Read Online The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide by Josie Brown - Free Book Online
Authors: Josie Brown
Tags: thriller, Suspense, Chick lit, Romance, Women Sleuths, Espionage, Mystery, Contemporary Romance, Romantic Comedy, Hardboiled, romantic suspense, funny mystery, love, Romantic Mystery, action and adventure, Brown, espionage books, funny mysteries, guide, handy household tips, household tips, housewife, Janet Evanovich, Josie Brown, love and romance, mom lit, mommy lit, relationship tips, romantic mysteries, thriller mysteries, thrillers mysteries, womens contemporary
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confirm your gut instinct that the two of you were meant to live together for eternity…. Right?
So why won’t he return your calls? (fifteen so far, and counting….)
Was just one date enough for him to make up his mind that he’s “just not that into you?”
That is not acceptable.
No time for a pity party! He loves you. He really, really loves you. Here’s how to get him to realize his mistake:
First, put a webcam on his house, so you can track his comings and goings, which will allow you to intercept him and ask him, “What the hell? Why haven’t you called?”
Next, put a GPS tracker on his car, in case he somehow gets away from you. That way, you can pretend to run into him, allowing you to say, “Wow! Fancy meeting you here… So, why haven’t you called me?”
Finally, when he gets the restraining order issued, apply for a legal name change, so that you can keep close to your precious. In time, he’ll suck it up and accept what you’ve known all along:
You complete him.
“Well, that didn’t go so well,” Ryan says.
Like, duh . “Go ahead, be blunt. Tell me what you really think.”
It takes a moment, but finally he gets the fact that I’m joshing with him. He shakes his head. “Not funny, Donna.”
“I’m sorry, Ryan. And yes, I get it: I screwed up. I should have turned Benjamin Rooney. Frankly, I thought I’d done just that. When he jumped, I didn’t see that coming.”
“No need to apologize. I was watching along with you, and it threw me for a loop, too.” Ryan rubs his eyes, as if doing so will wipe away his concern over the turn of events. “Well, we should have more luck with the others. In fact, a second Sugar CEO has already contacted you, and not a moment too soon. Emma has picked up some new chatter on Carl. Apparently he’s planning a surprise retaliation to prove he’s back in full force.”
“Do we know where, or when?” Jack asks.
“Emma is trying to connect the dots, but she’s had no luck as of yet.”
I sigh. “I guess I should get Jeff out of her hair.”
Yes, it’s true, Jeff has discovered girls. Make that women. Well, one in particular. While he wouldn’t be caught dead talking to the giggling ten-year-old hussies who call our house asking for him, he’s been panting after Emma since she moved into the bonus room over the garage. Who knew his very first crush would be a kohl-eyed Mohawked nymphet with two nose rings and a penchant for platform boots and tight black leather jeans?
Note to self: Lock son in a closet during teen years.
Second note to self: Do the same for daughters.
Jack laughs when he sees the look of fear on my face. “Relax. Frankly, I think Emma enjoys the attention. She’s even taught Jeff how to break simple code.”
Arnie turns around to stare at us. It’s dawning on him that there’s a competitor for Emma’s affections.
Dude: you snooze, you lose. Even to a ten-year-old.
I’m still not sure if I should be worried, or pleased. “Well, knock me over with a feather! Unless it’s a video game, Jeff’s attention span is shorter than that of a gnat.”
“In this case, it may play to his favor,” Ryan says. “The key to cryptanalysis is frequency analysis. Certain letters of the alphabet appear more often than others. Code breakers recognize the same symbol—or in this case, letter—and work through combinations. The same goes for video gameplay. Repetition is what players look for.” He smiles. “Apparently Jeff is a quick learner. A chip off the old block.”
Two blocks, in fact. But I’ll pass on reminding him that he’s Carl’s child, too. “If Carl is on the warpath, it’s got to be with the Quorum’s blessing. Can’t we mine Benjamin’s cell phone for pertinent intel?”
“Every message Benjamin archived or has received since we hacked his phone has been vetted for originating sources, known contacts, and coded messages. Thus far, we’ve found no red flags that
So why won’t he return your calls? (fifteen so far, and counting….)
Was just one date enough for him to make up his mind that he’s “just not that into you?”
That is not acceptable.
No time for a pity party! He loves you. He really, really loves you. Here’s how to get him to realize his mistake:
First, put a webcam on his house, so you can track his comings and goings, which will allow you to intercept him and ask him, “What the hell? Why haven’t you called?”
Next, put a GPS tracker on his car, in case he somehow gets away from you. That way, you can pretend to run into him, allowing you to say, “Wow! Fancy meeting you here… So, why haven’t you called me?”
Finally, when he gets the restraining order issued, apply for a legal name change, so that you can keep close to your precious. In time, he’ll suck it up and accept what you’ve known all along:
You complete him.
“Well, that didn’t go so well,” Ryan says.
Like, duh . “Go ahead, be blunt. Tell me what you really think.”
It takes a moment, but finally he gets the fact that I’m joshing with him. He shakes his head. “Not funny, Donna.”
“I’m sorry, Ryan. And yes, I get it: I screwed up. I should have turned Benjamin Rooney. Frankly, I thought I’d done just that. When he jumped, I didn’t see that coming.”
“No need to apologize. I was watching along with you, and it threw me for a loop, too.” Ryan rubs his eyes, as if doing so will wipe away his concern over the turn of events. “Well, we should have more luck with the others. In fact, a second Sugar CEO has already contacted you, and not a moment too soon. Emma has picked up some new chatter on Carl. Apparently he’s planning a surprise retaliation to prove he’s back in full force.”
“Do we know where, or when?” Jack asks.
“Emma is trying to connect the dots, but she’s had no luck as of yet.”
I sigh. “I guess I should get Jeff out of her hair.”
Yes, it’s true, Jeff has discovered girls. Make that women. Well, one in particular. While he wouldn’t be caught dead talking to the giggling ten-year-old hussies who call our house asking for him, he’s been panting after Emma since she moved into the bonus room over the garage. Who knew his very first crush would be a kohl-eyed Mohawked nymphet with two nose rings and a penchant for platform boots and tight black leather jeans?
Note to self: Lock son in a closet during teen years.
Second note to self: Do the same for daughters.
Jack laughs when he sees the look of fear on my face. “Relax. Frankly, I think Emma enjoys the attention. She’s even taught Jeff how to break simple code.”
Arnie turns around to stare at us. It’s dawning on him that there’s a competitor for Emma’s affections.
Dude: you snooze, you lose. Even to a ten-year-old.
I’m still not sure if I should be worried, or pleased. “Well, knock me over with a feather! Unless it’s a video game, Jeff’s attention span is shorter than that of a gnat.”
“In this case, it may play to his favor,” Ryan says. “The key to cryptanalysis is frequency analysis. Certain letters of the alphabet appear more often than others. Code breakers recognize the same symbol—or in this case, letter—and work through combinations. The same goes for video gameplay. Repetition is what players look for.” He smiles. “Apparently Jeff is a quick learner. A chip off the old block.”
Two blocks, in fact. But I’ll pass on reminding him that he’s Carl’s child, too. “If Carl is on the warpath, it’s got to be with the Quorum’s blessing. Can’t we mine Benjamin’s cell phone for pertinent intel?”
“Every message Benjamin archived or has received since we hacked his phone has been vetted for originating sources, known contacts, and coded messages. Thus far, we’ve found no red flags that
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