Read Online The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant by Drew Hayes - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Drew Hayes
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over to his own group, picking up the black book from Albert’s waiting hands.
“You should have done a little research first, Drake. You might have realized I’m not just a mage. I’m a necromancer, a spell caster with power over all forms of death, and that includes the undead. Binding you walking corpses required little more effort from me than turning a page.” Emperor Nikolai gave Drake a look of sheer condescension, gloating without restraint. “Now the only question is what to do with you all. I think I shall unbind you, after wrapping you in silver chains of course, so that Albert may escort you back into the forest. I will finish up my party with my dear subjects, and spend the time thinking of a fitting punishment for you.”
With that the emperor clapped his hands, and Albert pulled a large chest from behind a tree. He began pulling out long lengths of chain as well as several padlocks. Albert started with Lord Drake, then slowly made his way to each of us, covering us in the chains so we could barely move, and connecting us into one giant undead chain gang.
None of which was my biggest concern. You see, my problem had started the minute good old Neil had shouted those gibberish words. I was frozen like ice, unable to move even my own eyes. That spell of his had been real, and I was captured by it, which meant three things:
1. I wasn’t the only real monster here.
2. I was the worst possible race to try and stop him.
3. We were in deep shit. Again .
5.
Walking back into the forest was something of a chore. Neil had used another spell to unfreeze us, and it had given me back my range of motion, but there was still the fact that we were all shackled together that made the commute pretty challenging. Adding onto that was that Albert had been oddly thorough in chaining our hands behind our backs and our legs close together. Everyone else seemed to be pretty into the scene, impressed that Neil had planned this far ahead and gone to such lengths for realism.
I was the only one truly concerned, but that was because I was the only one who knew Neil had used a set of real spells and had bound us with real chains, though thankfully not real silver ones. Silver doesn’t hurt me, per se, but it does weaken me and, if exposed to my skin, makes me break out in a terrible rash. Even with undead regeneration, it takes days to fade. Seriously, ten buckets of calamine won’t soothe the itch that gleaming metal leaves behind.
Albert was moving up and down the line, giving direction to the front while coordinating our movements in the back. Officially he was there to make sure none of us tried to escape. I think in truth he was just making sure we didn’t go tumbling down like a row of dominoes. I watched him as he moved, watched him more carefully than I had the rest of that evening. He was quick with his movements, not quite fluid, but well above jerky. He was about as pale as the rest of the made-up vampire squad, but a few shades above my own dead skin. And he still reeked of earth. This kid must have either been playing in the mud every time we didn’t see him or have spent a few days marinating in dirt.
I’m sure a few of you have gotten there already, but this was the point where it all finally sunk home. Constantly obedient, reeked of earth, dirty clothes, and paler than normal skin; it was clear Albert wasn’t alive. I focused my hearing, first noticing the sounds of the forest, then the mingling partygoers to my rear, and then at last I heard the heartbeats of those around me. My senses seemed to hone in on that, like they’d been looking for it all along. I shook off the implications of what that probably meant and began listening to one person at a time. Once I was confident I had heard a beat from everyone of my captured cohorts, I turned my focus to Albert.
I got nothing. Not a heartbeat, not a gasp for air — nothing but the sounds of his bones scraping and muscles twanging as he scampered
“You should have done a little research first, Drake. You might have realized I’m not just a mage. I’m a necromancer, a spell caster with power over all forms of death, and that includes the undead. Binding you walking corpses required little more effort from me than turning a page.” Emperor Nikolai gave Drake a look of sheer condescension, gloating without restraint. “Now the only question is what to do with you all. I think I shall unbind you, after wrapping you in silver chains of course, so that Albert may escort you back into the forest. I will finish up my party with my dear subjects, and spend the time thinking of a fitting punishment for you.”
With that the emperor clapped his hands, and Albert pulled a large chest from behind a tree. He began pulling out long lengths of chain as well as several padlocks. Albert started with Lord Drake, then slowly made his way to each of us, covering us in the chains so we could barely move, and connecting us into one giant undead chain gang.
None of which was my biggest concern. You see, my problem had started the minute good old Neil had shouted those gibberish words. I was frozen like ice, unable to move even my own eyes. That spell of his had been real, and I was captured by it, which meant three things:
1. I wasn’t the only real monster here.
2. I was the worst possible race to try and stop him.
3. We were in deep shit. Again .
5.
Walking back into the forest was something of a chore. Neil had used another spell to unfreeze us, and it had given me back my range of motion, but there was still the fact that we were all shackled together that made the commute pretty challenging. Adding onto that was that Albert had been oddly thorough in chaining our hands behind our backs and our legs close together. Everyone else seemed to be pretty into the scene, impressed that Neil had planned this far ahead and gone to such lengths for realism.
I was the only one truly concerned, but that was because I was the only one who knew Neil had used a set of real spells and had bound us with real chains, though thankfully not real silver ones. Silver doesn’t hurt me, per se, but it does weaken me and, if exposed to my skin, makes me break out in a terrible rash. Even with undead regeneration, it takes days to fade. Seriously, ten buckets of calamine won’t soothe the itch that gleaming metal leaves behind.
Albert was moving up and down the line, giving direction to the front while coordinating our movements in the back. Officially he was there to make sure none of us tried to escape. I think in truth he was just making sure we didn’t go tumbling down like a row of dominoes. I watched him as he moved, watched him more carefully than I had the rest of that evening. He was quick with his movements, not quite fluid, but well above jerky. He was about as pale as the rest of the made-up vampire squad, but a few shades above my own dead skin. And he still reeked of earth. This kid must have either been playing in the mud every time we didn’t see him or have spent a few days marinating in dirt.
I’m sure a few of you have gotten there already, but this was the point where it all finally sunk home. Constantly obedient, reeked of earth, dirty clothes, and paler than normal skin; it was clear Albert wasn’t alive. I focused my hearing, first noticing the sounds of the forest, then the mingling partygoers to my rear, and then at last I heard the heartbeats of those around me. My senses seemed to hone in on that, like they’d been looking for it all along. I shook off the implications of what that probably meant and began listening to one person at a time. Once I was confident I had heard a beat from everyone of my captured cohorts, I turned my focus to Albert.
I got nothing. Not a heartbeat, not a gasp for air — nothing but the sounds of his bones scraping and muscles twanging as he scampered
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