Read Online The New York City Bartender's Joke Book by Jimmy Pritchard - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Jimmy Pritchard
Ads: Link
another on ice—ready when I am.
Out of nowhere, I hear a voice say, “Hey, nice shirt.” I turn around to see where the voice came from, but no one is there. The
bartender is in the corner stacking glasses, the music is low, and nosound is coming from the TV, so I figure that either I’m hearing things, or my fun times from the sixties are catching up with
me.
I continue to eat more peanuts, drink the other beer that was on ice, listen to soft music, and watch soundless TV. Then the same
voice says, “Hey, nice shoes.”
Now, I
know
I heard that! Again, no one is around. It didn’t come from the low music, it didn’t come from the soundless TV, and the bartender
is still in the corner stacking glasses. I call her over and ask, “Did you say something to me?”
“No, I didn’t say anything to you,” she says. “What happened?”
“Well,” I say, “someone said, ‘Nice shirt,’ and a few minutes later the same voice said, ‘Nice shoes.’ I was wondering if you
said it.”
“Oh,” she says, “I know what it was.”
“What was it?” I ask, hoping I wasn’t having a senior moment early in my young life.
“It’s the peanuts,” she says with a smile. “They’re complimentary.”
The Carrot family are having a fun day in Central Park. They leave the park at dusk to go home and as they cross 5th Avenue, a
cab goes out of control and hits the father carrot. An ambulance arrives and takes him off to the hospital, followed by his
family.
After five hours of surgery, the doctor comes out to speak with the mother carrot.
“How is he? Will he live?” asks the mother carrot.
“He’ll live,” says the doctor, “but he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Two cannibals are deciding how to divide and eat a dead guy. The first cannibal says, “O.K., I’ve got it. I’ll start at the head
and work my way down. You start at the toes and work your way up, and we’ll meet in the middle at the belly button. That should
divide the food evenly and fairly.”
After a few minutes, the first cannibal asks the second cannibal, “How are you doing?”
The second cannibal says, “I’m having a ball!”
The first cannibal says, “Hey, slow down! You’re eating too fast!”
What did the cannibal get when he was
late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the cannibal that ordered a pizza with everybody on it?
How about the cannibal’s recipe book?
How to Serve Your Fellow Man
.
After the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, a drunk staggers down 5th Avenue, lurches into St. Patrick’s Cathedral and sways down
the aisle, bumping into pew after pew. Finally, he stumbles into the confessional. A priest, who has been watching him, figures
that he needs help and enters the other side of the confessional. “How may I help you, my son?” he asks.
Silence from the other side.
The priest asks again, “May I help you, my son?”
“Yeah,” comes the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”
Why is there a St. Paddy’s Day Parade?
So a half a million Jews can watch
the help go by.
What do you call a wandering nun?
A Roman Catholic.
The Last Supper. Jesus looks at his disciples and says, “Soon, one of you will betray me.”
All the disciples look at one another in shock. Paul asks, “Is it me, Jesus? Will I betray you?”
“No, Paul,” Jesus says. “It is not you.”
Matthew asks, “Is it me, Jesus? Will I betray you?”
“No, Matthew, it is not you,” Jesus answers.
John asks the same question. “Is it me, Jesus, will I betray you?”
“No, John,” Jesus says. “It is not you.”
All the rest of the disciples ask the same question, Judas being the last one. “Is it me, Jesus?” he asks.
In a mocking, high-pitched voice, Jesus answers, “
Is it me, Jesus, is it me, Jesus…
?”
Or how about this one…
Jesus and his
Out of nowhere, I hear a voice say, “Hey, nice shirt.” I turn around to see where the voice came from, but no one is there. The
bartender is in the corner stacking glasses, the music is low, and nosound is coming from the TV, so I figure that either I’m hearing things, or my fun times from the sixties are catching up with
me.
I continue to eat more peanuts, drink the other beer that was on ice, listen to soft music, and watch soundless TV. Then the same
voice says, “Hey, nice shoes.”
Now, I
know
I heard that! Again, no one is around. It didn’t come from the low music, it didn’t come from the soundless TV, and the bartender
is still in the corner stacking glasses. I call her over and ask, “Did you say something to me?”
“No, I didn’t say anything to you,” she says. “What happened?”
“Well,” I say, “someone said, ‘Nice shirt,’ and a few minutes later the same voice said, ‘Nice shoes.’ I was wondering if you
said it.”
“Oh,” she says, “I know what it was.”
“What was it?” I ask, hoping I wasn’t having a senior moment early in my young life.
“It’s the peanuts,” she says with a smile. “They’re complimentary.”
The Carrot family are having a fun day in Central Park. They leave the park at dusk to go home and as they cross 5th Avenue, a
cab goes out of control and hits the father carrot. An ambulance arrives and takes him off to the hospital, followed by his
family.
After five hours of surgery, the doctor comes out to speak with the mother carrot.
“How is he? Will he live?” asks the mother carrot.
“He’ll live,” says the doctor, “but he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Two cannibals are deciding how to divide and eat a dead guy. The first cannibal says, “O.K., I’ve got it. I’ll start at the head
and work my way down. You start at the toes and work your way up, and we’ll meet in the middle at the belly button. That should
divide the food evenly and fairly.”
After a few minutes, the first cannibal asks the second cannibal, “How are you doing?”
The second cannibal says, “I’m having a ball!”
The first cannibal says, “Hey, slow down! You’re eating too fast!”
What did the cannibal get when he was
late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the cannibal that ordered a pizza with everybody on it?
How about the cannibal’s recipe book?
How to Serve Your Fellow Man
.
After the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, a drunk staggers down 5th Avenue, lurches into St. Patrick’s Cathedral and sways down
the aisle, bumping into pew after pew. Finally, he stumbles into the confessional. A priest, who has been watching him, figures
that he needs help and enters the other side of the confessional. “How may I help you, my son?” he asks.
Silence from the other side.
The priest asks again, “May I help you, my son?”
“Yeah,” comes the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”
Why is there a St. Paddy’s Day Parade?
So a half a million Jews can watch
the help go by.
What do you call a wandering nun?
A Roman Catholic.
The Last Supper. Jesus looks at his disciples and says, “Soon, one of you will betray me.”
All the disciples look at one another in shock. Paul asks, “Is it me, Jesus? Will I betray you?”
“No, Paul,” Jesus says. “It is not you.”
Matthew asks, “Is it me, Jesus? Will I betray you?”
“No, Matthew, it is not you,” Jesus answers.
John asks the same question. “Is it me, Jesus, will I betray you?”
“No, John,” Jesus says. “It is not you.”
All the rest of the disciples ask the same question, Judas being the last one. “Is it me, Jesus?” he asks.
In a mocking, high-pitched voice, Jesus answers, “
Is it me, Jesus, is it me, Jesus…
?”
Or how about this one…
Jesus and his
Similar Books
