Read Online The First Time is the Hardest: An Austin Brothers Novella (Austin Brothers Series Book 1) by L A Cotton - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: L A Cotton
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what?”
“You know what.”
“I can’t help it, Ryan. Last night, what we did-”
“Don’t, Mila.”
With a heavy sigh, I closed my eyes and pressed further in Ryan’s side. The heat of his body encased me, and I couldn’t help but remember last night. Our bodies tangled, moving as one. Nothing about it had felt wrong … then, but now, now, the guilt was overpowering and a little destabilizing.
We lay there in silence. Ryan was so still; I thought he might be sleeping, but every now and again, his fingers danced over my skin, and I knew he was considering, like me, how this would change things.
Because it would change things.
When my family—especially my brothers—found out about this, they wouldn't understand. I'd already asked Tanner for space to deal in my own way, but Chase and Colton wouldn't go as easy on me. Especially Chase, who seemed to have an issue with Ryan. Although he’d never said anything to me, I think there was some bad blood from when they were in high school together. And I didn't even want to imagine what Carol and Peter would think when they found out. I was the daughter they never had. Would they still love me if they knew I was here, lying wrapped in the arms of their less favored son? The son they'd told they wished had been in the car accident instead of Lucas.
The son I’d held out for, for the last four years.
Another bolt of guilt shot through me, so forceful my body jolted.
“Hey,” Ryan said, his voice full of concern. “What is it?” His fingers slid underneath my jaw tilting my face up to meet his gaze. “Mila?”
“I- maybe this wasn't such a good idea, Ryan.”
Hurt flashed in his eyes, but Ryan recovered quickly, clenching his jaw tightly. “You regret it?”
“Stop. That's not what I said.”
“I can see it written all over you face.” Ryan pulled his arm away from me and rolled to the edge of the bed, sitting up, head hung low, his back to me.
“Ryan ...”
“You think I wanted this? To fall for my dead brother’s girl? Is that what you think?” He laughed bitterly.
Tears stung behind my eyes. I wanted to go to Ryan, to make him understand, but he'd pulled the wall down around him. I felt it slam into place the second the words left his mouth.
“If I'm such an inconvenience, then what the hell are you doing here with me?” I snapped.
He glanced over his shoulder. It wasn't enough for me to see his eyes, but I knew what they reflected. Because I felt it too.
The confusion.
The pain.
… the regret.
I guess it was true; things were so much clearer in the harsh light of day. This— us —could never work.
“I should go.” I pushed back the sheet and draped my legs over the edge of the bed. Scooping up my shirt, I pulled it over my head and started the search for my pants. Neither of us spoke, the weight of last night almost too much to bear. I dressed quickly. I just needed my left shoe but couldn't see it anywhere.
“Where are you?” I muttered to myself shooting Ryan a quick glance. He still sat on the edge of the bed, motionless. Ducking down to search under the bed, I misjudged and butted the frame of the bed. “Shit,” I cried sitting up, a hand pressed to the sore spot.
“Mila?” Ryan dropped down in front of me, startling me.
“Look at me. I'm a mess.”
His fingers brushed across my head, and I winced.
“Come on, I'll get you some ice.”
“But my shoe-”
“Is over by the dresser.”
I looked over, and sure enough, there it was. “Why didn't you just say so?”
Ryan shrugged. Helping me to my feet, he guided me to the bed. I sat and waited while he fetched ice and a towel. “Here, this should take away the sting.”
I fought back the tears, but they won, streaming down my face. I don't know if they were for the pain or for Lucas or for us. But they wouldn't stop coming. Eventually, Ryan kneeled down in front of me and wrapped me in his arms, and I let him.
It was becoming a pattern with us.
“I'm
“You know what.”
“I can’t help it, Ryan. Last night, what we did-”
“Don’t, Mila.”
With a heavy sigh, I closed my eyes and pressed further in Ryan’s side. The heat of his body encased me, and I couldn’t help but remember last night. Our bodies tangled, moving as one. Nothing about it had felt wrong … then, but now, now, the guilt was overpowering and a little destabilizing.
We lay there in silence. Ryan was so still; I thought he might be sleeping, but every now and again, his fingers danced over my skin, and I knew he was considering, like me, how this would change things.
Because it would change things.
When my family—especially my brothers—found out about this, they wouldn't understand. I'd already asked Tanner for space to deal in my own way, but Chase and Colton wouldn't go as easy on me. Especially Chase, who seemed to have an issue with Ryan. Although he’d never said anything to me, I think there was some bad blood from when they were in high school together. And I didn't even want to imagine what Carol and Peter would think when they found out. I was the daughter they never had. Would they still love me if they knew I was here, lying wrapped in the arms of their less favored son? The son they'd told they wished had been in the car accident instead of Lucas.
The son I’d held out for, for the last four years.
Another bolt of guilt shot through me, so forceful my body jolted.
“Hey,” Ryan said, his voice full of concern. “What is it?” His fingers slid underneath my jaw tilting my face up to meet his gaze. “Mila?”
“I- maybe this wasn't such a good idea, Ryan.”
Hurt flashed in his eyes, but Ryan recovered quickly, clenching his jaw tightly. “You regret it?”
“Stop. That's not what I said.”
“I can see it written all over you face.” Ryan pulled his arm away from me and rolled to the edge of the bed, sitting up, head hung low, his back to me.
“Ryan ...”
“You think I wanted this? To fall for my dead brother’s girl? Is that what you think?” He laughed bitterly.
Tears stung behind my eyes. I wanted to go to Ryan, to make him understand, but he'd pulled the wall down around him. I felt it slam into place the second the words left his mouth.
“If I'm such an inconvenience, then what the hell are you doing here with me?” I snapped.
He glanced over his shoulder. It wasn't enough for me to see his eyes, but I knew what they reflected. Because I felt it too.
The confusion.
The pain.
… the regret.
I guess it was true; things were so much clearer in the harsh light of day. This— us —could never work.
“I should go.” I pushed back the sheet and draped my legs over the edge of the bed. Scooping up my shirt, I pulled it over my head and started the search for my pants. Neither of us spoke, the weight of last night almost too much to bear. I dressed quickly. I just needed my left shoe but couldn't see it anywhere.
“Where are you?” I muttered to myself shooting Ryan a quick glance. He still sat on the edge of the bed, motionless. Ducking down to search under the bed, I misjudged and butted the frame of the bed. “Shit,” I cried sitting up, a hand pressed to the sore spot.
“Mila?” Ryan dropped down in front of me, startling me.
“Look at me. I'm a mess.”
His fingers brushed across my head, and I winced.
“Come on, I'll get you some ice.”
“But my shoe-”
“Is over by the dresser.”
I looked over, and sure enough, there it was. “Why didn't you just say so?”
Ryan shrugged. Helping me to my feet, he guided me to the bed. I sat and waited while he fetched ice and a towel. “Here, this should take away the sting.”
I fought back the tears, but they won, streaming down my face. I don't know if they were for the pain or for Lucas or for us. But they wouldn't stop coming. Eventually, Ryan kneeled down in front of me and wrapped me in his arms, and I let him.
It was becoming a pattern with us.
“I'm
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