Read Online The Witch's Brew: A Collection of Hilarious Short Stories Starring the Wicked Witch of the West by Darrin Mason - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Darrin Mason
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Em and feasted on their flesh. Uncle Henry survived for no other reason than he pretended to be a zombie too. Then the zombies left in search of more flesh to eat and Uncle Henry sat in front of the TV, opened a beer, and watched a game of football. And that, my friends, is what it’s all about.
THE END
-------------
THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST
BACK OVER THE RAINBOW
CHAPTER ONE
T he Wicked Witch aimed her broom at the rainbow and took off. She approached it with plenty of room to spare and was about to go over it when Apollo 13 came hurtling through space and crashed into her, knocking her off her broom which snapped in half and causing grave danger to the rocket. The astronauts on board the craft radioed Mission Control. “Houston, we have a problem.” As the Wicked Witch fell back toward Earth, she thought, Fuck , they think they’ve got a problem .
Meanwhile, a brown cow was on the ground below stretching its muscles in readiness for its latest attempt to jump the moon. It heard something whizzing through the air and looked up. There was the Wicked Witch, freefalling toward her. “Oh crap,” the cow said.
The Wicked Witch looked down at the cow. “Oh dear God,” she said. “It’s Bovine Derek. AAAAGGHH!!”
The cow tried to run but it wasn’t fast enough. The Wicked Witch landed right on top of her.
SPLAT!!
The cow was flattened like a pancake and the little dog laughed to see such fun. Meanwhile, the cat diddled the fiddle and the dish ran away with the spoon. The Wicked Witch oohed and ahhhed with pain then climbed slowly to her feet. She looked down at the cow which was dead. Now, when someone asks that long unanswered question, how now brown cow, well, now you know.
The Wicked Witch looked around for a way to get back over the rainbow. To her left was a pogo stick. Over there to her right was a trampoline. She looked at the cow that was dead and shook her head.
BANG!!
The Wicked Witch ducked and turned to see where the noise had come from. About a hundred yards away, a black sheep stood over the body of a little boy and it was holding a gun. The Wicked Witch went softly toward it, watching as it began burying the little boy’s body. She saw that the sheep was dressed in the leathers of the infamous Bandido bikie gang. She went to it and tapped it on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, Mister Baa Baa Bandido Bikie,” the Wicked Witch said. “Have you any drugs?”
The sheep spun around. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a bag full of marijuana. “I did have three. One for the master, one for the dame, and one for the little boy who lived down the lane.” The sheep looked down at the little boy’s body. “They all paid the correct price except this one.”
“Can I have it, please?” the Wicked Witch asked.
The sheep looked up at her. “Hundred dollars.”
The Wicked Witch reached into her pocket and pulled out a hundred dollar note. She handed it to the sheep and the sheep handed her the bag of marijuana. She pulled some out and rolled herself a joint. She lit it and puffed away. All of a sudden she was floating in the air and heading for the rainbow once more. She looked down at the Baa Baa Bandido Bikie that was once again burying the little boy’s body and smiled. The joint had done its job, she was getting high, and soon she would be back where she belonged - over the rainbow.
She reached the clouds in the sky and heard a rumbling from within. “Thunder?” she wondered. No. It was a 747 Jumbo Jet and it was headed straight for her. “Ahhh, shit,” she said.
Just then Sooperdooperpooperman came out of nowhere and snatched her from the path of the oncoming jet. He smiled. “I understand you wanna go back over the rainbow?”
The Wicked Witch smiled back. She wrapped her arms tight around his shoulders. “Oh yes please. Will you take me there?”
Sooperdooperpooperman nodded his head. “Of course. Let’s go.”
They aimed up, and headed for the
THE END
-------------
THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST
BACK OVER THE RAINBOW
CHAPTER ONE
T he Wicked Witch aimed her broom at the rainbow and took off. She approached it with plenty of room to spare and was about to go over it when Apollo 13 came hurtling through space and crashed into her, knocking her off her broom which snapped in half and causing grave danger to the rocket. The astronauts on board the craft radioed Mission Control. “Houston, we have a problem.” As the Wicked Witch fell back toward Earth, she thought, Fuck , they think they’ve got a problem .
Meanwhile, a brown cow was on the ground below stretching its muscles in readiness for its latest attempt to jump the moon. It heard something whizzing through the air and looked up. There was the Wicked Witch, freefalling toward her. “Oh crap,” the cow said.
The Wicked Witch looked down at the cow. “Oh dear God,” she said. “It’s Bovine Derek. AAAAGGHH!!”
The cow tried to run but it wasn’t fast enough. The Wicked Witch landed right on top of her.
SPLAT!!
The cow was flattened like a pancake and the little dog laughed to see such fun. Meanwhile, the cat diddled the fiddle and the dish ran away with the spoon. The Wicked Witch oohed and ahhhed with pain then climbed slowly to her feet. She looked down at the cow which was dead. Now, when someone asks that long unanswered question, how now brown cow, well, now you know.
The Wicked Witch looked around for a way to get back over the rainbow. To her left was a pogo stick. Over there to her right was a trampoline. She looked at the cow that was dead and shook her head.
BANG!!
The Wicked Witch ducked and turned to see where the noise had come from. About a hundred yards away, a black sheep stood over the body of a little boy and it was holding a gun. The Wicked Witch went softly toward it, watching as it began burying the little boy’s body. She saw that the sheep was dressed in the leathers of the infamous Bandido bikie gang. She went to it and tapped it on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, Mister Baa Baa Bandido Bikie,” the Wicked Witch said. “Have you any drugs?”
The sheep spun around. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a bag full of marijuana. “I did have three. One for the master, one for the dame, and one for the little boy who lived down the lane.” The sheep looked down at the little boy’s body. “They all paid the correct price except this one.”
“Can I have it, please?” the Wicked Witch asked.
The sheep looked up at her. “Hundred dollars.”
The Wicked Witch reached into her pocket and pulled out a hundred dollar note. She handed it to the sheep and the sheep handed her the bag of marijuana. She pulled some out and rolled herself a joint. She lit it and puffed away. All of a sudden she was floating in the air and heading for the rainbow once more. She looked down at the Baa Baa Bandido Bikie that was once again burying the little boy’s body and smiled. The joint had done its job, she was getting high, and soon she would be back where she belonged - over the rainbow.
She reached the clouds in the sky and heard a rumbling from within. “Thunder?” she wondered. No. It was a 747 Jumbo Jet and it was headed straight for her. “Ahhh, shit,” she said.
Just then Sooperdooperpooperman came out of nowhere and snatched her from the path of the oncoming jet. He smiled. “I understand you wanna go back over the rainbow?”
The Wicked Witch smiled back. She wrapped her arms tight around his shoulders. “Oh yes please. Will you take me there?”
Sooperdooperpooperman nodded his head. “Of course. Let’s go.”
They aimed up, and headed for the
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