Read Online The Rules of Inheritance by Claire Bidwell Smith - Free Book Online
Authors: Claire Bidwell Smith
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this? That itâs something else entirely? That thereâs some kind of rage built up in me, a desperate loneliness brought on by simple adolescence and a sense of false immortality?
Â
I canât.
Â
So I lie.
Â
I nod yes, when she asks if itâs been hard for me to have her working so much, knowing, even at fourteen, that this will be a swift punch to her gut. But also knowing that it will be the only thing that will put a stop to her questions.
Â
After dinner I am sent to my room again. I leave the door open this time and can hear them in the kitchen, talking in hushed tones at the table, long after they have finished eating.
Â
I lie across my bed and stare at my math homework. The numbers shrink and grow, dancing across the page, mocking me. I have the urge to crumple up the work sheet, to throw it in the trash. So I do. But after a few minutes I dig it out again, smoothing the wrinkles away with my hand.
Â
I am lying on my back, staring at the ceiling, when my mother appears. She taps on the doorframe before coming in.
Â
Honey, can I talk to you?
Â
I curl onto one side in response. I want to sink through the mattress and disappear.
Â
Oh, sweetie, she says, lying down opposite me on the other side of the bed.
Â
Do you know how much I love you? She smoothes the hair away from my face when she says this, but I keep my eyes down, staring at the pink bedspread.
Â
Do you know that being your mom is the best thing that ever happened to me?
Â
I donât look up.
Â
Sometimes I think about how I almost didnât get to have you, she continues. I wanted to have a child all my life, but at a certain point I convinced myself that it wasnât going to happen.
Â
I am listening to her carefully now.
Â
When I met your father I was thirty-seven. My time was almost up. Besides, your dad was so much older and had raised three kids already.
Â
Sally, he said to me one day, I donât want you to miss out on this experience.
Â
I think I fell even more in love with him that day. We started trying soon after that, and I got pregnant surprisingly easily.
Â
But a few weeks into it I miscarried.
Â
I have never heard this part of the story before, and I lie very still, afraid that if I move sheâll stop talking.
Â
I was devastated. I donât think I got out of bed for a month. I didnât talk to your father for two weeks. That was when I realized how badly I wanted to be a mother.
Â
But after a while your father convinced me to try again, and we did. I held my breath all the way through the pregnancy, so afraid that I was going to lose you. But I didnât.
Â
She turns her head to me now and runs a hand down my cheek. Iâve adored being your mother, Claire. Sometimes I think itâs the only thing I did right with my life.
Â
She is crying now. I can tell by the way her voice has gone tighter. I still canât bring myself to look at her.
Â
Weâll get through this. Okay, sweetie? I promise.
Â
I finally look up at her and nod the tiniest nod.
Â
She turns on her side, pulling me into her like a comma, and we lie like that for a long time.
THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL I avoid Tonia in the halls. I briefly consider hiding out in the bathroom, skipping Home Ec, but I canât afford to get in any more trouble.
Â
Tonia walks by my desk at the start of class.
Â
Hey, she says.
Â
Hey, I say back.
Â
I want to tell her what happened. Sheâs still my best friend.
Â
I got caught, I say. Stealing nail polish at Kmart.
Â
She blinks. Something in her demeanor shifts. Wow, are you okay?
Â
Not really, I say.
Â
That sucks, she says, and I look down, grateful for her sympathy. I hope everything turns out okay, she says softly, before she turns toward Jamie, taking a seat next to her a few tables away.
Â
After school I head home. My mother has decided that
Â
I canât.
Â
So I lie.
Â
I nod yes, when she asks if itâs been hard for me to have her working so much, knowing, even at fourteen, that this will be a swift punch to her gut. But also knowing that it will be the only thing that will put a stop to her questions.
Â
After dinner I am sent to my room again. I leave the door open this time and can hear them in the kitchen, talking in hushed tones at the table, long after they have finished eating.
Â
I lie across my bed and stare at my math homework. The numbers shrink and grow, dancing across the page, mocking me. I have the urge to crumple up the work sheet, to throw it in the trash. So I do. But after a few minutes I dig it out again, smoothing the wrinkles away with my hand.
Â
I am lying on my back, staring at the ceiling, when my mother appears. She taps on the doorframe before coming in.
Â
Honey, can I talk to you?
Â
I curl onto one side in response. I want to sink through the mattress and disappear.
Â
Oh, sweetie, she says, lying down opposite me on the other side of the bed.
Â
Do you know how much I love you? She smoothes the hair away from my face when she says this, but I keep my eyes down, staring at the pink bedspread.
Â
Do you know that being your mom is the best thing that ever happened to me?
Â
I donât look up.
Â
Sometimes I think about how I almost didnât get to have you, she continues. I wanted to have a child all my life, but at a certain point I convinced myself that it wasnât going to happen.
Â
I am listening to her carefully now.
Â
When I met your father I was thirty-seven. My time was almost up. Besides, your dad was so much older and had raised three kids already.
Â
Sally, he said to me one day, I donât want you to miss out on this experience.
Â
I think I fell even more in love with him that day. We started trying soon after that, and I got pregnant surprisingly easily.
Â
But a few weeks into it I miscarried.
Â
I have never heard this part of the story before, and I lie very still, afraid that if I move sheâll stop talking.
Â
I was devastated. I donât think I got out of bed for a month. I didnât talk to your father for two weeks. That was when I realized how badly I wanted to be a mother.
Â
But after a while your father convinced me to try again, and we did. I held my breath all the way through the pregnancy, so afraid that I was going to lose you. But I didnât.
Â
She turns her head to me now and runs a hand down my cheek. Iâve adored being your mother, Claire. Sometimes I think itâs the only thing I did right with my life.
Â
She is crying now. I can tell by the way her voice has gone tighter. I still canât bring myself to look at her.
Â
Weâll get through this. Okay, sweetie? I promise.
Â
I finally look up at her and nod the tiniest nod.
Â
She turns on her side, pulling me into her like a comma, and we lie like that for a long time.
THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL I avoid Tonia in the halls. I briefly consider hiding out in the bathroom, skipping Home Ec, but I canât afford to get in any more trouble.
Â
Tonia walks by my desk at the start of class.
Â
Hey, she says.
Â
Hey, I say back.
Â
I want to tell her what happened. Sheâs still my best friend.
Â
I got caught, I say. Stealing nail polish at Kmart.
Â
She blinks. Something in her demeanor shifts. Wow, are you okay?
Â
Not really, I say.
Â
That sucks, she says, and I look down, grateful for her sympathy. I hope everything turns out okay, she says softly, before she turns toward Jamie, taking a seat next to her a few tables away.
Â
After school I head home. My mother has decided that
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