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something is wrong with me, as if I’m the problem
8. Inadequate, as if I just don’t measure up to others like I should
9. Pained both emotionally and physically
10. Hypocritical or like a phony
11. Inferior, as if I’m being placed below everyone else in value (belittled)
12. Cheated or ripped off or taken advantage of
13. Invalidated, as if my words and actions are being ignored or devalued
14. Unfulfilled, as if what is happening to me will lead to a dissatisfied life
15. Humiliated, as if I have no dignity or self-respect
16. Manipulated, as if others are deceiving me
17. Isolated, as if others are planning to ignore me
I encourage you to “nail” your fear in a way that really clicks for you. The steps for building solid relationships that I’m about to lay out in the rest of this book will work much better for you when you clearly identify your core fear. Then, all of a sudden the whole world opens up. I’ve seen it happen time after time.
The Fear Dance
Identifying your core fear is important because fear is the music that starts the relationship dance Greg and Bob’s team identified in the couples who came to the marriage intensives. The team called that dance the Fear Dance. You would think that the Fear Dance is not a dance anyone would choose to do. You would think most people would rather do a Love Dance or a Joy Dance, something positive. But unless we understand the Fear Dance and how we can choose not to do it, it seems to be the default dance in most relationships.
So how does the Fear Dance work? Let’s look at an event from the lives of my son Greg and his wife, Erin. Read the following story, understanding their core fears: Greg’s core fear is a fear of failure ; Erin’s core fear is a fear of invalidation , of not being valued for what she says and does.
One night while Erin was working the evening shift at the hospital, Greg was bored, and since he loves to decorate the house, he decided to change the arrangement of the master bedroom furniture. Erin usually loves what he does. He moved the bed, repositioned the knickknacks and their shelves, relocated the dresser, and generally gave the room a new look. Then he went to bed and turned out the lights.
When Erin got home hours later, she didn’t switch on the lights because she didn’t want to wake Greg. She tiptoed into the bedroom and immediately smashed her shin on a table that hadn’t been there when she left for work. She tripped and crashed into a pair of antique skis that were placed against the wall. The skis in turn tumbled onto a shelf containing all her beloved Precious Moments figurines, shattering most of her treasures, which continued to fall until they smacked onto Greg’s head.
The combination of breaking glass, falling objects, and screams awakened Greg. He bolted from bed, forgot that he had moved everything, and ran straight into the wall, bloodying his nose. Not one of your typical nights.
When the lights came on, they began shouting at each other. Erin criticized Greg for moving the furniture without first talking with her about it; her angry words made Greg feel like a failure. Greg minimized Erin’s concerns and defended his decision to redecorate the bedroom; his words made her feel as if her opinions didn’t matter. The shouting and defending and sarcasm continued—and the Fear Dance was in full swing.
Do you see it? They pushed each other’s fear buttons. Erin pushed Greg’s “fear of failure” button. Greg pushed Erin’s “fear of invalidation” button. It’s all they needed for a wild night of dancing. It’s amazing how we all try to get the other person to stop making us feel “failed” or “invalidated” or whatever core fear we have. In reality, others are simply revealing our core fear and giving us an opportunity to choose a better course of action that allows us to deal with our core fear in a healthy way.
The sad thing is, Greg and Erin did the same destructive dance for years.
8. Inadequate, as if I just don’t measure up to others like I should
9. Pained both emotionally and physically
10. Hypocritical or like a phony
11. Inferior, as if I’m being placed below everyone else in value (belittled)
12. Cheated or ripped off or taken advantage of
13. Invalidated, as if my words and actions are being ignored or devalued
14. Unfulfilled, as if what is happening to me will lead to a dissatisfied life
15. Humiliated, as if I have no dignity or self-respect
16. Manipulated, as if others are deceiving me
17. Isolated, as if others are planning to ignore me
I encourage you to “nail” your fear in a way that really clicks for you. The steps for building solid relationships that I’m about to lay out in the rest of this book will work much better for you when you clearly identify your core fear. Then, all of a sudden the whole world opens up. I’ve seen it happen time after time.
The Fear Dance
Identifying your core fear is important because fear is the music that starts the relationship dance Greg and Bob’s team identified in the couples who came to the marriage intensives. The team called that dance the Fear Dance. You would think that the Fear Dance is not a dance anyone would choose to do. You would think most people would rather do a Love Dance or a Joy Dance, something positive. But unless we understand the Fear Dance and how we can choose not to do it, it seems to be the default dance in most relationships.
So how does the Fear Dance work? Let’s look at an event from the lives of my son Greg and his wife, Erin. Read the following story, understanding their core fears: Greg’s core fear is a fear of failure ; Erin’s core fear is a fear of invalidation , of not being valued for what she says and does.
One night while Erin was working the evening shift at the hospital, Greg was bored, and since he loves to decorate the house, he decided to change the arrangement of the master bedroom furniture. Erin usually loves what he does. He moved the bed, repositioned the knickknacks and their shelves, relocated the dresser, and generally gave the room a new look. Then he went to bed and turned out the lights.
When Erin got home hours later, she didn’t switch on the lights because she didn’t want to wake Greg. She tiptoed into the bedroom and immediately smashed her shin on a table that hadn’t been there when she left for work. She tripped and crashed into a pair of antique skis that were placed against the wall. The skis in turn tumbled onto a shelf containing all her beloved Precious Moments figurines, shattering most of her treasures, which continued to fall until they smacked onto Greg’s head.
The combination of breaking glass, falling objects, and screams awakened Greg. He bolted from bed, forgot that he had moved everything, and ran straight into the wall, bloodying his nose. Not one of your typical nights.
When the lights came on, they began shouting at each other. Erin criticized Greg for moving the furniture without first talking with her about it; her angry words made Greg feel like a failure. Greg minimized Erin’s concerns and defended his decision to redecorate the bedroom; his words made her feel as if her opinions didn’t matter. The shouting and defending and sarcasm continued—and the Fear Dance was in full swing.
Do you see it? They pushed each other’s fear buttons. Erin pushed Greg’s “fear of failure” button. Greg pushed Erin’s “fear of invalidation” button. It’s all they needed for a wild night of dancing. It’s amazing how we all try to get the other person to stop making us feel “failed” or “invalidated” or whatever core fear we have. In reality, others are simply revealing our core fear and giving us an opportunity to choose a better course of action that allows us to deal with our core fear in a healthy way.
The sad thing is, Greg and Erin did the same destructive dance for years.
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