idea what he was talking about, though I later found out it was needlepoint. âEileen has your travel.â
I went back and told Rensselaer what was happening. âJesus,â he said. âI canât believe I got you to quit school for this. I thought I was managing him.â I said it was okay, but when I got to Rosey Grier and the unicorn, he said, âSee, heâs actually losing it. Thatâs what I didnât count on.â
Jillian came over and said, âCerise is nice, but two months? God. When are you going?â
âFriday.â
âIâll make you a kit,â she said, and the night before I left we had dinner at the Thai restaurant on Stovall Street. It was the first time since the Swedish book night that Iâd seen herwithout the friends. When she put down her menu she said, âDo you ever get this big feeling of well-being for no reason? Just really happy all of a sudden?â
âYes,â I said. âI think so. Like you go outside and everything looks perfect? I think I get that about twice a year for, like, twenty minutes. Is that the kind of thing?â
She nodded, but her look gave me the feeling Iâd just blown it, that she spent whole seasons in that condition and that forty minutes a year was the record low score. She picked up a canvas knapsack from the seat next to her and handed it to me.
âYour kit,â she said. Inside were three sweet potato mini-pies from the Lofton Street Bakery, a beer from Riddenhauerâs, a George Jones CD, a novel about fly-fishing, and a topographic map of the area I was going to.
âThanks,â I said. âYou went crazy.â
âNot at all. Itâs the minimum of what youâll need.â She opened the map and pointed to a whorl of elevation lines. âMegan and Steve and I camped up here. If you take this trail thereâs like fifteen waterfalls on the way.â
âDo you go a lot?â
âAs much as I can,â she said. âEven if itâs just over by Jonesboro in the Shawnee Forest. Sometimes just putting the big socks on gives me that feeling you were talking about. When people tell me their problems I want to say, âBuy a pair of hiking shoes and call me when theyâre worn out.â Most of them would never have to call.â
âI wondered about that.â
âWhat?â
âWhen I met you,â I said. âYou were wearing that vest and the boots and everything. I was wondering if that was something you really did or, you know. A style.â
âLick rocks,â she said, drawing herself up in the booth andsaying it with the same mock umbrage she used on the friends. I felt both anointed and doomed, as if Iâd been grandfathered into those photo collages and stuck safely to construction paper, mugging at a bowling alley birthday party or making cowboy coffee in a national wilderness.
Later, though, when she was dropping me off and I already had the car door open, she said, âHenry?â I turned to face her and she was on me with a kiss that lasted twelve seconds and crossed the blood-brain barrier. When it was over I tried to do it again but she pulled back, shook her head, and said, âI donât know what that was. Call me when you get settled, okay?â
I went up to my apartment. It occurred to me that it couldnât have been Jillian whoâd said, âFuck you,â to Rensselaer the first time he called me. She didnât talk like that. Maybe it was Suzanne.
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I was almost at the ticket counter of the Clayton bus station when I realized that the clerk was the woman who lived across the hall from me, wearing makeup that made her look a little less spectral than she did at home. I stopped for a second but then continued to the window and said, âHi, how are you?â
She said, âCan I help you?â as if she didnât recognize me.
I bought a round-trip ticket and asked, âHow
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