girl at home. This is a great use of the tech tools many of us carry around: reminding our kids that we’re thinking of them. I’m also planning on making a book about Gus the Gator’s travel, using Shutterfly.com or iPhoto’s services for compiling digital photos into a personal, one-of-a-kind book. I’ve used both services before and they are excellent: I’ve made multiple copies of photo books for major birthdays and reunions, but I think there will only be a single copy of the Gus book, for my son.
Problem-Solving Rituals
If there were one thing I could do to help parents most, it would probably be helping them to understand the immense power of ritual to ease the bumpy transitions of everyday family life.
The two most important secrets to problem-solving rituals are distraction and humor. This may seem simpleminded, but it has a sound basis in human psychology. Therapist Aaron Horowitz says that rituals sometimes work as a kind of “hypnotic distraction.” The distraction is helpful whether you are trying to coax a child to end a meltdown or use the potty.
We all love that kids live so fully in the moment, but sometimes they get stuck in that moment and they need help pulling out of it. Also, little kids don’t have the experience yet to know that they can be other than they are: If your son has never used the potty or gone without a pacifier, part of the problem is he can’t imagine being that kid. He can’t make that leap. By promising a reward or giving him a tiny ritual to perform or making him laugh (or all three), you are giving him something to focus on other than his fear or intransigence. Next thing you know, he’s used the potty or stopped hitting his brother, and you can celebrate and congratulate.
Humor is also an important part of the equation. One way to get kids unstuck is to just crack them up. If you can think up something goofy for family members to do whenever tensions soar, you’ll spend a lot less of your life organizing time-outs.
Friday Night Bubble Baths
When my son was a toddler, he couldn’t get enough bubble baths, but the pediatrician frowned on that (some experts say chemicals in the bath products irritate little bottoms). I wanted to end the whining, so we started the tradition of Friday Night Bubble Baths. If Max would say, “Mommy, I want a bubble bath now!” then I could explain, “Well, it’s only Wednesday, honey. We have to wait for Friday. Tomorrow is Thursday, and the next day, it will be Friday Night Bubble Bath time.” A lot of problem-solving rituals are about turning a permanent “No” into a special-occasion “Yes”—and usually, it works like a charm.
Silly Soothing Songs
A little ditty that announces a transitional activity works like magic. Karly Randolph Pitman, the mother of four from Montana, says, “I learned from the preschool teacher, if I am struggling, I create a song. They hated to wash their hands when they were little. So I invented the silly potty song, and the words go, ”We always wash hands when we go potty!”
Kissing/Wisking Ritual to Defuse “Gimmes”
Courtney Andelman is a stay-at-home mom with twin daughters, and very savvy at problem-solving rituals. One of my favorites is the one she invented when her girls get the “gimmes” in a store. “When I am out with the girls and they want things, I say, ‘Make a wish!”’ Courtney explains. “So we whisper the wish into cupped hands, kiss the wish [kiss into the cupped hands], give it a big hug [the child hugs herself] and then throw it up to the North Pole. I try to stand close enough to hear the whisper!”
Seatbelt-Buckling Ritual
Mary Sutton started this after her family was in a car accident. Luckily, there were no major injuries, but none of them was wearing a seatbelt, so it could have been bad. In their ritual, they pile into the car, Mary says “Buckle up!” and the three kids say “Why do we buckle up?” Then they all chorus the reply: “Because we
Problem-Solving Rituals
If there were one thing I could do to help parents most, it would probably be helping them to understand the immense power of ritual to ease the bumpy transitions of everyday family life.
The two most important secrets to problem-solving rituals are distraction and humor. This may seem simpleminded, but it has a sound basis in human psychology. Therapist Aaron Horowitz says that rituals sometimes work as a kind of “hypnotic distraction.” The distraction is helpful whether you are trying to coax a child to end a meltdown or use the potty.
We all love that kids live so fully in the moment, but sometimes they get stuck in that moment and they need help pulling out of it. Also, little kids don’t have the experience yet to know that they can be other than they are: If your son has never used the potty or gone without a pacifier, part of the problem is he can’t imagine being that kid. He can’t make that leap. By promising a reward or giving him a tiny ritual to perform or making him laugh (or all three), you are giving him something to focus on other than his fear or intransigence. Next thing you know, he’s used the potty or stopped hitting his brother, and you can celebrate and congratulate.
Humor is also an important part of the equation. One way to get kids unstuck is to just crack them up. If you can think up something goofy for family members to do whenever tensions soar, you’ll spend a lot less of your life organizing time-outs.
Friday Night Bubble Baths
When my son was a toddler, he couldn’t get enough bubble baths, but the pediatrician frowned on that (some experts say chemicals in the bath products irritate little bottoms). I wanted to end the whining, so we started the tradition of Friday Night Bubble Baths. If Max would say, “Mommy, I want a bubble bath now!” then I could explain, “Well, it’s only Wednesday, honey. We have to wait for Friday. Tomorrow is Thursday, and the next day, it will be Friday Night Bubble Bath time.” A lot of problem-solving rituals are about turning a permanent “No” into a special-occasion “Yes”—and usually, it works like a charm.
Silly Soothing Songs
A little ditty that announces a transitional activity works like magic. Karly Randolph Pitman, the mother of four from Montana, says, “I learned from the preschool teacher, if I am struggling, I create a song. They hated to wash their hands when they were little. So I invented the silly potty song, and the words go, ”We always wash hands when we go potty!”
Kissing/Wisking Ritual to Defuse “Gimmes”
Courtney Andelman is a stay-at-home mom with twin daughters, and very savvy at problem-solving rituals. One of my favorites is the one she invented when her girls get the “gimmes” in a store. “When I am out with the girls and they want things, I say, ‘Make a wish!”’ Courtney explains. “So we whisper the wish into cupped hands, kiss the wish [kiss into the cupped hands], give it a big hug [the child hugs herself] and then throw it up to the North Pole. I try to stand close enough to hear the whisper!”
Seatbelt-Buckling Ritual
Mary Sutton started this after her family was in a car accident. Luckily, there were no major injuries, but none of them was wearing a seatbelt, so it could have been bad. In their ritual, they pile into the car, Mary says “Buckle up!” and the three kids say “Why do we buckle up?” Then they all chorus the reply: “Because we
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