Read Online The Private Affairs Of Lady Jane Fielding by Viveka Portman - Free Book Online
Authors: Viveka Portman
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its upkeep. Never fear,’ he said with a smile.
I felt suddenly wretched. If I accepted Matthew into my bed, Jacob would gladly finance any improvements to Mansbury Terrace.
Did that mean Matthew was some form of whore?
I disliked this notion greatly.
Matthew is an honourable, kind man, who deserves a better existence than the one in which he finds himself.
I could aid him. I want to aid him.
Yet, I do not want another man in my bed.
Or do I?
This is a damnable position!
Do not mistake me. My curiosity is piqued. I find myself unable to kiss Jacob without supposing how different Matthew would feel. I have found myself absurdly prone to devilish thoughts about the man. I have come to believe that my reticence to engage in my husband’s proposed arrangement stem from my own reservations about the morality of it, not my lack of desire for Matthew, for, undoubtedly he is most desirable.
Before I could respond to Matthew’s conversation, Cassandra ran shrieking across the lawns in a vain attempt to escape Nanny.
Matthew laughed as he watched my young daughter’s antics.
‘Do you want children, Matthew?’ I asked when Nanny finally captured the child and dragged her back to the house.
He looked at me then, his gaze heavy with words unspoken.
‘Doesn’t any man?’ he replied.
‘I did not ask any man, I asked you,’ I corrected.
‘Of course, I do, but it is not for all of us. I have not the money or home for wife and children,’ he said.
‘Why have you not accepted the funds Jacob has offered you over the years?’
‘I am a proud man, I shall not accept charity.’ His tone was stiff.
‘Would you accept funds, if I agreed to take part in Jacob’s plan?’
My voice was soft, but I knew Matthew had heard as his cheeks flushed in response.
‘I do not know,’ he said. ‘The notion is an unsettling one, and one with which I cannot yet find peace.’
With those words, he grew even greater in my esteem.
We then walked back to the house in silence; our conversation had made me heartsick, but gave me much to think upon. His excitement when he spoke about the rejuvenation of Mansbury Terrace was infectious and I longed to see his eyes light up with enthusiasm again.
Whether Jacob noticed our conversation, and the shift in my sympathies towards Matthew, this night, I noticed with some consternation, that he chose to sleep once more in the sick rooms.
I find this fearfully irritating, as I understand its purpose. Jacob does this in the hope that Matthew may visit upon me in my bedroom whilst he is absent, as if in some illicit rendezvous.
An utterly ridiculous notion.
Indeed, if I am to partake in this ludicrous plan, amongst the three of us it shall be as transparent as is possible. I shall not have my husband wondering if his cousin mounts me in my bed, and I shall not have Matthew fear an untimely intrusion. When, if , I allow such an act to occur, it will do so with my husband’s full knowledge and agreement as well as my own.
***
Saturday 24 th July 1813
Today was Lord Stanton’s birthday party, to which we had been invited.
The day began unusually hot, so I dressed in a day gown least likely to cause me excessive discomfort. I had ordered Esther to keep my stays loose. It would not do to faint — I quite dislike the melodramatic.
We took Matthew with us, for it would be quite improper to leave him at Fielding whilst we celebrated at Stanton. Fortunately, he had brought proper formal attire, albeit, not particularly fashionable. Yet, I must say seeing Matthew and Jacob so finely garbed and both waiting for my arm had me fit to swoon. I consider myself blessed that the Fielding men, Arthur not included, are so finely formed.
The ride to Stanton was unfavourably long and hot. Pressed betwixt Jacob and Matthew I felt like a bird torn between two cats. I could feel the heat from both radiate into me, my belly was coiled and I am ashamed to admit my sex seeped with dew. Jacob’s hand took
I felt suddenly wretched. If I accepted Matthew into my bed, Jacob would gladly finance any improvements to Mansbury Terrace.
Did that mean Matthew was some form of whore?
I disliked this notion greatly.
Matthew is an honourable, kind man, who deserves a better existence than the one in which he finds himself.
I could aid him. I want to aid him.
Yet, I do not want another man in my bed.
Or do I?
This is a damnable position!
Do not mistake me. My curiosity is piqued. I find myself unable to kiss Jacob without supposing how different Matthew would feel. I have found myself absurdly prone to devilish thoughts about the man. I have come to believe that my reticence to engage in my husband’s proposed arrangement stem from my own reservations about the morality of it, not my lack of desire for Matthew, for, undoubtedly he is most desirable.
Before I could respond to Matthew’s conversation, Cassandra ran shrieking across the lawns in a vain attempt to escape Nanny.
Matthew laughed as he watched my young daughter’s antics.
‘Do you want children, Matthew?’ I asked when Nanny finally captured the child and dragged her back to the house.
He looked at me then, his gaze heavy with words unspoken.
‘Doesn’t any man?’ he replied.
‘I did not ask any man, I asked you,’ I corrected.
‘Of course, I do, but it is not for all of us. I have not the money or home for wife and children,’ he said.
‘Why have you not accepted the funds Jacob has offered you over the years?’
‘I am a proud man, I shall not accept charity.’ His tone was stiff.
‘Would you accept funds, if I agreed to take part in Jacob’s plan?’
My voice was soft, but I knew Matthew had heard as his cheeks flushed in response.
‘I do not know,’ he said. ‘The notion is an unsettling one, and one with which I cannot yet find peace.’
With those words, he grew even greater in my esteem.
We then walked back to the house in silence; our conversation had made me heartsick, but gave me much to think upon. His excitement when he spoke about the rejuvenation of Mansbury Terrace was infectious and I longed to see his eyes light up with enthusiasm again.
Whether Jacob noticed our conversation, and the shift in my sympathies towards Matthew, this night, I noticed with some consternation, that he chose to sleep once more in the sick rooms.
I find this fearfully irritating, as I understand its purpose. Jacob does this in the hope that Matthew may visit upon me in my bedroom whilst he is absent, as if in some illicit rendezvous.
An utterly ridiculous notion.
Indeed, if I am to partake in this ludicrous plan, amongst the three of us it shall be as transparent as is possible. I shall not have my husband wondering if his cousin mounts me in my bed, and I shall not have Matthew fear an untimely intrusion. When, if , I allow such an act to occur, it will do so with my husband’s full knowledge and agreement as well as my own.
***
Saturday 24 th July 1813
Today was Lord Stanton’s birthday party, to which we had been invited.
The day began unusually hot, so I dressed in a day gown least likely to cause me excessive discomfort. I had ordered Esther to keep my stays loose. It would not do to faint — I quite dislike the melodramatic.
We took Matthew with us, for it would be quite improper to leave him at Fielding whilst we celebrated at Stanton. Fortunately, he had brought proper formal attire, albeit, not particularly fashionable. Yet, I must say seeing Matthew and Jacob so finely garbed and both waiting for my arm had me fit to swoon. I consider myself blessed that the Fielding men, Arthur not included, are so finely formed.
The ride to Stanton was unfavourably long and hot. Pressed betwixt Jacob and Matthew I felt like a bird torn between two cats. I could feel the heat from both radiate into me, my belly was coiled and I am ashamed to admit my sex seeped with dew. Jacob’s hand took
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