Read Online Twinkle, Twinkle, "Killer" Kane by William Peter Blatty - Free Book Online

Cutshaw stared again at the ceiling and began to speak rapidly, barely pausing for breath. “When I was a kid I used to play horseshoes … Horseshoes are like life. I don’t know exactly how, but I feel certain there’s a connection. Had lots of friends who played horseshoes, but mostly they tortured caterpillars. Cut them up and burned them. Also cut the tails off dogs. Know why they did it? Because they were bastards. Yeah. And, Hud, they grow up to be bastards. That sheriff in Alabama who clubbed a lady demonstrator while two of his buddies held her down? Lynch mobs? Eichmanns? The ghouls who gather at accidents? who slow their bloody cars down on a freeway to see the wreck? Same ——— bastards, Hud; they just grew up; that’s all. Show me a kid who kills caterpillars, and I’ll show you a son-of-a-bitch. Let some kid put a hand on my mouse and I promise I’d castrate him instanter and save the world from more of him. Hud, I trust you approve. I dearly crave approval. I dearly need approval. I would rather have approval than a jelly roll with yoghurt. Now my father, Captain Groper, hell, he’s steeped in the blood of caterpillars. Notice he never takes showers? No, you only just got here. But you’ll notice, Hud, you’ll notice. He never takes a shower; we’d see the green all over his legs. Not a pretty sight, love, not a pretty sight at all. Hud, I’d rather be dead than green! But he’s my father; what can I do? Get up a petition with ten thousand signatures and have him deported to Argentina? What can you do with the useless bastard! Hud, once he reviewed a stag film and said that it was ‘dull.’ Then after all the commotion started he actually looked at the films. It destroyed him, Hud, destroyed him. That’s what made him join the Air Force. He was a major once, you know. Yeah—Major Groper. Then he happened to say ‘brouhaha’ in front of a brigadier general and they busted him back to captain. Ah, enough of this maudlin chatter, Hud. And stay awake, you monster, I’m not spilling my guts for laughs! ”
    “I’m awake.”
    “You were nodding, Catherine Earnshaw!”
    “I assure you,” said Kane, “I was not.”
    “You are determined to start an argument! But as usual I’ll give ground. I’ll accept your sniveling perjury. Hud, what’s happened to Scarlett O’Hara? What has happened to gracious living? Tell me, what do you think of asps?”
    “Asps?”
    “You are absolutely incapable of giving a straight answer!”
    Kane blinked. “I didn’t follow the question.”
    “You couldn’t even follow the spoor of the Incredible Colossal Man. How do you get to the bathroom, Hud? How do you ever find it! Your uniform looks clean but I doubt some foul play.” Cutshaw produced a lollypop and began to lick at it noisily.
    “Earlier,” said Kane, “you came to my door and asked a question. You said, ‘Why do animals suffer?’”
    “Yes.”
    “Cutshaw, what did you mean?”
    “What did I say? ”
    “You said, ‘Why do animals suffer?’”
    “Then that’s what I meant, you blazing ass! What do colonels get a month, Hud? I’m writing a letter to Congress!”
    “Cutshaw, why did you ask the question?”
    “Impertinent, saucy bastard. I asked you what colonels got. Now don’t play Socrates with Cutshaw, friend! Whose therapy is this?”
    “Certainly not mine.”
    “Do you believe in God?”
    “Yes.”
    “What kind of a Catholic are you? ”
    Kane raised an eyebrow. “I’m confused,” he said.
    “Ah! The beginning of wisdom!”
    “Are you a Catholic?”
    “Never mind that, you oaf! Ask me about my obsessions!”
    “Will you answer?”
    “Yes. I will.”
    “Very well,” said Colonel Kane. “What are your obsessions?”
    “Well, frankly, I hate feet.”
    “The way they smell?”
    “The way they look. Hud, I cannot stand the sight of them!”
    “Does that include your own?” asked Kane.
    “ Especially my own! How could a wise and beautiful God give us ugly