Read Online The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant by Drew Hayes - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Drew Hayes
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about. Hey, I said vampire senses were powerful, not that they weren’t gross.
All of this sounds like it happened quickly, but the truth is that between splitting my focus on listening and walking we had finally reached our destination by the time I confirmed my Albert hypothesis. He moved down the line, wearing a giant smile as he was helping each of us sit down on the ground so we would be comfortable while we waited for the emperor to come judge us. I was at the end of the line, so I was left standing till the end.
By providence or coincidence, I had been further away from most of the others when we were frozen, which meant I had a fair amount of chain separating me from the player in front of me. I began carefully inching my way backwards. When Albert sat me down, I wanted as much space from anyone else as possible. I had some questions that were most definitely not for public hearing.
It took some time due to Albert’s care with helping each player down, but he finally reached me. He stood behind my back and told me to slowly lower my knees. I did as instructed, waiting until my butt was on the ground, and he was bent over my shoulders just about to let go of me before speaking.
“So,” I said, trying with all my might to be casual. “What are you anyway, Albert?”
Instead of answering he released his grip and walked around in front of me. He then took a knee so we were eye to eye and pointed to his badge. There, in clear black ink, it said: “Zombie.”
“Are you really?” I asked, doing what I hoped was arching an eyebrow.
“Of course, I am Albert the Unstoppable Zombie, raised by Emperor Nikolai and existing only to serve his every whim,” Albert declared proudly.
“No . . . damnit, you’re not getting the point. Forget the game. Are you an actual zombie?” I asked again.
Now Albert’s relentlessly cheerful face was getting wary and worried. Even I could tell I was at least on the right track. “Don’t be silly,” he said, hushing his tone slightly. “There’s no such thing as zombies.”
“Right. Just like there’s no such thing as real necromancers who cast real spells and take a bunch of real people chained up out into the woods with no witnesses.”
Albert didn’t say anything after that, just widened his eyes and began chewing on his lower lip.
“Okay, I’ll be honest with you,” I said. “I know you’re a real zombie, and Neil is a real necromancer. I don’t really care about either of those things. Live and let live. That’s my expression. Just tell me that all of this is part of the game, and there is nothing sinister afoot, and I’ll hang out and play along until my date comes to pick me up for the movie. I really don’t want trouble; I just wanted to go to the movies. So just say it’s part of the game. Please .”
Albert stopped chewing and just looked at me. He looked very much like a puppy going through potty training that slips up and pees on the rug. Guilty and apologetic, with the resignation that he couldn’t change what had already happened.
“Fudge,” I swore.
“I’m really, really sorry,” Albert said, rocking back off his knee and sitting next to me Indian style. “I wanted to warn you guys, or to stop him, but I just couldn’t.”
“Because you’re a supernatural being under his thrall?” I asked.
“No, because he’s my best friend. My only friend, actually. Even when I was alive it was the two of us. He’d come up with crazy schemes, and I’d follow along with them. He just got so wrapped up in things . I could never seem to talk him out of stuff. Besides, most of the time I just felt lucky to have even one friend. I mean , there was never all that much interesting about me, and now that I’m dead, I’m even less socially desirable.”
“Yeah, I know how that goes,” I said, summoning the most consoling tone I could under the circumstances. Okay, sure he had been part of a scheme to kidnap a bunch of people out into the woods
All of this sounds like it happened quickly, but the truth is that between splitting my focus on listening and walking we had finally reached our destination by the time I confirmed my Albert hypothesis. He moved down the line, wearing a giant smile as he was helping each of us sit down on the ground so we would be comfortable while we waited for the emperor to come judge us. I was at the end of the line, so I was left standing till the end.
By providence or coincidence, I had been further away from most of the others when we were frozen, which meant I had a fair amount of chain separating me from the player in front of me. I began carefully inching my way backwards. When Albert sat me down, I wanted as much space from anyone else as possible. I had some questions that were most definitely not for public hearing.
It took some time due to Albert’s care with helping each player down, but he finally reached me. He stood behind my back and told me to slowly lower my knees. I did as instructed, waiting until my butt was on the ground, and he was bent over my shoulders just about to let go of me before speaking.
“So,” I said, trying with all my might to be casual. “What are you anyway, Albert?”
Instead of answering he released his grip and walked around in front of me. He then took a knee so we were eye to eye and pointed to his badge. There, in clear black ink, it said: “Zombie.”
“Are you really?” I asked, doing what I hoped was arching an eyebrow.
“Of course, I am Albert the Unstoppable Zombie, raised by Emperor Nikolai and existing only to serve his every whim,” Albert declared proudly.
“No . . . damnit, you’re not getting the point. Forget the game. Are you an actual zombie?” I asked again.
Now Albert’s relentlessly cheerful face was getting wary and worried. Even I could tell I was at least on the right track. “Don’t be silly,” he said, hushing his tone slightly. “There’s no such thing as zombies.”
“Right. Just like there’s no such thing as real necromancers who cast real spells and take a bunch of real people chained up out into the woods with no witnesses.”
Albert didn’t say anything after that, just widened his eyes and began chewing on his lower lip.
“Okay, I’ll be honest with you,” I said. “I know you’re a real zombie, and Neil is a real necromancer. I don’t really care about either of those things. Live and let live. That’s my expression. Just tell me that all of this is part of the game, and there is nothing sinister afoot, and I’ll hang out and play along until my date comes to pick me up for the movie. I really don’t want trouble; I just wanted to go to the movies. So just say it’s part of the game. Please .”
Albert stopped chewing and just looked at me. He looked very much like a puppy going through potty training that slips up and pees on the rug. Guilty and apologetic, with the resignation that he couldn’t change what had already happened.
“Fudge,” I swore.
“I’m really, really sorry,” Albert said, rocking back off his knee and sitting next to me Indian style. “I wanted to warn you guys, or to stop him, but I just couldn’t.”
“Because you’re a supernatural being under his thrall?” I asked.
“No, because he’s my best friend. My only friend, actually. Even when I was alive it was the two of us. He’d come up with crazy schemes, and I’d follow along with them. He just got so wrapped up in things . I could never seem to talk him out of stuff. Besides, most of the time I just felt lucky to have even one friend. I mean , there was never all that much interesting about me, and now that I’m dead, I’m even less socially desirable.”
“Yeah, I know how that goes,” I said, summoning the most consoling tone I could under the circumstances. Okay, sure he had been part of a scheme to kidnap a bunch of people out into the woods
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