had tried to lick my hand when you courted me, I would have had mamia throw you into a fire,” Mom told him.
“So violent,” I whispered. My parents were hardcore.
“Which one?” Tiggy asked. “I smash him.”
“Everyone I love would kill for me,” I announced loudly.
The men waiting in line winced. I heard a loud bark of laughter above the sounds of the feast and saw the King sitting with Justin and Ryan. Justin was smiling at his father, and Ryan was watching Justin. I was too far away to tell, but it was probably with love and adoration and he totally couldn’t wait to get married to Justin and have his babies, who would end up being the most beautiful creatures to ever exist. They would end up taking over all of Verania and putting all the less beautiful people into camps where they’d be forced to do hard work like chopping down trees and peeling potatoes.
“And I just said all of that out loud, didn’t I?” I asked when I saw my little band of misfits staring at me. They nodded and so I said, “Crap. I don’t even care. Look! I’m good. I have tight pants and great hair. Nothing else matters.” They were completely convinced even as I slurred my words.
“Maybe hold back on the wine for a bit?” Morgan said, taking the third cup away.
“Thank you for telling me about your asexuality,” I told him seriously. “You are like my sun and moon and I want you to know we can share everything with each other. Since you told me a secret, I will tell you one. I was making stuff up that first day when I said Flora Bora Slam.”
“You don’t say.”
“Totally off the top of my head. I know it sounded believable, but I can’t go on anymore without telling you I had no idea what I was doing.”
I saw his lips twitch. “Lightweight.”
“I make you smile,” I said in awe. “I’m going to be great at wooing Ry—a man. A man who is not a knight. And who knows I exist and appreciates my qualities and face.”
“You have your work cut out for you,” he assured me, turning me back around and pushing me toward the crowd.
“Yes, yes. Wouldn’t want to disappoint the future Mrs. Sam of Wilds. Hello, boys! Daddy’s back. You may all sigh in relief as one.”
They did not sigh in relief as one. Some looked rather scared.
Being drunk made everything easier.
And I suppose it didn’t hurt that the next guy in line was better than all the ones before. His name was Todd and he was an earl or a duke or something, and he said, “I would ask you to dance, but I don’t know how to dance, so maybe we can just stand near each other and talk awkwardly.”
I gaped at him. “Dude. Way to down sell and keep expectations realistic.”
He shrugged nervously. “It’s better than upselling and tripping on your feet.”
He had big ears that stuck out. His hair was brown and his eyes were brown and his freckles were brown, and I told him all of this because I felt like he should know.
He said he was well aware.
I said, “Now we have to dance.”
The blood drained from his face. “You’re not going to send me away like the others?”
“Do you want me to?”
He gulped. “Maybe? Because awkward talking I can do. What if I accidentally trip and fall and knock you down and then you turn me into a rambunctious tea cozy?”
“Oh my gods,” I said.
“You could!”
“You’re scared of me!”
“Um, yes? A lot of people are scared of you. You’re pretty intimidating.”
I looked at Morgan, who I just knew was dreading what was coming. “I’m a scary badass motherfucker,” I told him proudly.
Morgan sighed. “Yes, yes. Very much so.”
I glanced back at Todd. “I promise I won’t curse you to suffer Black Death or become a rambunctious tea cozy. While you’re stepping on my feet, you can tell me all the stories people tell about me.”
Todd said, “Oh no.”
I T DIDN ’ T hurt that Gary snuck me more apple wine while Morgan wasn’t looking.
“Just don’t throw up on
“So violent,” I whispered. My parents were hardcore.
“Which one?” Tiggy asked. “I smash him.”
“Everyone I love would kill for me,” I announced loudly.
The men waiting in line winced. I heard a loud bark of laughter above the sounds of the feast and saw the King sitting with Justin and Ryan. Justin was smiling at his father, and Ryan was watching Justin. I was too far away to tell, but it was probably with love and adoration and he totally couldn’t wait to get married to Justin and have his babies, who would end up being the most beautiful creatures to ever exist. They would end up taking over all of Verania and putting all the less beautiful people into camps where they’d be forced to do hard work like chopping down trees and peeling potatoes.
“And I just said all of that out loud, didn’t I?” I asked when I saw my little band of misfits staring at me. They nodded and so I said, “Crap. I don’t even care. Look! I’m good. I have tight pants and great hair. Nothing else matters.” They were completely convinced even as I slurred my words.
“Maybe hold back on the wine for a bit?” Morgan said, taking the third cup away.
“Thank you for telling me about your asexuality,” I told him seriously. “You are like my sun and moon and I want you to know we can share everything with each other. Since you told me a secret, I will tell you one. I was making stuff up that first day when I said Flora Bora Slam.”
“You don’t say.”
“Totally off the top of my head. I know it sounded believable, but I can’t go on anymore without telling you I had no idea what I was doing.”
I saw his lips twitch. “Lightweight.”
“I make you smile,” I said in awe. “I’m going to be great at wooing Ry—a man. A man who is not a knight. And who knows I exist and appreciates my qualities and face.”
“You have your work cut out for you,” he assured me, turning me back around and pushing me toward the crowd.
“Yes, yes. Wouldn’t want to disappoint the future Mrs. Sam of Wilds. Hello, boys! Daddy’s back. You may all sigh in relief as one.”
They did not sigh in relief as one. Some looked rather scared.
Being drunk made everything easier.
And I suppose it didn’t hurt that the next guy in line was better than all the ones before. His name was Todd and he was an earl or a duke or something, and he said, “I would ask you to dance, but I don’t know how to dance, so maybe we can just stand near each other and talk awkwardly.”
I gaped at him. “Dude. Way to down sell and keep expectations realistic.”
He shrugged nervously. “It’s better than upselling and tripping on your feet.”
He had big ears that stuck out. His hair was brown and his eyes were brown and his freckles were brown, and I told him all of this because I felt like he should know.
He said he was well aware.
I said, “Now we have to dance.”
The blood drained from his face. “You’re not going to send me away like the others?”
“Do you want me to?”
He gulped. “Maybe? Because awkward talking I can do. What if I accidentally trip and fall and knock you down and then you turn me into a rambunctious tea cozy?”
“Oh my gods,” I said.
“You could!”
“You’re scared of me!”
“Um, yes? A lot of people are scared of you. You’re pretty intimidating.”
I looked at Morgan, who I just knew was dreading what was coming. “I’m a scary badass motherfucker,” I told him proudly.
Morgan sighed. “Yes, yes. Very much so.”
I glanced back at Todd. “I promise I won’t curse you to suffer Black Death or become a rambunctious tea cozy. While you’re stepping on my feet, you can tell me all the stories people tell about me.”
Todd said, “Oh no.”
I T DIDN ’ T hurt that Gary snuck me more apple wine while Morgan wasn’t looking.
“Just don’t throw up on
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