Read Online The Gandhian Adventures of Raj & Iqbal: A Novel by Zubin J. Shroff - Free Book Online
Authors: Zubin J. Shroff
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sorry.
Sorry, said Iqbal, he is a silly bugger, but he means well.
Yes, I see, said Netaji.
Sorry, I said.
No matter, said Netaji, let us continue.
Okay, said Iqbal.
As I was saying, said Netaji, onion problems in Pakistan and China cause lots of social upheaval, and hence the government starts to feel pressure. And this pressure can be rebounded to India in the form of border attacks and other such nonsense that distracts the people from the onion problems. See, onion shortage becomes less of a problem if you can immediately create other bigger problems such as war.
So you are saying that decrease in onion exports from India to Pakistan and China can lead to war sometimes? asked Iqbal.
Not sometimes, said Netaji, all the time. All the previous wars were directly related to drop in Indian onion exports. If you study the correlations of failure of Indian onion crop with increase in border disputes, you will find a hundred percent correlation.
But correlation does not imply causation, I said with my one finger raised in the air for dramatic effect.
Netaji and Iqbal stared at me as if I had turned into a Bombay-duck.
Sorry, I said.
They did not say anything. I think they were shocked at my precise and timely comment. As I mentioned before, maths is my strong suit.
Netaji now looked at me and smiled and nodded. Yes, my silly friend. You are quite correct. But what if I told you that exactly one year prior to each border dispute, the onion crop had failed, leading to cancellation of onion exports?
That would still not guarantee causation, I said with confidence and perhaps some obstinence.
No, said Netaji, no guarantee, but there is strong indication, would you not agree?
Yes, I said.
Yes, said Iqbal.
Okay, so to continue to the crux of my point, said Netaji, every time India stops sending onions to Pakistan and China, they reply by sending missiles and soldiers.
That is not fair, I said.
Very rude, said Iqbal.
Netaji laughed. Yes, he said, unfair and rude, but not unexpected given the lack of good democratic government in Pakistan and China.
I do not follow, I said.
Iqbal was quiet. I could see he was thinking, but I could also see that he did not follow Netaji’s reasoning.
See, said Netaji, in these non-democratic countries, the rulers are in constant fear of revolution. And since it is very easy for these rulers to make rules, they can start border disputes with just one or two simple rulings.
I was still confused, but Iqbal was smiling.
Okay, said Iqbal, and since onion problem is the number one reason for revolution, when there is onion problem in non-democratic countries, the rulers create border disputes to distract the people. That is what you are trying to explain to us.
Yes, said Netaji.
Iqbal and I were quiet once again. The conversation was very complicated, and I was not sure if it was over or not. I thought about my wife, and I became hungry again.
So, said Netaji.
So, said Iqbal.
Okay, I said, shall we take leave then?
You Gandhians have had enough truth for one day? said Netaji.
Iqbal looked at me.
I made a sound.
Iqbal was still looking at me when I stopped making sounds.
No, I said, there can never be enough truth.
Netaji laughed. Good, he said, because you have not yet found out why my hydroponic onions are under lock and key.
It is obvious now, I said.
Okay, said Netaji, then explain it.
See, I said, when there is onion problem in India, you release your hydroponic onions to the Indian market to offset the problem. And so you must keep the onions locked up so that you can control the delivery and timing of said delivery. Simple.
Yes, said Iqbal, simple and patriotic.
Very much so, I said.
Netaji is indeed a great freedom fighter, said Iqbal.
Thank you, thank you, said Netaji, but you are all wrong about everything except the fact of my patriotism.
Again we were quiet.
Netaji leaned back in his chair and looked around the brightly lit room as if to make sure no one
Sorry, said Iqbal, he is a silly bugger, but he means well.
Yes, I see, said Netaji.
Sorry, I said.
No matter, said Netaji, let us continue.
Okay, said Iqbal.
As I was saying, said Netaji, onion problems in Pakistan and China cause lots of social upheaval, and hence the government starts to feel pressure. And this pressure can be rebounded to India in the form of border attacks and other such nonsense that distracts the people from the onion problems. See, onion shortage becomes less of a problem if you can immediately create other bigger problems such as war.
So you are saying that decrease in onion exports from India to Pakistan and China can lead to war sometimes? asked Iqbal.
Not sometimes, said Netaji, all the time. All the previous wars were directly related to drop in Indian onion exports. If you study the correlations of failure of Indian onion crop with increase in border disputes, you will find a hundred percent correlation.
But correlation does not imply causation, I said with my one finger raised in the air for dramatic effect.
Netaji and Iqbal stared at me as if I had turned into a Bombay-duck.
Sorry, I said.
They did not say anything. I think they were shocked at my precise and timely comment. As I mentioned before, maths is my strong suit.
Netaji now looked at me and smiled and nodded. Yes, my silly friend. You are quite correct. But what if I told you that exactly one year prior to each border dispute, the onion crop had failed, leading to cancellation of onion exports?
That would still not guarantee causation, I said with confidence and perhaps some obstinence.
No, said Netaji, no guarantee, but there is strong indication, would you not agree?
Yes, I said.
Yes, said Iqbal.
Okay, so to continue to the crux of my point, said Netaji, every time India stops sending onions to Pakistan and China, they reply by sending missiles and soldiers.
That is not fair, I said.
Very rude, said Iqbal.
Netaji laughed. Yes, he said, unfair and rude, but not unexpected given the lack of good democratic government in Pakistan and China.
I do not follow, I said.
Iqbal was quiet. I could see he was thinking, but I could also see that he did not follow Netaji’s reasoning.
See, said Netaji, in these non-democratic countries, the rulers are in constant fear of revolution. And since it is very easy for these rulers to make rules, they can start border disputes with just one or two simple rulings.
I was still confused, but Iqbal was smiling.
Okay, said Iqbal, and since onion problem is the number one reason for revolution, when there is onion problem in non-democratic countries, the rulers create border disputes to distract the people. That is what you are trying to explain to us.
Yes, said Netaji.
Iqbal and I were quiet once again. The conversation was very complicated, and I was not sure if it was over or not. I thought about my wife, and I became hungry again.
So, said Netaji.
So, said Iqbal.
Okay, I said, shall we take leave then?
You Gandhians have had enough truth for one day? said Netaji.
Iqbal looked at me.
I made a sound.
Iqbal was still looking at me when I stopped making sounds.
No, I said, there can never be enough truth.
Netaji laughed. Good, he said, because you have not yet found out why my hydroponic onions are under lock and key.
It is obvious now, I said.
Okay, said Netaji, then explain it.
See, I said, when there is onion problem in India, you release your hydroponic onions to the Indian market to offset the problem. And so you must keep the onions locked up so that you can control the delivery and timing of said delivery. Simple.
Yes, said Iqbal, simple and patriotic.
Very much so, I said.
Netaji is indeed a great freedom fighter, said Iqbal.
Thank you, thank you, said Netaji, but you are all wrong about everything except the fact of my patriotism.
Again we were quiet.
Netaji leaned back in his chair and looked around the brightly lit room as if to make sure no one
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