available, wooing her, but nothing was working. She was scared and I didn’t know where. I was assuming, thinking it was maybe the Gavin situation, but she seemed to move past that. I wondered if it was another man, but she wasn’t that type of woman. I was losing her and she was right under my nose.
Jackson kept giving me reports on her, even when he lost track of her a few times. She changed cars with her employees. Maybe he contacted her in some way.
This shit was making me crazy. My secretary called out for the week, because she apparently could not deal with me on my period. If I could find someone as efficient as her, I’d fire her ass for that comment. I did ask her if she was incompetent and I might have raised my voice loud enough for people to come out of their offices, including Matt. I did ask everyone what the fuck they were looking at and all except Matt shrunk back into their respective places.
It was happening, I was about to lose my shit.
Something had to be done.
I texted Xena:
- Dinner tomorrow at 7?
There was no immediate response from her. She probably wouldn’t respond until later and I was almost certain there would be an excuse to why she could not go. I had a good mind to kidnap her ass. Sending me through all of these changes. My brain couldn’t concentrate at all and there was no real reason for me to be at work.
I sent Matt an email telling him, I was leaving early.
No response from him either.
Rarely did I feel alone in the world, since I was always surrounded around people. Needy people that wanted something from me. The most consistent friend that I had was my brother and after him came Xena. Two relationships I fought hard to keep intact, mostly with Xena now, but when we were kids, our father used to try to put me and Matt against each other. He knew if we bonded, we’d overthrow his ass. The man was smart, but ass mean drunk. He would beat on our mother in front of us, just so we would listen to him. When I became of age, I told my mom to leave. Encouraged her to go. She refused. Then I started drinking and drinking more. The pain in her eyes, when she saw me throwing up red stuff in the basement was devastating. She put me in a rehab center for six months, but my only concern was Matt and her. With me out of the house, he would terrorize them to no end. They didn’t come to see me, because he wouldn’t allow it. Matt would sneak and write me letters, but I couldn’t write him back. He begged me to get better, so we could leave and never come back. We had planned on it for years. I was about to be 18 and since I had more credits than I needed, I was able to graduate on time despite being out of school for so long.
Matt was a year behind me, so we stayed until he graduated. Our plan was to graduate, go to college far away and stay away. We begged our mother to come with us. She refused. She maintained that somebody needed to take care of him. The very first time I cursed in front of my mother, knowingly was that day.
“Fuck him!” I yelled. “He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of us and you remain by his side?”
It wasn’t a question, but a statement of fact. At that point, my timid mother of nineteen years, smacked me across my face. She even shocked herself, ran to me crying and apologizing. I remember holding her as we slid to the ground in the kitchen floor. Matt walked in on us and just sat there, waiting for her to get it all out. After she did, her last words were,
“You boys go and be better. Do better. Your father is sick and that’s the grave I signed up for. You’re not sick.” She looked at me. “You’re not like him. Never was. You go. I’ll miss ya dearly. I will.” Tears started streaming down her eyes. “But you can’t stay here like this. I know it.” She looked at Matt. “You take the world in the palm of your hands and make it yours. Ya hear me.” Turning back towards me. “Make it yours.”
The ‘make it yours’ was
Jackson kept giving me reports on her, even when he lost track of her a few times. She changed cars with her employees. Maybe he contacted her in some way.
This shit was making me crazy. My secretary called out for the week, because she apparently could not deal with me on my period. If I could find someone as efficient as her, I’d fire her ass for that comment. I did ask her if she was incompetent and I might have raised my voice loud enough for people to come out of their offices, including Matt. I did ask everyone what the fuck they were looking at and all except Matt shrunk back into their respective places.
It was happening, I was about to lose my shit.
Something had to be done.
I texted Xena:
- Dinner tomorrow at 7?
There was no immediate response from her. She probably wouldn’t respond until later and I was almost certain there would be an excuse to why she could not go. I had a good mind to kidnap her ass. Sending me through all of these changes. My brain couldn’t concentrate at all and there was no real reason for me to be at work.
I sent Matt an email telling him, I was leaving early.
No response from him either.
Rarely did I feel alone in the world, since I was always surrounded around people. Needy people that wanted something from me. The most consistent friend that I had was my brother and after him came Xena. Two relationships I fought hard to keep intact, mostly with Xena now, but when we were kids, our father used to try to put me and Matt against each other. He knew if we bonded, we’d overthrow his ass. The man was smart, but ass mean drunk. He would beat on our mother in front of us, just so we would listen to him. When I became of age, I told my mom to leave. Encouraged her to go. She refused. Then I started drinking and drinking more. The pain in her eyes, when she saw me throwing up red stuff in the basement was devastating. She put me in a rehab center for six months, but my only concern was Matt and her. With me out of the house, he would terrorize them to no end. They didn’t come to see me, because he wouldn’t allow it. Matt would sneak and write me letters, but I couldn’t write him back. He begged me to get better, so we could leave and never come back. We had planned on it for years. I was about to be 18 and since I had more credits than I needed, I was able to graduate on time despite being out of school for so long.
Matt was a year behind me, so we stayed until he graduated. Our plan was to graduate, go to college far away and stay away. We begged our mother to come with us. She refused. She maintained that somebody needed to take care of him. The very first time I cursed in front of my mother, knowingly was that day.
“Fuck him!” I yelled. “He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of us and you remain by his side?”
It wasn’t a question, but a statement of fact. At that point, my timid mother of nineteen years, smacked me across my face. She even shocked herself, ran to me crying and apologizing. I remember holding her as we slid to the ground in the kitchen floor. Matt walked in on us and just sat there, waiting for her to get it all out. After she did, her last words were,
“You boys go and be better. Do better. Your father is sick and that’s the grave I signed up for. You’re not sick.” She looked at me. “You’re not like him. Never was. You go. I’ll miss ya dearly. I will.” Tears started streaming down her eyes. “But you can’t stay here like this. I know it.” She looked at Matt. “You take the world in the palm of your hands and make it yours. Ya hear me.” Turning back towards me. “Make it yours.”
The ‘make it yours’ was
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