Read Online The Witch's Brew: A Collection of Hilarious Short Stories Starring the Wicked Witch of the West by Darrin Mason - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Darrin Mason
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was terrible.
The Wicked Witch held her nose. “Awww me God, Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man. Really?”
Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls did his best to ignore the smell but it was so bad it was just too hard to ignore for very long at all. He dry-reached then turned and ran out of the house where there might be bullets in the butt that might also be bullets in other parts of the body, but at least the air was fresh. What he wasn’t anticipating though was the flying egg that moments later crashed into him, killing him instantly. The director called out, “Cut. Holy fucking crap. Can we please cut?”
The egg cracked open and a man in a red jumpsuit with a silver triangle on his chest climbed out.
The director called out. “Who in God’s name are you meant to be?”
The man in the red jumpsuit with a silver triangle on his chest smiled. “Morkus, from Orkus.”
The director smacked the palm of his hand against his forehead. “Holy shit, mister. Do you realize you just killed one of my stars?”
Morkus from Orkus looked down at Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls and wondered why he didn’t watch out. The police came and took Morkus away and he is now serving a life sentence for dangerous driving occasioning death.
Meanwhile, inside the Stevens’ house, the Wicked Witch had clamped a Peggy Bundy’s Pair of Undies on her nose so she wouldn’t be able to smell Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man who not only had a bat and two balls between his legs but now had the entire team in his pants.
Dorothy watched all this and decided that she really wanted to go home. Glinda the Good Witch of the North entered the house by way of the lounge window which wasn’t so good because she broke it to get in even though the front door was wide open. Silly woman. She went over to Dorothy and said, “Child, you’ve always had the power to go home.”
Dorothy gave her a startled look. “Really?” She looked around the cage. “Where is it?”
Glinda smiled. “It’s within you, child. All you need to do is say three times, ‘There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.’”
“There’s no place like home,” Dorothy said. “There’s no place like home.” She closed her eyes and when she opened them she found herself in the middle of Old Trafford. “Hmmm,” she said as the ball passed her by on its way to the goal. “This isn’t like home at all.”
The referee blew his whistle for fulltime and Dorothy closed her eyes again. When she opened them she found herself in medieval England.
Sir Lance A Boil stopped riding his horse and looked down at her from high in the air. “You’re still not home, m’lady. But I can help you get there. Just climb upon my wild steed, and together we’ll ride.”
Dorothy turned to the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion. “My goodness I’ll miss you all. Take care, my friends.” She hugged them one by one and was about to climb on board Sir Lance A Boil’s steed when Black Beauty went running by. Sir Lance A Boil’s steed took off after her and when he caught her he mounted her from behind and began giving it to her. The Scarecrow looked at Dorothy. “I guess you’ll have to stay here.”
The Cowardly Lion smiled. “Yes, we’ll look after you.”
The Tin Man slipped his hand up the back of Dorothy’s dress. “Yes, we’ll look after you.”
Dorothy thought about it for a moment. She had seen it all and now her time had come. She looked down at the Tin Man’s penis. Judging by the trail of semen dripping off the end of it, her time wasn’t the only thing that had come. She closed her eyes again and when she opened them she saw her Aunty Em sitting in front of her. She reached up and threw her arms over her auntie’s shoulders. “Oh Auntie Em. There’s no place like home.”
All of a sudden a group of zombies entered the house. They attacked Dorothy and her Auntie
The Wicked Witch held her nose. “Awww me God, Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man. Really?”
Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls did his best to ignore the smell but it was so bad it was just too hard to ignore for very long at all. He dry-reached then turned and ran out of the house where there might be bullets in the butt that might also be bullets in other parts of the body, but at least the air was fresh. What he wasn’t anticipating though was the flying egg that moments later crashed into him, killing him instantly. The director called out, “Cut. Holy fucking crap. Can we please cut?”
The egg cracked open and a man in a red jumpsuit with a silver triangle on his chest climbed out.
The director called out. “Who in God’s name are you meant to be?”
The man in the red jumpsuit with a silver triangle on his chest smiled. “Morkus, from Orkus.”
The director smacked the palm of his hand against his forehead. “Holy shit, mister. Do you realize you just killed one of my stars?”
Morkus from Orkus looked down at Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls and wondered why he didn’t watch out. The police came and took Morkus away and he is now serving a life sentence for dangerous driving occasioning death.
Meanwhile, inside the Stevens’ house, the Wicked Witch had clamped a Peggy Bundy’s Pair of Undies on her nose so she wouldn’t be able to smell Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man who not only had a bat and two balls between his legs but now had the entire team in his pants.
Dorothy watched all this and decided that she really wanted to go home. Glinda the Good Witch of the North entered the house by way of the lounge window which wasn’t so good because she broke it to get in even though the front door was wide open. Silly woman. She went over to Dorothy and said, “Child, you’ve always had the power to go home.”
Dorothy gave her a startled look. “Really?” She looked around the cage. “Where is it?”
Glinda smiled. “It’s within you, child. All you need to do is say three times, ‘There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.’”
“There’s no place like home,” Dorothy said. “There’s no place like home.” She closed her eyes and when she opened them she found herself in the middle of Old Trafford. “Hmmm,” she said as the ball passed her by on its way to the goal. “This isn’t like home at all.”
The referee blew his whistle for fulltime and Dorothy closed her eyes again. When she opened them she found herself in medieval England.
Sir Lance A Boil stopped riding his horse and looked down at her from high in the air. “You’re still not home, m’lady. But I can help you get there. Just climb upon my wild steed, and together we’ll ride.”
Dorothy turned to the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion. “My goodness I’ll miss you all. Take care, my friends.” She hugged them one by one and was about to climb on board Sir Lance A Boil’s steed when Black Beauty went running by. Sir Lance A Boil’s steed took off after her and when he caught her he mounted her from behind and began giving it to her. The Scarecrow looked at Dorothy. “I guess you’ll have to stay here.”
The Cowardly Lion smiled. “Yes, we’ll look after you.”
The Tin Man slipped his hand up the back of Dorothy’s dress. “Yes, we’ll look after you.”
Dorothy thought about it for a moment. She had seen it all and now her time had come. She looked down at the Tin Man’s penis. Judging by the trail of semen dripping off the end of it, her time wasn’t the only thing that had come. She closed her eyes again and when she opened them she saw her Aunty Em sitting in front of her. She reached up and threw her arms over her auntie’s shoulders. “Oh Auntie Em. There’s no place like home.”
All of a sudden a group of zombies entered the house. They attacked Dorothy and her Auntie
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