anymore.”
I want to fight for this, to try and talk Derek out of it somehow, but I already know that it’s no use. Derek’s mind is a strong one, well trained after long hours of controlled emotion at the poker table.
“I understand.” I tell him, lying through my teeth, and then go in for another long, supportive hug.
I never want to leave this position, but eventually the muscular man pulls away and leads me back to our booth, where he pays and then the two of us leave in silence.
The rest of the drive back to my place is quiet, both Derek and me lost in our own mess of deep, swirling thoughts.
As much as this man says he’s attracted to me, and as much as I believe him when he looks deep into my eyes, I can’t help but think that if I truly mattered to him he would break things off with Tara right then and there. Of course, this is just me being selfish and I know it, but I can’t help myself.
I also can’t help thinking that if Tara wasn’t standing in the way, I could be starting the first day of the rest of my life tonight, taking the easy road to recovery with a fellow addict and, when the time was right, finally having a sexual relationship with someone that wasn’t built on darkness and self loathing.
What the fuck did Tara have that I didn’t, anyway?
Well, a fantastic set of tits, for one; even if hers were bolted on by a surgeon back in nineteen-ninety-one.
I just can’t help it any longer. The big green monster of jealousy has consumed me and I’m completely at its whim, overwhelmed by the desire to have Derek entirely for myself. If only him and Tara could just realize that they weren’t really compatible and get this whole charade over with.
I suppose, however, that there are ways I could speed up the process.
The second that I think this awful thought I immediately try to push it away and lock the gates behind it. I’ve spent the last two years making every decision as thoughtfully and morally as I can, and I’m not about to let that change over some man that, real talk, I only just met. Still the feeling lingers within me, and the longer that Derek and I ride in silence, the more powerful it grows.
The damn within my soul is leaking, I suddenly realize, cracked open when I relapsed the other day in the security office. The sexual creature that has been lurking within me is anxious to get out, ready to explode forth and devour everything in its path after all of these years pent up and alone.
Who am I to stand in its way?
“Arrived.” Says a feminine, disembodied voice over Derek’s stereo system.
We’ve pulled up outside of my modest, Echo Park apartment, a place in the driveway still empty as my car remains marooned at the Allencorp parking long.
“Thanks for coffee.” I tell Derek with a smile.
He laughs and grins back. “No problem, maybe next time we can actually stick around long enough for dinner.”
I try to keep up my cheerful charade but I can’t, immediately realizing that there won’t be a next time. Derek is with Tara now.
I start to climb out of his car and then stop myself, turning back around.
“Hey, do you have a sponsor yet?” I ask.
“Yeah.” Derek nods. “Bruce, the older guy with the tattoos.”
“Okay, good.” I confirm. “Well, thanks again for tonight, it was really nice talking to
I want to fight for this, to try and talk Derek out of it somehow, but I already know that it’s no use. Derek’s mind is a strong one, well trained after long hours of controlled emotion at the poker table.
“I understand.” I tell him, lying through my teeth, and then go in for another long, supportive hug.
I never want to leave this position, but eventually the muscular man pulls away and leads me back to our booth, where he pays and then the two of us leave in silence.
The rest of the drive back to my place is quiet, both Derek and me lost in our own mess of deep, swirling thoughts.
As much as this man says he’s attracted to me, and as much as I believe him when he looks deep into my eyes, I can’t help but think that if I truly mattered to him he would break things off with Tara right then and there. Of course, this is just me being selfish and I know it, but I can’t help myself.
I also can’t help thinking that if Tara wasn’t standing in the way, I could be starting the first day of the rest of my life tonight, taking the easy road to recovery with a fellow addict and, when the time was right, finally having a sexual relationship with someone that wasn’t built on darkness and self loathing.
What the fuck did Tara have that I didn’t, anyway?
Well, a fantastic set of tits, for one; even if hers were bolted on by a surgeon back in nineteen-ninety-one.
I just can’t help it any longer. The big green monster of jealousy has consumed me and I’m completely at its whim, overwhelmed by the desire to have Derek entirely for myself. If only him and Tara could just realize that they weren’t really compatible and get this whole charade over with.
I suppose, however, that there are ways I could speed up the process.
The second that I think this awful thought I immediately try to push it away and lock the gates behind it. I’ve spent the last two years making every decision as thoughtfully and morally as I can, and I’m not about to let that change over some man that, real talk, I only just met. Still the feeling lingers within me, and the longer that Derek and I ride in silence, the more powerful it grows.
The damn within my soul is leaking, I suddenly realize, cracked open when I relapsed the other day in the security office. The sexual creature that has been lurking within me is anxious to get out, ready to explode forth and devour everything in its path after all of these years pent up and alone.
Who am I to stand in its way?
“Arrived.” Says a feminine, disembodied voice over Derek’s stereo system.
We’ve pulled up outside of my modest, Echo Park apartment, a place in the driveway still empty as my car remains marooned at the Allencorp parking long.
“Thanks for coffee.” I tell Derek with a smile.
He laughs and grins back. “No problem, maybe next time we can actually stick around long enough for dinner.”
I try to keep up my cheerful charade but I can’t, immediately realizing that there won’t be a next time. Derek is with Tara now.
I start to climb out of his car and then stop myself, turning back around.
“Hey, do you have a sponsor yet?” I ask.
“Yeah.” Derek nods. “Bruce, the older guy with the tattoos.”
“Okay, good.” I confirm. “Well, thanks again for tonight, it was really nice talking to
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