The Funny Thing Is...

Read Online The Funny Thing Is... by Ellen Degeneres - Free Book Online

Book: The Funny Thing Is... by Ellen Degeneres Read Free Book Online
Authors: Ellen Degeneres
Tags: Humor, Contemporary, Biography, Non-Fiction, Memoir, Autobiography, glbt
sometime during the first verse. (I suggest before “an endless skyway,” which is usually the last line anyone knows for sure in that song.)
    These, of course, are just a sampling of the many ways I’ve found to cut corners. You can always come up with your own methods; all it takes is a little imagination and that old mother of invention, desperation!
    And stay tuned… next week you’ll learn how to make your own perfume out of rotten fruit (and, of course, where to get your free parrot lessons). Until then…
    Helpfully hinting,

working it out
    Dieting has to be one of the hardest things for a human being to do—that is, besides parallel parking. And unless you’re a driving instructor or a valet, you know what I’m talking about. How many times have you found a spot on a crowded street and then, once you got ready to park, thought, “How am I supposed to fit this huge machine into that tiny rectangle of a space?” And then you remember, “That’s right, I have to
back into it
.” What better way to do something you’re already a little leery about doing than by doing it backwards? Meanwhile, cars are piling up behind you because they all want your space for themselves. You can actually feel their jealousy and impatience. The pressure is on. You check every mirror, turn all the way around in your seat, crank the wheel, step on the gas, and pray everything will work out. And most of the time it does, but only after you pull forward and back seventeen times so that you’re not too far away from the sidewalk or too close to the cars in front of or behind you. It’s precise, restrictive, and totally unnatural—just like dieting.
    When you decide to go on a diet, it’s never because you feel great and want to reward yourself by reducing your food intake and exercising more. The idea usually comes to you after you’ve gone bathing suit shopping or right before your high school reunion. You feel ugly, depressed, and totally unlovable. Let’s face it: These are not healthy states of mind for a major lifestyle change. These are feelings that make you want to curl up with a quart of Haagen-Dazs and watch the Lifetime network all day.
    Now, I’m not saying a made-for-TV movie starring Meredith Baxter doesn’t have its own healing powers. (In fact, that woman has gotten me through some very rough times.) But if you’re already down on yourself, lying on the couch watching reenactments of real-life heroism and eating as much ice cream as you can stomach is just a quick fix. Eventually, we all have to put the spoon down and get up off the couch.
    When I’m feeling flabby, here’s how I try to look at it: I’ve been on summer vacation with my body, and now it’s time to get back to school! Everyone knows you can’t learn anything at a school that has no teachers. This is why I recommend getting a personal trainer. Now, it sounds very “Hollywood” to have your own personal trainer, but, in fact, they have them at every gym anywhere in the country, maybe even the world, except Sweden. No one in Sweden goes to the gym. They’re all tall and thin and healthy eaters by nature. It’s something about the altitude and the fact that no starches are allowed in the country. I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere.
    The good thing about personal trainers is that they make you feel guilty. Sure, that sounds bad, but think about it. How many times have you seen someone who jogs around your neighborhood every day without fail and thought to yourself, “How do they do it?” The answer is, they feel guilty enough on their own to
themselves do it. Sure, if you asked them, they’d say something like, “Oh, I love to jog.” That’s just ridiculous. No one loves to jog, it’s painful and boring. People just feel like they have to. Getting a personal trainer is like buying that same guilty feeling, but with the extra bonus of disappointing someone besides yourself if you flake out. You practically

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