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Authors: Willow Madison
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throw modern feminism and equal rights crap in my face to know that Lucy isn’t like any other girl.
She understands that she needs my guidance. My devotion to making her the best wife she can be. She gets that all of my rules, demands, punishments are meant to help her, to help us. To be happy.
So why does she still resist? Why is she still struggling? Why did she run to Jake?!
Jake. Fuck! I don’t want to think about him. Her. Them.
Holding her last night, trying to sleep, then giving up. I almost thought about not punishing her…well, punishing her only lightly anyway. I thought it might be easier on us both.
I know that allowing myself to express the amount of anger I felt yesterday…that it’s dangerous. For her and me. I didn’t picture just using a belt on her. Using the buckle. I’ve never done that. Ron never even used it on us. Maybe on Mom…I’ll have to ask him.
But before I could stop myself, I pictured hitting her too. Really hitting her. Punching her face, breaking open her cheek, her lips. I pictured choking her hard enough to leave my fingerprints on her pretty neck. I pictured breaking her beautiful nose, so she’d always have a reminder of what would happen if she ever did anything like this again. I pictured letting myself be out of control.
She lied to me. Threw her phone away to hide from me. Ran off to be with my brother. Talked back. Argued. Disobeyed almost every rule.
No wonder I’m so angry. But…but I’m worried. I don’t want to lose control of myself. I can’t. It’s a promise I’ve made to myself.
I know I’m a monster. I’ve come to terms with this. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I only care about Lucy. About her obeying and submitting to me.
If I let myself the freedom to really punish her…how I know she deserves to be punished for everything she’s done…I don’t think I can…I know I can’t. I made a promise to her too. I’ll always keep my promises to her. To myself.
But how do I punish her then? How do I hurt her only a little for all of this?!
Maybe I just need a little more time…to calm down more…maybe that will help.
I look at my watch. I better get her awake. I made an appointment for her online, we need to get going.
I smile. Another reason to wait to punish her. She may be carrying my child…I wouldn’t want anything to risk that.
Chapter 16 HER
I hear Max get up. I stay quiet in bed, waiting for the front door to close behind him. I don’t know how long I have, but I breathe a little easier being alone.
I roll over. 5:20 a.m. I hesitate for only a second. I may not have another chance today. I move over to Max’s side of the bed. To the phone.
It takes too many heartbeats for him to pick up, his voice sluggish with sleep…maybe alcohol. “Hello?”
“Jake? I’m sorry to call so early…” I whisper even though I know Max is gone.
“Lucy? Are you ok?” He sounds wide awake now.
“I…I am. For now anyway.” I try not to think about what Max said last night. “I…wanted to tell you that I made a decision. You told me to make up my mind…and I…I think I have.”
“Overnight? Just like that?”
Not what I was expecting from him. I thought he’d be supportive, not sarcastic and angry. “Yes. Just like that.” I try for strong, but I can hear how petulant I sound even to me. I go back to whispering, “I don’t have long to talk…I think he went for a run, but I don’t know how long before he’ll be back.”
“Did he hurt you last night?” His dark, deep voice. So protective, so angry. So like Max’s I want to cry hearing it.
I don’t want to tell him about what Max did. “No…I’m okay…” I swallow loudly. “I know he’ll never change...what he was saying last night…I’m scared. I mean…more scared than I’ve ever been of him, Jake! I need to get somewhere safe…to get away from him!”
I hear him breathe out heavily. It seems to take him forever to answer me. “What you’re
She understands that she needs my guidance. My devotion to making her the best wife she can be. She gets that all of my rules, demands, punishments are meant to help her, to help us. To be happy.
So why does she still resist? Why is she still struggling? Why did she run to Jake?!
Jake. Fuck! I don’t want to think about him. Her. Them.
Holding her last night, trying to sleep, then giving up. I almost thought about not punishing her…well, punishing her only lightly anyway. I thought it might be easier on us both.
I know that allowing myself to express the amount of anger I felt yesterday…that it’s dangerous. For her and me. I didn’t picture just using a belt on her. Using the buckle. I’ve never done that. Ron never even used it on us. Maybe on Mom…I’ll have to ask him.
But before I could stop myself, I pictured hitting her too. Really hitting her. Punching her face, breaking open her cheek, her lips. I pictured choking her hard enough to leave my fingerprints on her pretty neck. I pictured breaking her beautiful nose, so she’d always have a reminder of what would happen if she ever did anything like this again. I pictured letting myself be out of control.
She lied to me. Threw her phone away to hide from me. Ran off to be with my brother. Talked back. Argued. Disobeyed almost every rule.
No wonder I’m so angry. But…but I’m worried. I don’t want to lose control of myself. I can’t. It’s a promise I’ve made to myself.
I know I’m a monster. I’ve come to terms with this. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I only care about Lucy. About her obeying and submitting to me.
If I let myself the freedom to really punish her…how I know she deserves to be punished for everything she’s done…I don’t think I can…I know I can’t. I made a promise to her too. I’ll always keep my promises to her. To myself.
But how do I punish her then? How do I hurt her only a little for all of this?!
Maybe I just need a little more time…to calm down more…maybe that will help.
I look at my watch. I better get her awake. I made an appointment for her online, we need to get going.
I smile. Another reason to wait to punish her. She may be carrying my child…I wouldn’t want anything to risk that.
Chapter 16 HER
I hear Max get up. I stay quiet in bed, waiting for the front door to close behind him. I don’t know how long I have, but I breathe a little easier being alone.
I roll over. 5:20 a.m. I hesitate for only a second. I may not have another chance today. I move over to Max’s side of the bed. To the phone.
It takes too many heartbeats for him to pick up, his voice sluggish with sleep…maybe alcohol. “Hello?”
“Jake? I’m sorry to call so early…” I whisper even though I know Max is gone.
“Lucy? Are you ok?” He sounds wide awake now.
“I…I am. For now anyway.” I try not to think about what Max said last night. “I…wanted to tell you that I made a decision. You told me to make up my mind…and I…I think I have.”
“Overnight? Just like that?”
Not what I was expecting from him. I thought he’d be supportive, not sarcastic and angry. “Yes. Just like that.” I try for strong, but I can hear how petulant I sound even to me. I go back to whispering, “I don’t have long to talk…I think he went for a run, but I don’t know how long before he’ll be back.”
“Did he hurt you last night?” His dark, deep voice. So protective, so angry. So like Max’s I want to cry hearing it.
I don’t want to tell him about what Max did. “No…I’m okay…” I swallow loudly. “I know he’ll never change...what he was saying last night…I’m scared. I mean…more scared than I’ve ever been of him, Jake! I need to get somewhere safe…to get away from him!”
I hear him breathe out heavily. It seems to take him forever to answer me. “What you’re
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