sound was sad, panicked.
I saw myself step forward and slide down into the ravine. The snow at the bottom went up to my knees, and I struggled through it. Once I got close, I reached out to him then stopped.
I didn’t know what I was going to do.
The ravine was deep and I didn’t have the strength left to pull him out. Even if I could’ve, I knew there was no way I’d be able to carry him all the way back to the motel.
It was too late.
There was nothing I could do.
Syl was breathing hard, moaning, trying to turn over. I told myself I had to go, that I had to climb out and walk away, but I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t leave him, not like that.
I stepped closer and pulled him over onto his back.
When I did, he looked right at me, his eyes distant and unfocused. He turned his head from one side to the other before coming back to me. This time I saw a flash of clarity on his face, then understanding, then fear.
“I know you,” he said.
His voice was dry and thin.
I backed away.
The pain in my head was blinding.
Syl lifted one hand and tried to say something else, but all that came out was a long rush of air.
I started climbing out of the ravine.
Syl cried out, his hand shook.
I kept climbing.
When I got to the top, I could hear him shuffling around, trying to speak, trying to sit up. Once again, I told myself there was nothing I could do, that he was too far gone to help. I told myself I had to keep going, that he wasn’t going to make it no matter what I did.
I wasn’t sure if that was true or not, but it was enough to get me moving again.
As I walked away, I could hear him coughing but I didn’t look back. Sometimes I’d hear him crying out to me in that weak, dry voice, and every time he did, I felt something shrink inside me.
I tried to focus on Sara and the baby. I told myself I had to do what was right for them, that they were counting on me, and that I had to be strong.
No matter what, I had to be strong.
When I got far enough away I stopped and looked back at the tree and watched it lean and sway under the weight of the snow.
It was my last chance.
I knew if I didn’t do something, Syl was going to freeze out there. If I didn’t help, it would be the same as if I’d held a gun to his head and pulled the trigger.
In my heart I knew that I couldn’t leave him out there to die, that it wasn’t inside me, it wasn’t who I was.
But in the end, that’s exactly what I did.
13
I followed my footprints out of the field, and by the time I reached the edge of the playground I could barely stand up. The pain behind my eyes screamed through me, making it almost impossible to stay on my feet.
I could see the turtle up ahead, and I locked on to it and forced myself to move forward. When I got to it, I stopped and leaned against its shell. I felt my legs wobble under me and then a forest of black flowers bloomed behind my eyes. The world spun and I turned to the side and vomited into the snow.
It scared me enough to keep moving.
When I walked out of the playground, my foot hit something buried in the snow and I fell forward. I tried to push myself up, but there was no strength in my arms.
I stayed there, facedown, listening to my breathing, and feeling the snow burn numb against my skin.
I closed my eyes, and all I could think about was Vincent, and that it should’ve been me.
I don’t know how much time passed, but when I looked up I could see the corner of our building through the snow.
It was so close.
I pushed myself up enough to get my legs under me, then I stood and staggered the rest of the way through the parking lot. When I reached our building, I stopped and leaned against the side.
Dark shadows crept in from the corners of my vision, and I leaned forward and waited for them to pass. When they did, I inched along the wall to our room.
Once I got to the door, I saw a tiny red light floating in the air across the parking lot. At first, I thought it was my vision playing
I saw myself step forward and slide down into the ravine. The snow at the bottom went up to my knees, and I struggled through it. Once I got close, I reached out to him then stopped.
I didn’t know what I was going to do.
The ravine was deep and I didn’t have the strength left to pull him out. Even if I could’ve, I knew there was no way I’d be able to carry him all the way back to the motel.
It was too late.
There was nothing I could do.
Syl was breathing hard, moaning, trying to turn over. I told myself I had to go, that I had to climb out and walk away, but I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t leave him, not like that.
I stepped closer and pulled him over onto his back.
When I did, he looked right at me, his eyes distant and unfocused. He turned his head from one side to the other before coming back to me. This time I saw a flash of clarity on his face, then understanding, then fear.
“I know you,” he said.
His voice was dry and thin.
I backed away.
The pain in my head was blinding.
Syl lifted one hand and tried to say something else, but all that came out was a long rush of air.
I started climbing out of the ravine.
Syl cried out, his hand shook.
I kept climbing.
When I got to the top, I could hear him shuffling around, trying to speak, trying to sit up. Once again, I told myself there was nothing I could do, that he was too far gone to help. I told myself I had to keep going, that he wasn’t going to make it no matter what I did.
I wasn’t sure if that was true or not, but it was enough to get me moving again.
As I walked away, I could hear him coughing but I didn’t look back. Sometimes I’d hear him crying out to me in that weak, dry voice, and every time he did, I felt something shrink inside me.
I tried to focus on Sara and the baby. I told myself I had to do what was right for them, that they were counting on me, and that I had to be strong.
No matter what, I had to be strong.
When I got far enough away I stopped and looked back at the tree and watched it lean and sway under the weight of the snow.
It was my last chance.
I knew if I didn’t do something, Syl was going to freeze out there. If I didn’t help, it would be the same as if I’d held a gun to his head and pulled the trigger.
In my heart I knew that I couldn’t leave him out there to die, that it wasn’t inside me, it wasn’t who I was.
But in the end, that’s exactly what I did.
13
I followed my footprints out of the field, and by the time I reached the edge of the playground I could barely stand up. The pain behind my eyes screamed through me, making it almost impossible to stay on my feet.
I could see the turtle up ahead, and I locked on to it and forced myself to move forward. When I got to it, I stopped and leaned against its shell. I felt my legs wobble under me and then a forest of black flowers bloomed behind my eyes. The world spun and I turned to the side and vomited into the snow.
It scared me enough to keep moving.
When I walked out of the playground, my foot hit something buried in the snow and I fell forward. I tried to push myself up, but there was no strength in my arms.
I stayed there, facedown, listening to my breathing, and feeling the snow burn numb against my skin.
I closed my eyes, and all I could think about was Vincent, and that it should’ve been me.
I don’t know how much time passed, but when I looked up I could see the corner of our building through the snow.
It was so close.
I pushed myself up enough to get my legs under me, then I stood and staggered the rest of the way through the parking lot. When I reached our building, I stopped and leaned against the side.
Dark shadows crept in from the corners of my vision, and I leaned forward and waited for them to pass. When they did, I inched along the wall to our room.
Once I got to the door, I saw a tiny red light floating in the air across the parking lot. At first, I thought it was my vision playing
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