Online Uncovering You 9: Liberation by Scarlett Edwards - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Scarlett Edwards
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curious. “Enlighten me.”
“You have a superiority complex,” I say. “But it’s of a special sort because it’s actually fully justified. You are not one of those delusional fools who proclaim themselves to be the best and firmly believe it. You have objective, outside proof.”
He shrugs. “Any of my business partners could have told me that.”
“Yes, but they wouldn’t know where it comes from, Jeremy. They wouldn’t know the root cause.”
He leans toward me. “And you do?”
“I’m working on it,” I say. “I think it comes from a place of longing. I told you before that you need to be witnessed. That everything you do has to be larger than life so that you can be a spectacle.
“I take that back now. You don’t need to be witnessed. You need to be accepted. It started from your childhood. Your father disdained you. Your brothers didn’t do much better. Only your mother gave you love. But the love of a single parent cannot be enough, especially if countered by apathy and hate from the other.
“And so you put it in your mind that you had to prove yourself. Not just before your brothers and father, but before the whole world.
“In that, you succeeded. To use your term: spectacularly so. Yet even that wasn’t enough, was it? You still felt empty and hollow inside.”
Jeremy is starting to scowl. This is an uncomfortable topic for him. Am I cutting too close to the bone? Maybe.
I carry on in a rush:
“You said that’s what causes you to chase more wealth, when already you clearly have enough. You said it was money that drives you. That you can never have enough. That you always need to claim more in order to feel like you are moving forward. In order to feel that you are progressing with your life.
“But I don’t think that’s entirely true. In fact, I know it’s not. Somewhere, locked in some place deep inside, I think you know that, too.”
“Enough, Lilly,” he says. “I don’t want you perpetuating these things. They are not true. But you will make them seem such in your mind if you deliberate on them for longer.”
“And they frighten you!” I cut in over him. I know I’m pushing my luck now. But I cannot stop. This is going to end in either a glorious disaster or a wondrous success. “They frighten you because you cannot control them, Jeremy. You can’t cast them out of your mind like you do with all else. They defy control. And things that you cannot control, in your own head, in the most private of oases , make you feel scared.”
Jeremy slams his hand on the table, making the dishware jump. “I said, enough !” he snarls at me.
“I have a point,” I say, refusing to back down now that I’ve come so far. “Will you let me make it?”
He hesitates. I’ve got him hooked. I’ve made him curious.
Finally, he gives a stiff nod.
“But,” he cuts me off before I start to speak, and raises one finger. “But, Lilly, know that you are entering dangerous waters. I’m warning you.”
“I know,” I say. “Just listen. My point is this: Those feelings of inadequacy, of self-doubt? No matter how small you’ve made them, no matter how much you’ve luxuriated in external success, they will never go away. You cannot crush them. You cannot cast them aside. Those feelings were developed in your formative years—when you were just a child. They cut to the very soul of you and define everything that you do. And I hate to say this, Jeremy, but they will stay there forever. You cannot change the impression of the world, nor your place in it, that formed when you were a child. It takes until the age of seven for children to develop their own, completely independent self-consciousness. Before then, all that they know is defined by their mother and father—or whoever it is that raises them.”
“And you’re stating that as truth?” Jeremy wonders. “You think such a simple explanation can define everything that I have inside of me?” He leans closer. “You
“You have a superiority complex,” I say. “But it’s of a special sort because it’s actually fully justified. You are not one of those delusional fools who proclaim themselves to be the best and firmly believe it. You have objective, outside proof.”
He shrugs. “Any of my business partners could have told me that.”
“Yes, but they wouldn’t know where it comes from, Jeremy. They wouldn’t know the root cause.”
He leans toward me. “And you do?”
“I’m working on it,” I say. “I think it comes from a place of longing. I told you before that you need to be witnessed. That everything you do has to be larger than life so that you can be a spectacle.
“I take that back now. You don’t need to be witnessed. You need to be accepted. It started from your childhood. Your father disdained you. Your brothers didn’t do much better. Only your mother gave you love. But the love of a single parent cannot be enough, especially if countered by apathy and hate from the other.
“And so you put it in your mind that you had to prove yourself. Not just before your brothers and father, but before the whole world.
“In that, you succeeded. To use your term: spectacularly so. Yet even that wasn’t enough, was it? You still felt empty and hollow inside.”
Jeremy is starting to scowl. This is an uncomfortable topic for him. Am I cutting too close to the bone? Maybe.
I carry on in a rush:
“You said that’s what causes you to chase more wealth, when already you clearly have enough. You said it was money that drives you. That you can never have enough. That you always need to claim more in order to feel like you are moving forward. In order to feel that you are progressing with your life.
“But I don’t think that’s entirely true. In fact, I know it’s not. Somewhere, locked in some place deep inside, I think you know that, too.”
“Enough, Lilly,” he says. “I don’t want you perpetuating these things. They are not true. But you will make them seem such in your mind if you deliberate on them for longer.”
“And they frighten you!” I cut in over him. I know I’m pushing my luck now. But I cannot stop. This is going to end in either a glorious disaster or a wondrous success. “They frighten you because you cannot control them, Jeremy. You can’t cast them out of your mind like you do with all else. They defy control. And things that you cannot control, in your own head, in the most private of oases , make you feel scared.”
Jeremy slams his hand on the table, making the dishware jump. “I said, enough !” he snarls at me.
“I have a point,” I say, refusing to back down now that I’ve come so far. “Will you let me make it?”
He hesitates. I’ve got him hooked. I’ve made him curious.
Finally, he gives a stiff nod.
“But,” he cuts me off before I start to speak, and raises one finger. “But, Lilly, know that you are entering dangerous waters. I’m warning you.”
“I know,” I say. “Just listen. My point is this: Those feelings of inadequacy, of self-doubt? No matter how small you’ve made them, no matter how much you’ve luxuriated in external success, they will never go away. You cannot crush them. You cannot cast them aside. Those feelings were developed in your formative years—when you were just a child. They cut to the very soul of you and define everything that you do. And I hate to say this, Jeremy, but they will stay there forever. You cannot change the impression of the world, nor your place in it, that formed when you were a child. It takes until the age of seven for children to develop their own, completely independent self-consciousness. Before then, all that they know is defined by their mother and father—or whoever it is that raises them.”
“And you’re stating that as truth?” Jeremy wonders. “You think such a simple explanation can define everything that I have inside of me?” He leans closer. “You
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