accused of rape. I crumple down onto my bed, a flash of doubt coursing through me. What if Carter is my Tom Robinson? What if I’m the one who’s wrong?
I twist around so I can look out the window. All the way on the other side of the quad is the white door that leads into Richardson Hall, Carter’s dorm. I stare hard at the door, as if it offers answers, secrets. Then a boy walks up the steps, not Carter, just someone else, and opens the door.
We didn’t go in that door. We went in a back door and then…
The room looks bigger than mine. A lot bigger. And he has a single. I wonder how he got a single. At least I think it’s a single. The room feels tilted, or maybe that’s just the fact that my shoulders are kind of swaying back and forth right now
.
“I’m going to use the bathroom for a sec. Be right back,” he says, and the door shuts softly behind him. I hear “Ode to Joy” crashing through the speakers
.
I nod. At least I think I do. I think I move my head. My feet feel funny, kind of loose on the ground, and I’m already sinking down. So I decide to lie down. The bed’s so faraway. I don’t think I can make it. So I just sink down onto the crimson and tan diamonds. Better. But what would be even better is full horizontality. I somehow manage to take off my coat, leave it on the floor, make my way to the bed, and collapse into sleep
.
The door closes, and the boy is inside Richardson Hall. Inside the building where Carter fucked me while I was sleeping.
BEGGING FOR IT
Lunchtime.
Part of me feels like I’m walking into the lion’s den. Another part of me knows I can’t become the freak who eats in her room just to avoid other students. Besides, maybe there’s nothing to be worried about, I reason as I walk into the cafeteria with Maia and T.S. Maybe no one’s really talking about me. Maybe they already gossiped over the weekend and they’re on to someone else.
“I saw your note back in the room,” I say to T.S. Her short blond hair hits her cheeks.
“And?” she asks.
“What note?” Maia interrupts.
“Nothing,” I say quickly.
“Oh no, you don’t,” Maia says firmly as we drop ourbags at our usual spot, a wooden table near the edge of the cafeteria. Martin and Sandeep are already seated. “What’s going on?” Maia asks.
I head over to the food line, grab an apple, then make my way to the salad bar. As I spoon lettuce onto my plate, someone starts talking to me. It’s Kevin Ward. My stomach drops.
“Hi, Alex,” he says. He has light brown hair, wavy, and cool brown eyes. I picture him playing water polo as I dunk him, press his head underwater for a very long time so he can’t talk to me. When he rises to the surface, his hair is flat and wet, his eyes are red, and he’s gasping for air at the side of the pool.
“Hi.” I add garbanzo beans to my plate.
“How was your weekend?” he says, a grin on his face. He’s never asked me anything before. We don’t chat at the salad bar. We don’t chat anywhere.
“Fine.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Modest,” he says softly.
“Excuse me?” I ask.
“I heard it was better than fine,” he says, then winks at me. He leans in close to me. “I can go more than twice. If you’re up for it, I could go five, six times.”
Then he heads to the table with the other water polo boys. Just as he sits down, he’s joined by Carter. Kevin high-fives Carter, then tips his forehead back toward me. Carter looks over from across the cafeteria, doesn’t say anything, just mouths something to me, something like “go again?”
My hands shake; my plate of lettuce and garbanzo beans threatens to spill onto the white tiled floor. Carter has seen me at my worst, my most vulnerable, and now he’s telling his friends. I was a virgin—I’d still be a virgin if it weren’t for what he did to me while I was passed out. I walk quickly to the table, place my plate down, and say to Martin and Sandeep, “I’m going to skip lunch. This
I twist around so I can look out the window. All the way on the other side of the quad is the white door that leads into Richardson Hall, Carter’s dorm. I stare hard at the door, as if it offers answers, secrets. Then a boy walks up the steps, not Carter, just someone else, and opens the door.
We didn’t go in that door. We went in a back door and then…
The room looks bigger than mine. A lot bigger. And he has a single. I wonder how he got a single. At least I think it’s a single. The room feels tilted, or maybe that’s just the fact that my shoulders are kind of swaying back and forth right now
.
“I’m going to use the bathroom for a sec. Be right back,” he says, and the door shuts softly behind him. I hear “Ode to Joy” crashing through the speakers
.
I nod. At least I think I do. I think I move my head. My feet feel funny, kind of loose on the ground, and I’m already sinking down. So I decide to lie down. The bed’s so faraway. I don’t think I can make it. So I just sink down onto the crimson and tan diamonds. Better. But what would be even better is full horizontality. I somehow manage to take off my coat, leave it on the floor, make my way to the bed, and collapse into sleep
.
The door closes, and the boy is inside Richardson Hall. Inside the building where Carter fucked me while I was sleeping.
BEGGING FOR IT
Lunchtime.
Part of me feels like I’m walking into the lion’s den. Another part of me knows I can’t become the freak who eats in her room just to avoid other students. Besides, maybe there’s nothing to be worried about, I reason as I walk into the cafeteria with Maia and T.S. Maybe no one’s really talking about me. Maybe they already gossiped over the weekend and they’re on to someone else.
“I saw your note back in the room,” I say to T.S. Her short blond hair hits her cheeks.
“And?” she asks.
“What note?” Maia interrupts.
“Nothing,” I say quickly.
“Oh no, you don’t,” Maia says firmly as we drop ourbags at our usual spot, a wooden table near the edge of the cafeteria. Martin and Sandeep are already seated. “What’s going on?” Maia asks.
I head over to the food line, grab an apple, then make my way to the salad bar. As I spoon lettuce onto my plate, someone starts talking to me. It’s Kevin Ward. My stomach drops.
“Hi, Alex,” he says. He has light brown hair, wavy, and cool brown eyes. I picture him playing water polo as I dunk him, press his head underwater for a very long time so he can’t talk to me. When he rises to the surface, his hair is flat and wet, his eyes are red, and he’s gasping for air at the side of the pool.
“Hi.” I add garbanzo beans to my plate.
“How was your weekend?” he says, a grin on his face. He’s never asked me anything before. We don’t chat at the salad bar. We don’t chat anywhere.
“Fine.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Modest,” he says softly.
“Excuse me?” I ask.
“I heard it was better than fine,” he says, then winks at me. He leans in close to me. “I can go more than twice. If you’re up for it, I could go five, six times.”
Then he heads to the table with the other water polo boys. Just as he sits down, he’s joined by Carter. Kevin high-fives Carter, then tips his forehead back toward me. Carter looks over from across the cafeteria, doesn’t say anything, just mouths something to me, something like “go again?”
My hands shake; my plate of lettuce and garbanzo beans threatens to spill onto the white tiled floor. Carter has seen me at my worst, my most vulnerable, and now he’s telling his friends. I was a virgin—I’d still be a virgin if it weren’t for what he did to me while I was passed out. I walk quickly to the table, place my plate down, and say to Martin and Sandeep, “I’m going to skip lunch. This
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