Read Online The Funny Thing Is... by Ellen Degeneres - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Ellen Degeneres
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you keep getting the nagging feeling that you’re not that smart? Well, I’ve got good news for you, my friend. You have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone!
Let’s face it: We’re all stupid. Each and every one of us. Oh sure, some people went to college and got degrees—big whoop! I could have done that. I stayed in school plenty long. As long as the law said I had to.
You see, scientists have proven that we only use 10% of our brain. And that’s on a good day. 10%! Let that figure roll around in your head a bit. You’ve got room enough—after all, you’re only using 10% of it. It’s just not that much, is it? I mean, imagine what we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.
Getting older doesn’t help the ol’ noggin either; let me tell you that. And I know I’m getting older because I just used the expression “oF noggin.” I’m not sure if it’s happening to everyone, but I’m slower than I used to be. My mind is definitely slowing down. Maybe it’s on a little vacation. Our brains need downtime just like our bodies. We sleep at night so our bodies can rest for a period. But our brains keep going with dreams. They never have a break. I would like my brain to cut down on the dreams and get back on the job for me during the day.
As I get older I’m losing my vocabulary too. It’s not funny. I can’t find words. Not even big words—just simple words. I’ll start talking and I can’t access a word I need. For instance, like… um… see, even now I can’t think of the word. I’m not sure what’s happening to me. It’s like there’s a Bermuda Triangle inside my brain, swallowing up all the words I’ve kept in there for forty-five years. Not that I spoke the first year, but I know I listened to words. I’m sure I absorbed things like, “She’s wet again. You can change her.” Or, “Boy, she’s a fat baby. When’s she gonna get some hair?” Or, “I sure hope she’s got some talent ‘cause she’s not much to look at.” Or, “That Studebaker sure is a good car. I’m investing all of our savings in
that
company.
“No, darling, let’s leave it in asbestos.”
“How ‘bout we do half and half?”
“That’s a great idea.”
And I’m sure you’ve experienced this one: You know when you’ve forgotten what you’re going to say even as it’s coming out of your mouth? You’re gabbing away to a friend, “Hey, you know what… ? What was I gonna say? What was I gonna say?” Now you’re forcing your friend to participate somehow. “Um, we were talking about floor lamps?”
“No…”
“Mariah Carey?”
“No!”
Suddenly it’s like you’re playing
The $10,000 Pyramid
. “Uh, things that taste like chicken? Things a monkey would wear!”
“Yes!! That’s right, we were talking about tiny hats.”
It’s terrible when you forget what you’re going to say after two words, but what’s worse than that, really, is forgetting what you’re going to say when you’ve been talking for a while. You know, like when you’re at a dinner party and a whole group of people are talking, discussing some heavy subject matter and you don’t really have an opinion on it. Then suddenly you think you do, so you jump right in there to share your opinion, and you realize you’ve actually got a pretty good opinion to share! When your friends hear this opinion, they’re going to be blown away by how smart you are. They had no idea that you were so smart, and they will be shocked and impressed that you would come up with such an interesting point of view. And you start congratulating yourself, and suddenly, since you’re feeling so good and you’re celebrating too soon, you completely forget the point you were trying to make. And you’re still talking. And they’re looking at you like you don’t know what you’re talking about, and you don’t, but you
Let’s face it: We’re all stupid. Each and every one of us. Oh sure, some people went to college and got degrees—big whoop! I could have done that. I stayed in school plenty long. As long as the law said I had to.
You see, scientists have proven that we only use 10% of our brain. And that’s on a good day. 10%! Let that figure roll around in your head a bit. You’ve got room enough—after all, you’re only using 10% of it. It’s just not that much, is it? I mean, imagine what we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.
Getting older doesn’t help the ol’ noggin either; let me tell you that. And I know I’m getting older because I just used the expression “oF noggin.” I’m not sure if it’s happening to everyone, but I’m slower than I used to be. My mind is definitely slowing down. Maybe it’s on a little vacation. Our brains need downtime just like our bodies. We sleep at night so our bodies can rest for a period. But our brains keep going with dreams. They never have a break. I would like my brain to cut down on the dreams and get back on the job for me during the day.
As I get older I’m losing my vocabulary too. It’s not funny. I can’t find words. Not even big words—just simple words. I’ll start talking and I can’t access a word I need. For instance, like… um… see, even now I can’t think of the word. I’m not sure what’s happening to me. It’s like there’s a Bermuda Triangle inside my brain, swallowing up all the words I’ve kept in there for forty-five years. Not that I spoke the first year, but I know I listened to words. I’m sure I absorbed things like, “She’s wet again. You can change her.” Or, “Boy, she’s a fat baby. When’s she gonna get some hair?” Or, “I sure hope she’s got some talent ‘cause she’s not much to look at.” Or, “That Studebaker sure is a good car. I’m investing all of our savings in
that
company.
“No, darling, let’s leave it in asbestos.”
“How ‘bout we do half and half?”
“That’s a great idea.”
And I’m sure you’ve experienced this one: You know when you’ve forgotten what you’re going to say even as it’s coming out of your mouth? You’re gabbing away to a friend, “Hey, you know what… ? What was I gonna say? What was I gonna say?” Now you’re forcing your friend to participate somehow. “Um, we were talking about floor lamps?”
“No…”
“Mariah Carey?”
“No!”
Suddenly it’s like you’re playing
The $10,000 Pyramid
. “Uh, things that taste like chicken? Things a monkey would wear!”
“Yes!! That’s right, we were talking about tiny hats.”
It’s terrible when you forget what you’re going to say after two words, but what’s worse than that, really, is forgetting what you’re going to say when you’ve been talking for a while. You know, like when you’re at a dinner party and a whole group of people are talking, discussing some heavy subject matter and you don’t really have an opinion on it. Then suddenly you think you do, so you jump right in there to share your opinion, and you realize you’ve actually got a pretty good opinion to share! When your friends hear this opinion, they’re going to be blown away by how smart you are. They had no idea that you were so smart, and they will be shocked and impressed that you would come up with such an interesting point of view. And you start congratulating yourself, and suddenly, since you’re feeling so good and you’re celebrating too soon, you completely forget the point you were trying to make. And you’re still talking. And they’re looking at you like you don’t know what you’re talking about, and you don’t, but you
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