Read Online The Old Jest by Jennifer Johnston - Free Book Online Page B

until it found a position to its liking.
    â€˜And yet,’ he said eventually. ‘You’re not afraid of me?’
    â€˜Should I be?’
    â€˜I am as unknown to you as a locked room might be.’
    â€˜People don’t frighten me. Only the very clever ones who seem to know everything.’
    â€˜But you must know they don’t.’
    â€˜I feel they can’t really, but I’m never sure.’
    He put his hand into his pocket and pulled something out. He held it out towards her. It was a gun.
    Inside her stomach some very disagreeable thing jumped. She neither moved nor spoke until whatever it was had settled itself back into its appointed place again. Her heart was beating very fast.
    â€˜Well?’
    â€˜Is that all you’re going to say?’
    â€˜What do you want me to say?’ Her voice was angry, rather shrill. May I live, may I live, may I live!
    â€˜Are you going to kill me or … something?’
    â€˜Of course not.’ He put the gun back into his pocket.
    â€˜Why … why …? ’
    â€˜I carry a gun. I just suddenly thought you ought to know.’
    â€˜You … have you …? ’
    â€˜I use it if I have to.’
    He put his hand once more into his pocket and she braced herself to see the gun again, but he took out his cigarettes instead. He took one from the box and tapped it for a moment on his thumb before putting it into his mouth.
    â€˜I make no apologies if I have upset you.’ The cigarette nodded in the corner of his mouth as he spoke. ‘The first fact of life you have to grasp if you want to get anywhere at all is that life isn’t full of sweetness and light and gentlemen standing up when ladies come into the room. On the contrary, it’s full of violence, injustice and pain. That’s what you’re afraid of seeing when you open those locked doors, peer into caves. The terrible truth.’
    â€˜No,’ she said. ‘No, no … oh …!’
    â€˜Once upon a time …’ His hand groped again in his pocket, this time for the matches. ‘They gave me a lovely uniform and a gun and exhorted me to go and kill the enemies of the people. I did my duty. I was a damn good soldier, Nancy, probably because I don’t really have a fear of dying … I know that sounds grandiose, but it’s true; my fear would be of being trapped by eternal life, like your grandfather … I became a major. I was no heroic child, like so many poor fools, just galloping into middle age. Four bloody years in a Field Artillery brigade. I watched men die for what some of them thought were the rights of the small nations. Slaughter. Young men, old men, heroes and devils and just poor sods who thought they were doing their duty.’ He struck a match and the flame was reflected in his eyes. Three flames trembled. ‘I thought at first we might be striking a million blows for justice. A purge of some sort might be taking place, but of course I was wrong … One thing I learnt though.’ He shook out the flame on the match and in his eyes and took a deep pull on his cigarette. ‘I know the true enemies of the people. The true enemies.’ He laughed suddenly. ‘I suppose you think I’m a little touched?’
    â€˜You could be.’ She spoke cautiously. ‘A little.’
    â€˜I probably am. Ranting. Spouting mumbo-jumbo foolishness at a young person who may never care, never be ruffled … by … by … after all, why should you?’
    Smoke began to trickle out through his nose and mouth. She stared at his thin face. Dying, she thought viciously, soon; I hope you die soon. The cigarette drooped between his fingers, hardened by years of pulling the trigger.
    â€˜My war,’ he said the words gently, ‘will never end.’
    She stood up.
    â€˜The sooner you get away out of here the better and ‥ and … don’t think I’ll bring you any more