you?”
I grit my teeth, kind of grinding them against each other. I press harder, so it feels as if my teeth might split. I picture little bits of white sawdust spreading around in my mouth, a molar shearing off, like a glacier calving in the Arctic.
“Maybe he won’t,” I say softly, looking for a quiet way out, a secret back door I can slip through. I’m just a quiet mouse and I disappear into the woods.
“I bet he already has,” T.S. says.
“Maybe he just told Kevin,” I offer pathetically, my voice quavering. I suck the tightness in my throat back in. “Maybe they’re best friends. I mean, I told you, T.S. And I told Maia now. And Natalie knows because she saw me and goes out with Kevin. Maybe it’s just the three of them who know. That’s not bad, right?”
Maia takes over. “Let’s say for the sake of argument that he just told Kevin. And Natalie, oh-silent-quiet Natalie, hasn’t told a soul either. Would that change what happened Friday night?”
“That has nothing to do with this.”
T.S. raises an eyebrow. “So him raping you has nothing to do with whether you go to the Mockingbirds? It has everything to do with it.”
“Don’t use that word.”
“Let’s see, then, if he just told one person,” Maia suggests. “I doubt it, considering that Hadley and Henry were talking about you at Debate on Saturday, and they’re on the swim team. They’re friends with all the water polo players. Let’s find out how far the bastard is spreading lies or not. Iknow the swimmers. And Hadley Blaine is dying to become my second-in-command in the Debate Club, so I can get pretty much anything out of him.”
She wheels around and heads back into the cafeteria. I stare at T.S. “What’s she doing?”
T.S. shakes her head. “I don’t know, but she moves pretty fast.”
“Yeah.”
“I mean, she went from not knowing to interrogating in about ten seconds. The mob should recruit her. She’d be the muscle,” T.S. says, trying her best to keep the mood light. But I can’t laugh right now. I sink down to the ground, sitting on the cold grass. I pick a few pieces out of the lawn. T.S. sits next to me.
“Listen,” she says softly. “I just think you need to stand up for yourself.”
“You act as if I’m a victim, like I’ve always been some kind of victim.”
“I don’t think you’ve always been the victim. But you’re one now, and I think you should do something about it.”
“Are the Mockingbirds really going to solve this?” I ask.
“You know their track record as well as I do,” T.S. says as Maia returns, joining us on the ground. She huffs a few times, almost like she’s blowing out smoke before she can talk. She’s fuming, and the nail on her middle finger is broken, jagged. There’s a tiny bit of blood on her finger.
I point to it, wide-eyed. “What happened?”
She takes one more breath, then adjusts her ponytail.“The whole team knows. Both teams, actually. Swim team, water polo team.”
I drop my head into my hands.
She continues. “I sat down next to Hadley and asked him if he’d want to help me with the prep work for the next debate, and he practically panted in excitement. Then a bunch of guys at the table laughed, and I leaned close to Hadley and said, ‘What’s so funny to your mates?’ And he said, ‘Carter’s entertaining his teammates with his weekend activities report.’ ”
I grind my teeth again, and I swear I crush one of my own canines into dust in my mouth.
“So I tell Hadley to be at practice two hours early to help, and he starts telling me about how he’ll do this and that, but I just pretended to listen and instead focused on what Carter was saying. Carter didn’t realize I was listening to him instead of Hadley. And that’s when I dug my nails into the table because it was all I could do not to gouge Carter’s eyes out. This one ripped off”—Maia stops, holds up the finger with the torn nail—“when he told them that you
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