I never saw any of this. I wonder if Otter knew. I remind myself to threaten to withhold sex from him until he tells me.
“I am academically inclined, as you can see from my test scores,” the Kid says, reaching down to his “Genius” folder and taking out copies of his report cards and passing them out among the three who are currently staring at him raptly. I should have realized it wouldn’t have taken much for them to fall under Ty’s spell. He’s a charismatic Kid, that’s for damn sure. They murmur their thanks as they take the papers from him, studying them closely, as if they’ve never seen such things before, as if they haven’t already known what his report cards look like.
“Now,” the Kid continues, his voice stronger, more sure, “before I get into the meat of my presentation, which, by the way, is the only time meat is acceptable, I would like to show that I have a wide variety of interests outside of academics. I would like to read you a poem I wrote.”
Oh fuck. Oh no.
Otter starts to lose it next to me. He’s quiet, but I can feel his hand shaking on top of mine. This is going to be a nightmare.
The Kid picks up another piece of paper from his folder and removes the second sheet from the metal stand. The next paper says, A CONTEMPORARY POEM BY TYSON MCKENNA ENTITLED “WHY I SHOULD SKIP A YEAR (ODE TO EINSTEIN AND MY ANIMAL FRIENDS).”
He takes a deep breath, and I wonder if I should try and stop him before he speaks, but I’m too late. All I can do is sit back and let the Kid perform his poetic epic. And from the sound of it, he’s found out how to access the thesaurus on the computer. He’s going to be unstoppable.
To the faculty of Seafare Elementary
I’m here to impress upon your will!
I consider myself to be cognoscenti
(that means a person with a high degree of skill).
I say this not to brag, because that would be really lame (even though it sort of is kind of true).
Nor am I here for eternal glory or fame.
I just want to talk to you!
People often ask why I am a vegetarian, and I’m honest when I look them in the eye; I say, “Well, why are you such a barbarian? Putting those animals in your mouth to die?”
They’ll look at me funny, and will sometimes start to stutter, but I’ll continue on, not to be deterred,
saying, “I can’t believe you’d use that mouth to kiss your mother,” as they start to choke on what is undoubtedly some endangered aquatic bird.
People can’t believe that I’m actually only nine.
“Kids don’t talk like that,” they say, “no matter how mature they be!” Really? You don’t think so? That’s okay. That’s fine.
It’s not my fault the most syllables in a word you use is three. But I think I deserve a chance to show you exactly what I can do. After all, in school Einstein barely got passing grades.
And if he can be considered the father of modern physics through and through,
Then I think there’s a chance I’ve got this made in the shade.
I’m not saying this to sound cocky, that’s not my intent at all. I’m merely trying to stress a little point.
So I’m hoping that coming up here in the fall,
You’ll let me skip ahead a grade in this here joint.
In conclusion, where things inevitably come to an end, I am happy you’ve let me have my say.
As I hope it will be in my ability to tend
to grow smarter with each passing day.
Oh, and one more thing, in case my subtlety confounds: don’t eat meat. I mean, really, why would you? There are plenty of plants around.
Take a chance! Try something new!
I promise it’ll make your life profound!
I
AMBIC pentameter, meet wood chipper. Wood chipper, iambic pentameter. He stops and looks up nervously.
Motherfucker, I’ve got tears in my eyes.
Otter and me begin to clap at the same time, the two of us creating such thunderous applause that it sounds deafening in the tiny office. The Kid looks startled by the noise, but only for a moment. He looks over at us, and I see the
“I am academically inclined, as you can see from my test scores,” the Kid says, reaching down to his “Genius” folder and taking out copies of his report cards and passing them out among the three who are currently staring at him raptly. I should have realized it wouldn’t have taken much for them to fall under Ty’s spell. He’s a charismatic Kid, that’s for damn sure. They murmur their thanks as they take the papers from him, studying them closely, as if they’ve never seen such things before, as if they haven’t already known what his report cards look like.
“Now,” the Kid continues, his voice stronger, more sure, “before I get into the meat of my presentation, which, by the way, is the only time meat is acceptable, I would like to show that I have a wide variety of interests outside of academics. I would like to read you a poem I wrote.”
Oh fuck. Oh no.
Otter starts to lose it next to me. He’s quiet, but I can feel his hand shaking on top of mine. This is going to be a nightmare.
The Kid picks up another piece of paper from his folder and removes the second sheet from the metal stand. The next paper says, A CONTEMPORARY POEM BY TYSON MCKENNA ENTITLED “WHY I SHOULD SKIP A YEAR (ODE TO EINSTEIN AND MY ANIMAL FRIENDS).”
He takes a deep breath, and I wonder if I should try and stop him before he speaks, but I’m too late. All I can do is sit back and let the Kid perform his poetic epic. And from the sound of it, he’s found out how to access the thesaurus on the computer. He’s going to be unstoppable.
To the faculty of Seafare Elementary
I’m here to impress upon your will!
I consider myself to be cognoscenti
(that means a person with a high degree of skill).
I say this not to brag, because that would be really lame (even though it sort of is kind of true).
Nor am I here for eternal glory or fame.
I just want to talk to you!
People often ask why I am a vegetarian, and I’m honest when I look them in the eye; I say, “Well, why are you such a barbarian? Putting those animals in your mouth to die?”
They’ll look at me funny, and will sometimes start to stutter, but I’ll continue on, not to be deterred,
saying, “I can’t believe you’d use that mouth to kiss your mother,” as they start to choke on what is undoubtedly some endangered aquatic bird.
People can’t believe that I’m actually only nine.
“Kids don’t talk like that,” they say, “no matter how mature they be!” Really? You don’t think so? That’s okay. That’s fine.
It’s not my fault the most syllables in a word you use is three. But I think I deserve a chance to show you exactly what I can do. After all, in school Einstein barely got passing grades.
And if he can be considered the father of modern physics through and through,
Then I think there’s a chance I’ve got this made in the shade.
I’m not saying this to sound cocky, that’s not my intent at all. I’m merely trying to stress a little point.
So I’m hoping that coming up here in the fall,
You’ll let me skip ahead a grade in this here joint.
In conclusion, where things inevitably come to an end, I am happy you’ve let me have my say.
As I hope it will be in my ability to tend
to grow smarter with each passing day.
Oh, and one more thing, in case my subtlety confounds: don’t eat meat. I mean, really, why would you? There are plenty of plants around.
Take a chance! Try something new!
I promise it’ll make your life profound!
I
AMBIC pentameter, meet wood chipper. Wood chipper, iambic pentameter. He stops and looks up nervously.
Motherfucker, I’ve got tears in my eyes.
Otter and me begin to clap at the same time, the two of us creating such thunderous applause that it sounds deafening in the tiny office. The Kid looks startled by the noise, but only for a moment. He looks over at us, and I see the
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