Read Online The Waterproof Bible by Andrew Kaufman - Free Book Online
Authors: Andrew Kaufman
Tags: General Fiction
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movements, struggled to push through the two inches of open window. The bird’s sharp, tiny beak darted in andout like a sewing machine needle.
“Are you sure about that?” Kenneth asked.
“We are.”
“We did agree on a fee.”
“But we have no proof.”
“The fee was not excessive.”
“We need proof. Do you have any?”
“I understand completely,” Kenneth said. He rapped three more times on the window.
Four birds, each identical to the first, landed on the sill. All five struggled to push through the two inches of open window. The mayor was not moved. She leaned back in her chair. She crossed her arms over her chest. Kenneth turned towards the window. Making a knuckle with his index finger, he knocked once, very loudly, against the glass and stepped to the side.
Very quickly there were more birds than the window-sill could hold. The birds fought each other for their positions. They thrust their blue heads through the crack, desperate to enter the room. More birds arrived. More yellow eyes stared through the glass. More tiny beaks pushed through the open window. When there was no more room on the sill, the birds began striking the glass. Each impact was loud. After each strike, another bird took its place. More and more birds began hitting the glass. The number of beaks pushing above the sill seemed innumerable. The window became black, as if night had grown wings.
“Alright! Alright! I’ll pay you,” the mayor said, her eyes wide and staring at the window. “You’ll be paid.”
Kenneth, looking at the birds, debated. His needed the money, yet the mayor’s fear was giving him considerablejoy. For sixty seconds he debated, but then he rapped five times on the window. The birds, all at once, flew away. The room became quiet, with only three sounds remaining: the rain striking the window, the mayor’s pen as she signed her name to a cheque and Kenneth’s ringing cellphone.
9
The Hliðafgoð
Apart from the fact that they are physically as able to live underwater as they are on land, that their skin is green and changes shade depending on their emotional state, that their fingers and toes are webbed and that they breathe through gills on the sides of their necks, the Hliðafgoð are remarkably similar to humans. They tend to marry for life, although divorce is becoming more and more common, and most straight couples have two or three children.
The Hliðafgoð (the “ð” is pronounced quietly, like the “th” in “rather”) have lived in the deepest parts of the ocean for thousands of years. Aby lived in Alisvín-bær (the “æ” is pronounced like “eye”), a city of 2.5 million in the eastern foothills of the Mid-Atlantic Range in the Northern Atlantic Ocean. She’d lived there since she was a teenager, and she liked it fine enough. She found the pace of city life a little too hectic, and the Gulf Stream made the downtown too hot in the summer. The real estate market had recently gone through the roof, leaving her a renter even though she had a good job as a claims adjuster for a large insurance company. Her apartment was small, but not cozy, and was too dark in the mornings. Nonetheless, after twenty hours behind the wheel of the white Honda Civic, there was nowhere Aby would rather have been. Even the scene of the mostgrisly accident her job had exposed her to had not scared her as much as driving on the 401.
Aby didn’t know whether she was nearing Toronto or already in it. It seemed to her that she’d been driving through the same city for an hour and a half. The traffic got thicker, the driving more aggressive, and the three lanes of traffic suddenly turned to six. Just as a seventh lane was added, a red BMW appeared behind her and pulled up so close that she could see the driver’s face in her rear-view mirror. Aby was too scared to slow down or change lanes. The BMW passed her on the right and was quickly replaced by a blue minivan. The van drove just as fast and came just
“Are you sure about that?” Kenneth asked.
“We are.”
“We did agree on a fee.”
“But we have no proof.”
“The fee was not excessive.”
“We need proof. Do you have any?”
“I understand completely,” Kenneth said. He rapped three more times on the window.
Four birds, each identical to the first, landed on the sill. All five struggled to push through the two inches of open window. The mayor was not moved. She leaned back in her chair. She crossed her arms over her chest. Kenneth turned towards the window. Making a knuckle with his index finger, he knocked once, very loudly, against the glass and stepped to the side.
Very quickly there were more birds than the window-sill could hold. The birds fought each other for their positions. They thrust their blue heads through the crack, desperate to enter the room. More birds arrived. More yellow eyes stared through the glass. More tiny beaks pushed through the open window. When there was no more room on the sill, the birds began striking the glass. Each impact was loud. After each strike, another bird took its place. More and more birds began hitting the glass. The number of beaks pushing above the sill seemed innumerable. The window became black, as if night had grown wings.
“Alright! Alright! I’ll pay you,” the mayor said, her eyes wide and staring at the window. “You’ll be paid.”
Kenneth, looking at the birds, debated. His needed the money, yet the mayor’s fear was giving him considerablejoy. For sixty seconds he debated, but then he rapped five times on the window. The birds, all at once, flew away. The room became quiet, with only three sounds remaining: the rain striking the window, the mayor’s pen as she signed her name to a cheque and Kenneth’s ringing cellphone.
9
The Hliðafgoð
Apart from the fact that they are physically as able to live underwater as they are on land, that their skin is green and changes shade depending on their emotional state, that their fingers and toes are webbed and that they breathe through gills on the sides of their necks, the Hliðafgoð are remarkably similar to humans. They tend to marry for life, although divorce is becoming more and more common, and most straight couples have two or three children.
The Hliðafgoð (the “ð” is pronounced quietly, like the “th” in “rather”) have lived in the deepest parts of the ocean for thousands of years. Aby lived in Alisvín-bær (the “æ” is pronounced like “eye”), a city of 2.5 million in the eastern foothills of the Mid-Atlantic Range in the Northern Atlantic Ocean. She’d lived there since she was a teenager, and she liked it fine enough. She found the pace of city life a little too hectic, and the Gulf Stream made the downtown too hot in the summer. The real estate market had recently gone through the roof, leaving her a renter even though she had a good job as a claims adjuster for a large insurance company. Her apartment was small, but not cozy, and was too dark in the mornings. Nonetheless, after twenty hours behind the wheel of the white Honda Civic, there was nowhere Aby would rather have been. Even the scene of the mostgrisly accident her job had exposed her to had not scared her as much as driving on the 401.
Aby didn’t know whether she was nearing Toronto or already in it. It seemed to her that she’d been driving through the same city for an hour and a half. The traffic got thicker, the driving more aggressive, and the three lanes of traffic suddenly turned to six. Just as a seventh lane was added, a red BMW appeared behind her and pulled up so close that she could see the driver’s face in her rear-view mirror. Aby was too scared to slow down or change lanes. The BMW passed her on the right and was quickly replaced by a blue minivan. The van drove just as fast and came just
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