confidence, and eventually
the fear that you wouldn’t be able to regain control added its own pressure.
Marines, especially veterans like Harden, didn’t like to talk about this kind
of thing, so if he was coming to me it was probably bad.
“Sam, you’re one of the guys who pulled me through when I
got here. You’ve done it for other guys too…I’ve seen it.” I was trying to
sound upbeat and supportive, but I really had no idea what to say. I was so
green I barely knew how I kept myself together. “This place gets to everybody
sooner or later. Don’t let it eat away at you. When it’s important, you’ll be
ready. There’s no one here I’d rather have backing me up.”
He sat quietly for a minute then he turned and looked at
me. “Four partners. Four partners I’ve lost here.” He looked down at his
feet.
“Sam, that has nothing to do with you. We’re in a dangerous
business.” I frowned, though of course he couldn’t see that in armor. The
next time I heard that jinx bullshit being joked about I was going to have a
talk with whoever started it. “Not one of them got hit because of anything you
did.”
“I know you’re right.” His voice was really unsteady. “But
still, I should have been able to do something, kept them safer somehow.”
He really sounded like shit. I was in way over my head. My
first thought was, he shouldn’t be in battle right now. But what should I do?
I wanted to run to the lieutenant and tell him about this, or at least the
squad leader. It was the hardest situation I’d run into since I’d been in the
Corps. Harden had come to me in confidence. He’d be furious if I ratted him
out. It felt wrong. But letting him go back to the line in his current
condition didn’t seem any better. I talked to him a while longer, trying to
make him feel better, all the while trying to decide what to do.
In the end, I got up and walked away and kept my mouth
shut. It was a mistake I have regretted the rest of my life. We were about to
get called back to the lines, and Harden would be dead in two hours, him and
Quincy both. I was never sure exactly what happened; I think he got rattled
and decided to move the SAW, and they ended up exposed and were chopped up by
enemy fire. By the time I got over there they were both dead, riddled by half
a dozen rounds each. They’d had a good position; if they’d stayed put they
probably would have been fine.
Things were hot on the line when they got hit, so I didn’t
have time for grief or guilt. But a few hours later the situation calmed down
for a while and I just sat on the ground in shock. My stomach clenched, and I
wretched, though there wasn’t much in my stomach to come up but a little foam.
My suit’s systems tried to clean up inside my helmet, doing a fairly reasonable
job.
It was my fault; I knew it was my fault. I didn’t want to
betray Harden’s confidence…I wanted to be a good friend. So I didn’t tell
anybody he was too unnerved to go back into the line. I didn’t do anything.
Harden died thinking of me as a friend, but I failed him
when he needed me. We were more than friends; we were comrades in arms. I
owed him more than he got from me. He was my brother, and I didn’t have his
back. He thought I did, and I thought so too, but that was superficial. I
could have saved his life, but I didn’t. A live Harden who hated me the rest
of his life would have been a thousand times better than a dead friend.
I never forgot the lesson I learned that day.
Chapter 9
2252 AD
McCraw’s Ridge
Central Sector – “The Cauldron”
Day Three
Delta Trianguli I
We were in the middle of the third day of the biggest battle
ever fought on Tombstone. Our estimates of enemy strength on the planet turned
out to be wildly inaccurate. My distrust of intelligence services, which would
continue to increase at an exponential rate over the years,
the fear that you wouldn’t be able to regain control added its own pressure.
Marines, especially veterans like Harden, didn’t like to talk about this kind
of thing, so if he was coming to me it was probably bad.
“Sam, you’re one of the guys who pulled me through when I
got here. You’ve done it for other guys too…I’ve seen it.” I was trying to
sound upbeat and supportive, but I really had no idea what to say. I was so
green I barely knew how I kept myself together. “This place gets to everybody
sooner or later. Don’t let it eat away at you. When it’s important, you’ll be
ready. There’s no one here I’d rather have backing me up.”
He sat quietly for a minute then he turned and looked at
me. “Four partners. Four partners I’ve lost here.” He looked down at his
feet.
“Sam, that has nothing to do with you. We’re in a dangerous
business.” I frowned, though of course he couldn’t see that in armor. The
next time I heard that jinx bullshit being joked about I was going to have a
talk with whoever started it. “Not one of them got hit because of anything you
did.”
“I know you’re right.” His voice was really unsteady. “But
still, I should have been able to do something, kept them safer somehow.”
He really sounded like shit. I was in way over my head. My
first thought was, he shouldn’t be in battle right now. But what should I do?
I wanted to run to the lieutenant and tell him about this, or at least the
squad leader. It was the hardest situation I’d run into since I’d been in the
Corps. Harden had come to me in confidence. He’d be furious if I ratted him
out. It felt wrong. But letting him go back to the line in his current
condition didn’t seem any better. I talked to him a while longer, trying to
make him feel better, all the while trying to decide what to do.
In the end, I got up and walked away and kept my mouth
shut. It was a mistake I have regretted the rest of my life. We were about to
get called back to the lines, and Harden would be dead in two hours, him and
Quincy both. I was never sure exactly what happened; I think he got rattled
and decided to move the SAW, and they ended up exposed and were chopped up by
enemy fire. By the time I got over there they were both dead, riddled by half
a dozen rounds each. They’d had a good position; if they’d stayed put they
probably would have been fine.
Things were hot on the line when they got hit, so I didn’t
have time for grief or guilt. But a few hours later the situation calmed down
for a while and I just sat on the ground in shock. My stomach clenched, and I
wretched, though there wasn’t much in my stomach to come up but a little foam.
My suit’s systems tried to clean up inside my helmet, doing a fairly reasonable
job.
It was my fault; I knew it was my fault. I didn’t want to
betray Harden’s confidence…I wanted to be a good friend. So I didn’t tell
anybody he was too unnerved to go back into the line. I didn’t do anything.
Harden died thinking of me as a friend, but I failed him
when he needed me. We were more than friends; we were comrades in arms. I
owed him more than he got from me. He was my brother, and I didn’t have his
back. He thought I did, and I thought so too, but that was superficial. I
could have saved his life, but I didn’t. A live Harden who hated me the rest
of his life would have been a thousand times better than a dead friend.
I never forgot the lesson I learned that day.
Chapter 9
2252 AD
McCraw’s Ridge
Central Sector – “The Cauldron”
Day Three
Delta Trianguli I
We were in the middle of the third day of the biggest battle
ever fought on Tombstone. Our estimates of enemy strength on the planet turned
out to be wildly inaccurate. My distrust of intelligence services, which would
continue to increase at an exponential rate over the years,
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