.
Boys Oh very good, sir. Full marks, sir.
Irwin But I think you ought to know this lesson has been a complete waste of time.
Dakin Like Mr Hectorâs lessons then, sir. Theyâre a waste of time, too.
Irwin Yes, you little smart-arse, but heâs not trying to get you through an exam.
Staff room .
Mrs Lintott So have the boys given you a nickname?
Irwin Not that Iâm aware of.
Mrs Lintott A nickname is an achievement ⦠both in the sense of something won and also in its armorial sense of a badge, a blazon.
Unsurprisingly, I am Tot or Totty. Some irony there, one feels.
Irwin Hector has no nickname.
Mrs Lintott Yes he has: Hector.
Irwin But heâs called Hector.
Mrs Lintott And thatâs his nickname too. He isnât called Hector. His nameâs Douglas, though the only person Iâve ever heard address him as such is his somewhat unexpected wife.
Irwin Posner came to see me yesterday. He has a problem.
Mrs Lintott No nickname, but at least you get their problems. I seldom do.
Posner Sir, I think I may be homosexual.
Irwin Posner, I wanted to say, you are not yet in a position to be anything.
Mrs Lintott Youâre young, of course. I never had that advantage.
Posner I love Dakin.
Irwin Does Dakin know?
Posner Yes. He doesnât think itâs surprising. Though Dakin likes girls basically.
Irwin I sympathised, though not so much as to suggest I might be in the same boat.
Mrs Lintott With Dakin?
Irwin With anybody.
Mrs Lintott Thatâs sensible. One of the hardest things for boys to learn is that a teacher is human. One of the hardest things for a teacher to learn is not to try and tell them.
Posner Is it a phase, sir?
Irwin Do you think itâs a phase?
Posner Some of the literature says it will pass.
Irwin I wanted to say that the literature may say that, but that literature doesnât.
Posner Iâm not sure I want it to pass.
But I want to get into Cambridge, sir. If I do, Dakin might love me.
Or I might stop caring.
Do you look at your life, sir?
Irwin I thought everyone did.
Posner Iâm a Jew.
Iâm small.
Iâm homosexual.
And I live in Sheffield .
Iâm fucked.
Mrs Lintott Did you let that go?
Irwin Fucked? Yes, I did, Iâm afraid.
Mrs Lintott Itâs a test. A way of finding out if youâve ceased to be a teacher and become a friend.
Heâs a bright boy. Youâll see. Next time heâll go further.
What else did you talk about?
Irwin Nothing.
No. Nothing.
Mrs Lintott goes .
Posner.
Posner Sir?
Irwin What goes on in Mr Hectorâs lessons?
Posner Nothing, sir.
Anyway, you shouldnât ask me that, sir.
Irwin Quid pro quo.
Posner I have to go now, sir.
Irwin You learn poetry. Off your own bat?
Posner Sometimes.
He makes you want to, sir.
Irwin How?
Posner Itâs a conspiracy, sir.
Irwin Who against?
Posner The world, sir. I hate this, sir. Can I go?
Irwin Is that why he locks the door?
Posner So that itâs not part of the system, sir. Time out. Nobodyâs business. Useless knowledge.
Can I go, sir?
Irwin Why didnât you ask Mr Hector about Dakin?
Pause .
Posner I wanted advice, sir.
Mr Hector would just have given me a quotation.
Housman, sir, probably.
Literature is medicine, wisdom, elastoplast.
Everything. It isnât, though, is it, sir?
Scripps Posner did not say it, but since he seldom took his eyes off Dakin, he knew that Irwin looked at him occasionally too and he wanted him to say so. Basically he just wanted company.
Irwin It will pass.
Posner Yes, sir.
Irwin And Posner.
Posner Sir?
Irwin You must try and acquire the habit of contradiction. You are too much in the acquiescent mode.
Posner Yes, sir.
No, sir.
Posner accompanied by Scripps sings the last verse of âWhen I Survey the Wondrous Crossâ .
Dakin So all this religion, what do you do?
Scripps Go to church. Pray.
Dakin Yes?
Scripps Itâs so time-consuming. Youâve
Boys Oh very good, sir. Full marks, sir.
Irwin But I think you ought to know this lesson has been a complete waste of time.
Dakin Like Mr Hectorâs lessons then, sir. Theyâre a waste of time, too.
Irwin Yes, you little smart-arse, but heâs not trying to get you through an exam.
Staff room .
Mrs Lintott So have the boys given you a nickname?
Irwin Not that Iâm aware of.
Mrs Lintott A nickname is an achievement ⦠both in the sense of something won and also in its armorial sense of a badge, a blazon.
Unsurprisingly, I am Tot or Totty. Some irony there, one feels.
Irwin Hector has no nickname.
Mrs Lintott Yes he has: Hector.
Irwin But heâs called Hector.
Mrs Lintott And thatâs his nickname too. He isnât called Hector. His nameâs Douglas, though the only person Iâve ever heard address him as such is his somewhat unexpected wife.
Irwin Posner came to see me yesterday. He has a problem.
Mrs Lintott No nickname, but at least you get their problems. I seldom do.
Posner Sir, I think I may be homosexual.
Irwin Posner, I wanted to say, you are not yet in a position to be anything.
Mrs Lintott Youâre young, of course. I never had that advantage.
Posner I love Dakin.
Irwin Does Dakin know?
Posner Yes. He doesnât think itâs surprising. Though Dakin likes girls basically.
Irwin I sympathised, though not so much as to suggest I might be in the same boat.
Mrs Lintott With Dakin?
Irwin With anybody.
Mrs Lintott Thatâs sensible. One of the hardest things for boys to learn is that a teacher is human. One of the hardest things for a teacher to learn is not to try and tell them.
Posner Is it a phase, sir?
Irwin Do you think itâs a phase?
Posner Some of the literature says it will pass.
Irwin I wanted to say that the literature may say that, but that literature doesnât.
Posner Iâm not sure I want it to pass.
But I want to get into Cambridge, sir. If I do, Dakin might love me.
Or I might stop caring.
Do you look at your life, sir?
Irwin I thought everyone did.
Posner Iâm a Jew.
Iâm small.
Iâm homosexual.
And I live in Sheffield .
Iâm fucked.
Mrs Lintott Did you let that go?
Irwin Fucked? Yes, I did, Iâm afraid.
Mrs Lintott Itâs a test. A way of finding out if youâve ceased to be a teacher and become a friend.
Heâs a bright boy. Youâll see. Next time heâll go further.
What else did you talk about?
Irwin Nothing.
No. Nothing.
Mrs Lintott goes .
Posner.
Posner Sir?
Irwin What goes on in Mr Hectorâs lessons?
Posner Nothing, sir.
Anyway, you shouldnât ask me that, sir.
Irwin Quid pro quo.
Posner I have to go now, sir.
Irwin You learn poetry. Off your own bat?
Posner Sometimes.
He makes you want to, sir.
Irwin How?
Posner Itâs a conspiracy, sir.
Irwin Who against?
Posner The world, sir. I hate this, sir. Can I go?
Irwin Is that why he locks the door?
Posner So that itâs not part of the system, sir. Time out. Nobodyâs business. Useless knowledge.
Can I go, sir?
Irwin Why didnât you ask Mr Hector about Dakin?
Pause .
Posner I wanted advice, sir.
Mr Hector would just have given me a quotation.
Housman, sir, probably.
Literature is medicine, wisdom, elastoplast.
Everything. It isnât, though, is it, sir?
Scripps Posner did not say it, but since he seldom took his eyes off Dakin, he knew that Irwin looked at him occasionally too and he wanted him to say so. Basically he just wanted company.
Irwin It will pass.
Posner Yes, sir.
Irwin And Posner.
Posner Sir?
Irwin You must try and acquire the habit of contradiction. You are too much in the acquiescent mode.
Posner Yes, sir.
No, sir.
Posner accompanied by Scripps sings the last verse of âWhen I Survey the Wondrous Crossâ .
Dakin So all this religion, what do you do?
Scripps Go to church. Pray.
Dakin Yes?
Scripps Itâs so time-consuming. Youâve
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