Read Online The Mince Pie Mix-Up by Jennifer Joyce - Free Book Online
Authors: Jennifer Joyce
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his toes and he’d almost broken his ankles trying to walk in them.
‘I’m only going to Laura’s,’ Calvin had pointed out as Judy had forced the boots on his feet in a weird, bad-tempered Prince Charming move. ‘Why do I have to dress up?’
‘You’re not
dressing up
, Calvin. You’re wearing jeans, for goodness’ sake.’ Judy had zipped up the boots with more force than was necessary. ‘I’ll let you off the make-up tonight, but you are not turning up in a pair of trainers.’
Calvin really didn’t understand his wife, especially when he stood up on the stupid heels and nearly ended up straight on the floor. He wobbled like a newborn foal as he attempted to cross the bedroom, his arms outstretched for balance. He felt ridiculous.
‘You look ridiculous,’ Judy had tutted. ‘Walk properly.’
He’d had a practice run (or rather a practice walk) around the house until he felt confident enough to walk across the village to Laura’s house. Still, he’d stumbled on quite a few occasions. At least he could blame the wine on the walk home.
‘Here we are.’ Laura returned with a fresh bottle and topped up their glasses. Calvin sank half of his glass in one go. ‘Thirsty?’
‘It’s been a hard day,’ Calvin said just as a small face appeared at the sitting-room door, demanding
one more bedtime story, pleeeeeease
.
Over the course of the evening there were life-threatening thirsts, a tummy ache, a monster under the bed, debilitating hunger, two nightmares (from the same kid who Calvin suspected hadn’t even closed its eyes all evening) and Larry was lost on three more occasions. He was found under the bed, on top of the wardrobe and stuffed in the bathroom cabinet.
‘I’m really sorry about this. I won’t be a minute,’ Laura said as a squabble erupted upstairs on the landing. Left alone – again – Calvin polished off the bottle of wine. This wasn’t a night out. It wasn’t relaxing. He may as well have been at home listening to his own children bickering. He wondered how long he would have to remain on Laura’s sofa before he could politely leave.
Chapter Eight:
The Gloves Are Off
Judy had been having quite a nice time being Calvin. As she suspected, being her husband was a breeze. She’d spent the afternoon with Charlie at the bookshop and she didn’t even have to cook when she returned home. She’d then spent the evening watching television and didn’t have to worry at all about the washing piling up in the laundry basket, didn’t have to lug the vacuum cleaner around or scrub the loo. And what bliss not to have to think about the state of Scott’s bedroom!
But her delight soon wore off on Sunday morning when she was expected to get up early to play football with the lads.
‘No way. I can’t play football.’
‘You have to.’ Calvin was going to miss meeting up with the lads, but it was worth missing out to see the smugness wiped from Judy’s face. ‘You can’t let the lads down.’
‘But I’ll do that anyway if I’m expected to play.’ Judy had never been very good at sports and she hadn’t taken part in any sort of team activity since she was at school. And she didn’t even want to begin totting up how many years that had been. ‘They’re bound to lose if I’m on their team.’
‘Relax. It isn’t a match, just a Sunday kick around. Besides, it’s only fair. If I had to sit and listen to Laura bang on about what a useless shit her ex-husband is, you should go and play football.’
‘Fine.’ Judy dragged herself out of bed. ‘But I expect a full roast lunch on the table when I get back.
It’s only fair
.’
Judy felt ridiculous as she made her way towards the playing field. It was the middle of December and she was freezing her arse off in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. Calvin’s hairy legs weren’t keeping her warm at all. She was actually going to freeze to death on that pitch.
‘Ah, you made it.’ One of Calvin’s mates jogged by and
‘I’m only going to Laura’s,’ Calvin had pointed out as Judy had forced the boots on his feet in a weird, bad-tempered Prince Charming move. ‘Why do I have to dress up?’
‘You’re not
dressing up
, Calvin. You’re wearing jeans, for goodness’ sake.’ Judy had zipped up the boots with more force than was necessary. ‘I’ll let you off the make-up tonight, but you are not turning up in a pair of trainers.’
Calvin really didn’t understand his wife, especially when he stood up on the stupid heels and nearly ended up straight on the floor. He wobbled like a newborn foal as he attempted to cross the bedroom, his arms outstretched for balance. He felt ridiculous.
‘You look ridiculous,’ Judy had tutted. ‘Walk properly.’
He’d had a practice run (or rather a practice walk) around the house until he felt confident enough to walk across the village to Laura’s house. Still, he’d stumbled on quite a few occasions. At least he could blame the wine on the walk home.
‘Here we are.’ Laura returned with a fresh bottle and topped up their glasses. Calvin sank half of his glass in one go. ‘Thirsty?’
‘It’s been a hard day,’ Calvin said just as a small face appeared at the sitting-room door, demanding
one more bedtime story, pleeeeeease
.
Over the course of the evening there were life-threatening thirsts, a tummy ache, a monster under the bed, debilitating hunger, two nightmares (from the same kid who Calvin suspected hadn’t even closed its eyes all evening) and Larry was lost on three more occasions. He was found under the bed, on top of the wardrobe and stuffed in the bathroom cabinet.
‘I’m really sorry about this. I won’t be a minute,’ Laura said as a squabble erupted upstairs on the landing. Left alone – again – Calvin polished off the bottle of wine. This wasn’t a night out. It wasn’t relaxing. He may as well have been at home listening to his own children bickering. He wondered how long he would have to remain on Laura’s sofa before he could politely leave.
Chapter Eight:
The Gloves Are Off
Judy had been having quite a nice time being Calvin. As she suspected, being her husband was a breeze. She’d spent the afternoon with Charlie at the bookshop and she didn’t even have to cook when she returned home. She’d then spent the evening watching television and didn’t have to worry at all about the washing piling up in the laundry basket, didn’t have to lug the vacuum cleaner around or scrub the loo. And what bliss not to have to think about the state of Scott’s bedroom!
But her delight soon wore off on Sunday morning when she was expected to get up early to play football with the lads.
‘No way. I can’t play football.’
‘You have to.’ Calvin was going to miss meeting up with the lads, but it was worth missing out to see the smugness wiped from Judy’s face. ‘You can’t let the lads down.’
‘But I’ll do that anyway if I’m expected to play.’ Judy had never been very good at sports and she hadn’t taken part in any sort of team activity since she was at school. And she didn’t even want to begin totting up how many years that had been. ‘They’re bound to lose if I’m on their team.’
‘Relax. It isn’t a match, just a Sunday kick around. Besides, it’s only fair. If I had to sit and listen to Laura bang on about what a useless shit her ex-husband is, you should go and play football.’
‘Fine.’ Judy dragged herself out of bed. ‘But I expect a full roast lunch on the table when I get back.
It’s only fair
.’
Judy felt ridiculous as she made her way towards the playing field. It was the middle of December and she was freezing her arse off in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. Calvin’s hairy legs weren’t keeping her warm at all. She was actually going to freeze to death on that pitch.
‘Ah, you made it.’ One of Calvin’s mates jogged by and
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