Read Online The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes by Rudy A. Swale - Free Book Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
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ever going to get $100?”
A week after arriving back home from Mongolia, a guy wakes one morning to find his dick covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.”
The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”
The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis.”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Engrish doctah, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”
“Oh, thank goodness!” the man replies.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself... You save money.”
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only plastic wrap for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow up doll.
The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or Muslim doll?”
Confused the man says, “What’s the difference?”
“Well,” replies the woman, “the Muslim one blows herself up!”
The whales were fed up with ships crossing their feeding grounds, migration paths, and breeding areas, not to mention years of being hunted and killed, so they got together to decide what to do. Discussion continued until a plan of attack was proposed by their leader.
“What we will do, is gather in two groups, one behind the other. The first group will swim under each ship and blow together. This will create a huge bubble of air under the ship, which will capsize it, dropping the sailors into the water. The following group of whales will then gobble them up.”
After the cheering died down, one whale, towards the outside of the meeting slapped his tail on the water for attention.
The leader said, “Yes, Mervin? Do you have something to say?”
Mervin replied, “Well, I can go along with the blow job, but I won’t swallow any seamen.”
A man is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonely, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happens into specializes in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”
The parrot says, “With my penis, you dummy.”
The man is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well-educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish.”
The man says, “You sound like just what I am looking for.”
The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I bet he’ll sell.”
The man buys the parrot and for three months things go very well. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him about the latest sports results and what happened in politics that day.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”
The man says, “What’s up?”
The
A week after arriving back home from Mongolia, a guy wakes one morning to find his dick covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.”
The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”
The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis.”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Engrish doctah, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”
“Oh, thank goodness!” the man replies.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself... You save money.”
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only plastic wrap for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow up doll.
The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or Muslim doll?”
Confused the man says, “What’s the difference?”
“Well,” replies the woman, “the Muslim one blows herself up!”
The whales were fed up with ships crossing their feeding grounds, migration paths, and breeding areas, not to mention years of being hunted and killed, so they got together to decide what to do. Discussion continued until a plan of attack was proposed by their leader.
“What we will do, is gather in two groups, one behind the other. The first group will swim under each ship and blow together. This will create a huge bubble of air under the ship, which will capsize it, dropping the sailors into the water. The following group of whales will then gobble them up.”
After the cheering died down, one whale, towards the outside of the meeting slapped his tail on the water for attention.
The leader said, “Yes, Mervin? Do you have something to say?”
Mervin replied, “Well, I can go along with the blow job, but I won’t swallow any seamen.”
A man is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonely, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happens into specializes in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”
The parrot says, “With my penis, you dummy.”
The man is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well-educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish.”
The man says, “You sound like just what I am looking for.”
The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I bet he’ll sell.”
The man buys the parrot and for three months things go very well. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him about the latest sports results and what happened in politics that day.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”
The man says, “What’s up?”
The
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