Read Online The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley, Greg Smalley, Michael Smalley, Robert S. Paul - Free Book Online Page B
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They look back and see the same pattern playing itself out in every major argument of their marriage. They recognized the pattern early on, but they had no clue how to break it. Either Erin or Greg withdrew, and even though things eventually calmed down, they always seemed to return to the same hurtful dance.
Their habits didn’t change until they finally understood the steps in the Fear Dance and the choices they had to break the rhythm of dance and learn some important new dance steps.
Does any of this sound the least bit familiar? Can you see yourself in the actions of Greg and Erin? The truth is, we face these dynamics not only in marriage but also in every other relationship. The Fear Dance, unfortunately, is a universal dance. Do you see a Fear Dance in your troubled relationships? Do people push your fear buttons? How do you react?
The Steps in the Fear Dance
So, what are the steps in the Fear Dance? The diagram traces the steps of the dance, what goes on inside us, and how our actions cause the same or similar patterns in others.
Let’s look again at Greg and Erin’s story to see if we can see the four Fear Dance steps: hurt, want, fear, and react.
Let’s start with Erin. The situation began when Greg redecorated the room without talking it over with her.
1. Erin hurts. Remember the DNA truth here: The problem is rarely the problem. The problem isn’t that Greg redecorated the room; some wives would love that! The problem is that he doesn’t think Erin’s opinions were valuable enough to talk with her before he did it. Erin feels hurt by that.
2. Erin wants. She wants to be validated, to have Greg value her feelings, ideas, and pain. She wants him to value the fact that she felt left out of a decision that ultimately caused her physical pain and broke her collection of figurines. She wants her husband to meet her needs. She sees him not only as the cause of their problem but also as the solution to all her wants. She wants Greg to change his behavior so that she doesn’t feel invalidated anymore.
3. Erin fears. When Erin senses Greg’s unwillingness and inability to fulfill those wants, she fears that she will be invalidated. Ultimately, she fears loss of connection from Greg. She thinks, If he doesn’t value who I am, what I do, or how I feel, then maybe he won’t want to be around me .
4. Erin reacts. Out of her fear, Erin reacts and starts shouting at Greg. She demands, “Why did you move our bedroom around without asking me first?” She continues to shout at him, belittling him, and criticizing him. She chooses all of her words simply to get him to change his behavior because she is convinced that he is her problem.
Now let’s take a look at what happens in Greg as Erin is reacting to her hurt, wants, and fear.
1. Greg hurts. When Erin starts to bombard Greg with questions and criticism, he feels hurt. He can’t understand why she can’t see that the whole thing was an accident. Something he intended to be good is suddenly turning into a disaster. He feels hurt.
2. Greg wants . He wants to feel successful as a husband. He wants his wife to fulfill his wants, to help him feel successful. He sees her not only as the cause of their problem but also as the solution to all his wants.
3. Greg fears. When Greg senses that Erin is unwilling to help him feel successful, he fears that he is a failure. He thinks, I’m a lousy husband. I hurt my wife; I can’t do anything right.
4.Greg reacts. Out of his fear, Greg reacts by shouting back because he feels like a failure. He wants Erin to change her behavior so that he doesn’t keep feeling like a failure. She is his problem. “Erin, I didn’t know that you want me to ask your permission before I move furniture. If you want me to check things out with you before, you need to let me know these things. I’m not a mind reader. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? What happened, happened. It was just an accident. You’re not
Their habits didn’t change until they finally understood the steps in the Fear Dance and the choices they had to break the rhythm of dance and learn some important new dance steps.
Does any of this sound the least bit familiar? Can you see yourself in the actions of Greg and Erin? The truth is, we face these dynamics not only in marriage but also in every other relationship. The Fear Dance, unfortunately, is a universal dance. Do you see a Fear Dance in your troubled relationships? Do people push your fear buttons? How do you react?
The Steps in the Fear Dance
So, what are the steps in the Fear Dance? The diagram traces the steps of the dance, what goes on inside us, and how our actions cause the same or similar patterns in others.
Let’s look again at Greg and Erin’s story to see if we can see the four Fear Dance steps: hurt, want, fear, and react.
Let’s start with Erin. The situation began when Greg redecorated the room without talking it over with her.
1. Erin hurts. Remember the DNA truth here: The problem is rarely the problem. The problem isn’t that Greg redecorated the room; some wives would love that! The problem is that he doesn’t think Erin’s opinions were valuable enough to talk with her before he did it. Erin feels hurt by that.
2. Erin wants. She wants to be validated, to have Greg value her feelings, ideas, and pain. She wants him to value the fact that she felt left out of a decision that ultimately caused her physical pain and broke her collection of figurines. She wants her husband to meet her needs. She sees him not only as the cause of their problem but also as the solution to all her wants. She wants Greg to change his behavior so that she doesn’t feel invalidated anymore.
3. Erin fears. When Erin senses Greg’s unwillingness and inability to fulfill those wants, she fears that she will be invalidated. Ultimately, she fears loss of connection from Greg. She thinks, If he doesn’t value who I am, what I do, or how I feel, then maybe he won’t want to be around me .
4. Erin reacts. Out of her fear, Erin reacts and starts shouting at Greg. She demands, “Why did you move our bedroom around without asking me first?” She continues to shout at him, belittling him, and criticizing him. She chooses all of her words simply to get him to change his behavior because she is convinced that he is her problem.
Now let’s take a look at what happens in Greg as Erin is reacting to her hurt, wants, and fear.
1. Greg hurts. When Erin starts to bombard Greg with questions and criticism, he feels hurt. He can’t understand why she can’t see that the whole thing was an accident. Something he intended to be good is suddenly turning into a disaster. He feels hurt.
2. Greg wants . He wants to feel successful as a husband. He wants his wife to fulfill his wants, to help him feel successful. He sees her not only as the cause of their problem but also as the solution to all his wants.
3. Greg fears. When Greg senses that Erin is unwilling to help him feel successful, he fears that he is a failure. He thinks, I’m a lousy husband. I hurt my wife; I can’t do anything right.
4.Greg reacts. Out of his fear, Greg reacts by shouting back because he feels like a failure. He wants Erin to change her behavior so that he doesn’t keep feeling like a failure. She is his problem. “Erin, I didn’t know that you want me to ask your permission before I move furniture. If you want me to check things out with you before, you need to let me know these things. I’m not a mind reader. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? What happened, happened. It was just an accident. You’re not
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