Read Online The New York City Bartender's Joke Book by Jimmy Pritchard - Free Book Online
Authors: Jimmy Pritchard
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swim.
The next day, the coach is down at the pool office when he hears a knock on the door and opens it. He sees no one. But just
as he is closing the door he hears a voice say, “Down here!” He looks down and sees a head. No body, just a head. “Can I help
you?” he asks.
“I’m here to try out for the swim team,” says the head.
“You’ve got to be kidding!” says the coach.
“Hey, my friend with no legs sent me, and I’m better than he is!” says the head.
“All right, all right,” says the coach as he picks up the head and goes to the edge of the pool. “Ready?” he asks the head.
“Ready,” says the head.
The coach drops the head in the water and it sinks to the bottom. He watches the head, but it doesn’t move, only bubbles from
it rise to the surface.
A minute goes by and the coach notices that the head is turning blue. Quickly he jumps in the water, grabs the bead, brings
it up, and places it on the side of the pool. “Are you all right?” he asks the coach. “What the hell happened?”
The head coughs, spits out water, and says, “What a hell of a time for a cramp!”
A grasshopper hops into a bar, looks around, and hops up on the bar counter. The bartender looks at the grasshopper and says, “There’s
a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper looks at the bartender and says. “There’s a drink named Fred?”
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender.
A wino is stumbling down the street with one foot on the sidewalk and the other in the gutter.A cop pulls up and says to him, “I’m taking you in. You are obviously drunk.”
“Offisher, are ya absholutely sure I’m drunk?” asks the wino.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” says the cop. “Now let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino says, “Thank goodnesh, I thought I was crippled!”
Two old guys bump into each other on the street. The first old guy says, “How is everything?”
The second old guy says, “Everything is great. I just bought a new hearing aid. It’s high-tech, top-of-the-line, and very expensive.”
“What kind is it?” asks the first old guy.
“It’s four-thirty,” says the second guy, looking at his watch.
What do you call a woman who always knows
where her husband is?
A widow.
Why does a woman get her period once a month?
Because she deserves it.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the TV remote control between his toes.
Why doesn’t psychotherapy work on men?
They don’t have to go back to their childhood.
A husband and wife are scuba diving and they get separated. The husband searches frantically until he runs out of air. He
calls the Coast Guard and they immediately begin searching for her.
Two days later, the Coast Guard calls the husband and the captain says, “We’ve found your wife, but there’s some good news
and some bad news.”
Bracing himself, the husband asks, “What’s the bad news?”
“She’s dead,” says the captain. “What the hell is the good news?” cries the husband.
“Well,” says the captain, “When we pulled her out of the water, she had three good-sized lobsters and seven crabs attached
to her gear.”
“What’s so good about that?” demands the husband.
“We are going to bring her up again tomorrow!” says the captain.
A male crab and a female lobster are dating, but they are hiding it from their parents because of the obvious reasons. Eventually
the lobster gets tired of all the secrecy and she tells her father, who is furious and forbids her to see the crab again.
“But why can’t I see the crab again? We’re in love!” the lobster cries.
“Because,” says the father, trying to search for a plausible answer, “crabs walk sideways and we walk straight!”
“Please, Father,” she begs. “Just meet him once and I’m sure you will change your mind.”
The father finally agrees to meet the crab and she runs out to tell him the good news.
The crab is so excited that he practices
The next day, the coach is down at the pool office when he hears a knock on the door and opens it. He sees no one. But just
as he is closing the door he hears a voice say, “Down here!” He looks down and sees a head. No body, just a head. “Can I help
you?” he asks.
“I’m here to try out for the swim team,” says the head.
“You’ve got to be kidding!” says the coach.
“Hey, my friend with no legs sent me, and I’m better than he is!” says the head.
“All right, all right,” says the coach as he picks up the head and goes to the edge of the pool. “Ready?” he asks the head.
“Ready,” says the head.
The coach drops the head in the water and it sinks to the bottom. He watches the head, but it doesn’t move, only bubbles from
it rise to the surface.
A minute goes by and the coach notices that the head is turning blue. Quickly he jumps in the water, grabs the bead, brings
it up, and places it on the side of the pool. “Are you all right?” he asks the coach. “What the hell happened?”
The head coughs, spits out water, and says, “What a hell of a time for a cramp!”
A grasshopper hops into a bar, looks around, and hops up on the bar counter. The bartender looks at the grasshopper and says, “There’s
a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper looks at the bartender and says. “There’s a drink named Fred?”
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender.
A wino is stumbling down the street with one foot on the sidewalk and the other in the gutter.A cop pulls up and says to him, “I’m taking you in. You are obviously drunk.”
“Offisher, are ya absholutely sure I’m drunk?” asks the wino.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” says the cop. “Now let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino says, “Thank goodnesh, I thought I was crippled!”
Two old guys bump into each other on the street. The first old guy says, “How is everything?”
The second old guy says, “Everything is great. I just bought a new hearing aid. It’s high-tech, top-of-the-line, and very expensive.”
“What kind is it?” asks the first old guy.
“It’s four-thirty,” says the second guy, looking at his watch.
What do you call a woman who always knows
where her husband is?
A widow.
Why does a woman get her period once a month?
Because she deserves it.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the TV remote control between his toes.
Why doesn’t psychotherapy work on men?
They don’t have to go back to their childhood.
A husband and wife are scuba diving and they get separated. The husband searches frantically until he runs out of air. He
calls the Coast Guard and they immediately begin searching for her.
Two days later, the Coast Guard calls the husband and the captain says, “We’ve found your wife, but there’s some good news
and some bad news.”
Bracing himself, the husband asks, “What’s the bad news?”
“She’s dead,” says the captain. “What the hell is the good news?” cries the husband.
“Well,” says the captain, “When we pulled her out of the water, she had three good-sized lobsters and seven crabs attached
to her gear.”
“What’s so good about that?” demands the husband.
“We are going to bring her up again tomorrow!” says the captain.
A male crab and a female lobster are dating, but they are hiding it from their parents because of the obvious reasons. Eventually
the lobster gets tired of all the secrecy and she tells her father, who is furious and forbids her to see the crab again.
“But why can’t I see the crab again? We’re in love!” the lobster cries.
“Because,” says the father, trying to search for a plausible answer, “crabs walk sideways and we walk straight!”
“Please, Father,” she begs. “Just meet him once and I’m sure you will change your mind.”
The father finally agrees to meet the crab and she runs out to tell him the good news.
The crab is so excited that he practices
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